It's About Time!

I (finally) got a call today from the place where JJ will get therapy.  Apparently she got lost in the system somehow.  I look forward to tomorrow when we will meet the therapist (yeah) and I will be filling out paperwork (bummer).  The social worker shared the irony that she has another child that doesn't totally need therapy and it only took 2 weeks to process and the request for JJ took 2 months and she really needs it.

Ah . . . I know it won't work miracles but I hope it will help us learn about the real JJ and get past the protective barrier she has put up.

A Lesson in Love - Modeled By a 1-Year-Old

We were at Papa and Nana's house doing laundry. JJ had cracker's from her sacklunch from preschool. She was taunting Sarah saying, "Here you want one," and then eating it. I let this happen a few times and watched how Sarah handled it. She was getting confused, frustrated, and started to whimper.

I explained to JJ that if she was offering Sarah a cracker she, then, must give her one because it is mean to only offer and then not share. JJ started sharing some of her crackers. When there were only two crackers left, she once again offered and then this time slowly ate it in front of Sarah. It was basically evil. Sarah started crying.

I was quite angry but decided to just see if I could find any crackers to give Sarah. I gave her two crackers and almost instantly, with tears still in her eyes, she turned and handed JJ one of the two crackers.

Fun Moments

I've realized that my other posts have been real negatives. There is joy and laughter still in our home.


We had a dance party.

We showed The Sneeze: How Germs are Spread video to help them understand germs and now they sing the song and say good-bye to germs as they wash their hands. It's cute and funny.



I bought clothes with JJ and she actually wears them (the Hello Kitty shirt was a real winner).

We were talking about friends and JJ (4) turned to Sarah (almost 2) and said, "Sarah, you my best friend?" I can't remember what Sarah said in response but the realization that Sarah probably was JJ's only real friend right now showed a tender moment of reality for me.

This Too Shall Pass

I've found peace in reminding myself that "This too shall pass."  With both my girls (but mostly JJ) there are actions and struggles (peeing pants, purposeful falling for attention, etc.) that I do not enjoy dealing with.  The realization that they are kids and have a lot of growing to do.  Just because something happens frequently now, doesn't mean they will grow up and still do those things.  My fear behind the emotions rising within me in those moments is based either on worrying about what others might be thinking (ew, your kids smell and are misbehaving, you are not a good parent) or an (irrational) fear that they will never grow out of this phase and it will affect their ability to have a happy, emotionally stable life.

My girls are smart and very capable.  They will learn with practice and this too shall pass.

I Smell Urine All Around Me . . . but it's not me

I found a post that pointed out the not "normal" smell although I remember reading one that actually said it was a "pee" smell even though bladder control wasn't an issue as much anymore.

found this while looking for something else . . .

My hubby and I have found this blog, http://www.welcometomybrain.net/ by Christine Moers, to be very helpful and has helped me stay a little more sane during this foster journey. 

I was searching for a blog post about RAD kids constantly smelling like urine even if they haven't peed their pants (because we are trying to figure out JJ's constant pee smell) and I found this blog post instead.  It's right along the lines of how I've been trying to remind myself to think of JJ. 

Spiritual Parenting

The pastor of Family Ministry at our church, Michelle Anthony, has written a book called Spiritual Parenting: Igniting Faith in your Family. 

Some quotations from the first chapter:

"My goal was to pass on a vibrant and transforming faith, the kind of faith in which:

• My children would know and hear God's voice, discerning it from all others;
• They would desire to obey Him when they heard His voice;
• They would obey Him not in their own power, but in the power of the Holy Spirit." pg. 16

"Furthermore, our purpose as parents is to teach our children about the awe-inspiring wonder of who God is, how to have a relationship with Him, and what it looks like to live our lives for Him and through Him." pg 17

"The danger in merely focusing on our children's outward behavior without the inner transformation is that sometimes our children will align their behavior to our mandates to please us or recieve approval. They can end up doing or not doing these things without true spiritual healing inside.  Without the supernatural transformation, we may have moral or obedient children, but we don't necessarily have spiritual children."

"So spiritual parenting reminds me that it's not my job to merely control my children's behavior, but rather it is my job to model with authenticity what I have in my relationship with God through Christ." pg. 21

 "We need to model how our lives are spiritual in every decision, erasing the divide between sacred and secular." pg 22

  "Perhaps the fullest definition of faith is that I have belief and trust in Christ and I possess firm conviction about Him, but I also have made a personal surrender to Him because of these two things.  the corresponding behavior of action defines my life.
   Now remember taht one of the nonegotiables for spiritual parenting is that it's not  my responsibility to control my child's behavior. However, this definition of faith supports that when one posseses a firm conviction and a spersonal surrender, then the corresponding behavior, inspired by the prior two, will follow.  Wow! This is where behavior comes in." pg. 23

"Faith is based on a strong belief from a heart of self-surrender." pg. 24

"So often our temptation as parents is to spend all of our time and energy striving to fix their behavior - a process that is not our responsibility." pg 24

So in the things I've read recently I get the theme that we can't control our kids' behavior.  I'm finding it difficult to control frustrations and anxiety when their behavior is annoying, disgusting, or unsafe.  I get that we need to stop unsafe behavior.  Handling of other behaviors without feeling permissive and yet allowing grace and God to work feels confusing and isn't my natural instinct at all. 

It's the timing between their behavior and my reaction that I need to breathe and ask the Holy Spirit for wisdom to lead me.  I want to calm down.  I'm by nature an easy-going person and as a parent of a foster child with some obvious attachment issues, I've felt like I'm losing lots of the person I love in myself.  I'm experiencing brokeness and selfishness that I don't like and I am so tired.

Knowing that change does not happen because of our desire for them to change, but by God alone and our dependence on Him to guide us.  I need to show myself some grace in this journey or I'm going to drive us all crazy.