Depraved Indifference

Just a little something I want to watch occasionally to give me a reboot when needed.

Lots Has Happened

Well, lots has happened since I last blogged. The timeline for when JJ would be reunited with at least one of her parents didn't happen. Some choices were made by the parents and things fell through. I, knowing I got bad morning sickness with my first pregnancy, planned our time to conceive so that the morning sickness wouldn't start until after JJ had left our home. Lesson learned: things can change quickly in the foster parenting world.

Sadly, JJ was around while I was feeling miserable and had very little patience. Stress increased my nausea. JJ's little games and trying to push my buttons increased my stress. I'm proud to say that I controlled myself enough to not threaten to puke on her though the thought went through my mind often.

Ironically, she left just a week-and-a-half shy of my first trimester ending. Considering she was not going to be reunited soon and the placement was turning into more of a long-term need, we asked that JJ be moved sooner than later.

Here are our main reasons:
- From very early on we could tell our home wasn't the best placement for JJ because she had always been the baby in the family and she was suddenly the older sister. Sarah is a bright two-year-old and knew more things than JJ (like her letters, shapes, colors, opposites, etc.). This seemed to discourage JJ from trying to learn these things instead of help motivate her. Also JJ would tend to copy the "baby" things that Sarah did instead of act like a 4-year-old. We kept JJ though because we were her 5th placement in 6 months and out of love for her we figured we could keep her in our home until things were figured out with her parents.

- We want to keep Sarah safe. JJ was seeming to increase her random aggression towards Sarah. She was starting to yell, "I hate you!" in Sarah's face and sort of charge at her. During those times she never harmed Sarah but the increase concerned me. She was also rough when "playing" but as an adult watching you could see JJ get this look in her eyes like she was targeting a person and then would push or knock down the child with her body. Sarah was a victim of this occasionally if we weren't able to catch JJ's intent quick enough.
Ever since July when the incident of a more sexual nature happened we have tried to keep them separated. This is a constant job. We started having Sarah go to sleep in our bed since the girls shared a room together. My desire to protect Sarah was becoming more obvious with things that were happening.

- It's the best thing for JJ. She was moved to a long-term placement with a foster parent that has had lots of experience (like 19 years). She has been described to us as a miracle worker. We figured we were basically in survival mode trying to keep JJ so she didn't move on to a bunch more placements but this switch seemed like a much better fit for JJ. We love her and want the best for her.

The Time Has Come

We are pregnant. Some people don't like to tell when it is still early on. We figure if something goes wrong with the pregnancy we want people to journey with us through that, so we might as well tell now.

We had planned it based on the timing plan the social workers had told us a month or two ago with when JJ would be leaving our home.  This last month things have not gone as hoped with her parents and so JJ is still with us. 

"I Don't Like God!"

JJ: "What are we doing today?"
Lisa: "We are going to church."
JJ: "I don't want to go to church.  I don't like God."
Lisa: "Why don't you like God?"
JJ: "Because he took my daddy away."

We explained that God didn't take her daddy away.  Her daddy and mommy's choices made it so she couldn't be with them right now.  We also explained that God told us to take care of her because He loves her and He wants her to have a daddy and a mommy.

We talked about more but those were some of the bigger points.  This is getting really sad to watch things crumble away for this little girl.

Cinderella?

We were listening to this song "Cinderella" by Steven Curtis Chapman and thinking about our bio daughter and how little time we have to enjoy her before she's gone to make her own family. For now, she's my little Cinderella that Daddy's going to cherish and love until she gets her own man to cherish and respect her.

Then we thought about JJ.

Unless a miracle happens in her parents, she's going to need a permanent placement. And I'm thinking about all the songs and dances he doesn't want to have with her. She isn't going to get those. And will she even be given the chance to end up as someone's pure Cinderella?

Not a Word

This weekend's visit was canceled.

We have a Friday routine:
Take JJ to therapy which is halfway to the normal drop-off location.
After therapy, get her Wienerschitzel - 2 plain hotdogs. (Her requested restaurant every week.)
Take her to the park to eat and play until it's time to drop her off with dad. 
Drop-off with dad.

She knows the routine.

Once I turned the car in the wrong direction during the routine and she had a meltdown.

This week, Jonathan met up at therapy on his way home from work.  When therapy was over, he took JJ and I took Sarah so we could do a datenight with each girl (then next parent/daughter datenight we will switch kids).

Jenna didn't and still hasn't said a word about her visit or seeing her parents.

We were expecting a huge meltdown.

Instead,

Not. A. Word.

Nothing.

No mention of parents at all, all weekend.

Oh wait, I take that back, she mentioned her dad when we walked by a place serving beer and she said her dad drank beer.  But other than that, not a word.

Let's Talk About Hair

JJ is a beautiful biracial girl, European and African.  She has kinky hair.  I found a scale that is used by some and based on that scale I think she has 3c hair.  Her curls are tight corkscrews and there is a lot of shrinkage as the hair dries.  The shrinkage can make for some interesting hairstyles.  I've done her hair before visits with her parents and it looks fantastic wet, then when I go to pick her up I'll discover it turned into a whole different fuzzy, bumpy braided look. I've come to love and appreciate the beauty of natural kinky hair.

These pictures were taken right before bed. Her curls had stayed so nice and ringlety.  We try to remember to take out ponytails like this before bed to let her hair relax.  I actually put the rubber band back in to take these pictures.

The few days before she joined our family we were prepared by our foster agency for the importance of caring for JJ's hair and skin.  They said that there have been situations where foster parents have unknowingly fried little boys' and girls' hair.  I started researching kinky hair.  I found the blog Happy Girl Hair which gave me some ideas.

The first night JJ came to be with us, I took her over to a friend of a friend's house to have someone physically show me ways to treat and care for the hair.  I went to Wal-mart on the way home to get some combs, brushes, and hair accessories to help.

Everything seemed easier than it really was when I tried to do it by myself.  The first time trying to wash and detangle her hair it took me 2-3 hours.  I have since come to the understanding that her hair probably hadn't been detangled recently before my efforts.  Also her hair has never even been trimmed during her entire life and the parents don't want it to be trimmed (I tried to respectfully explain split ends and the need for a trim but they weren't going with it).  Those realities teamed up with JJ screaming every time the comb touched her hair made for quite the stressful first experience.

I just kept trying.  I learned that:

• you start combing at the ends of the hair strands in short and slow motions and work your way up to the scalp.
• it helps to section off the hair into layers using clips and do the hair closest to the nape of the neck first. 
• keeping the hair wet is essential.
• having conditioner in the hair is very helpful.  I bought a small spray bottle and squirted some VO5 in and fill the rest with water.
• JJ can react differently during each detangling experience depending on many factors and how she wants to try to control the situation.  She can be totally calm, relaxed, and quiet one time and then the next she might scream that it hurts even when I'm not touching her hair and beg for me to stop.  It's difficult to gauge JJ's scalp sensitivity based on her general lack of honesty and her ability to create the emotions needed to cry.   

I asked her dad during one of the first visits for the usual routine they did.  He said he just used VO5 conditioner and wouldn't wash all of it out.  I happened to notice that VO5 only cost about $0.99 for a bottle and figured even if we need to use a lot that could still be more reasonable than some of the other products I had seen.

The routine that I have found works with JJ's hair:  (Please note that I am not a professional and this seems to me to be working and keeping her hair soft and moisturized.)
We wash her hair every 3-4 days with Luster's Pink conditioning shampoo and condition it with a VO5 moisturizing conditioner.  I don't worry if some of the conditioner isn't fully rinsed.  Then I section off the lower, underneath hair and I twist and clip the rest of her hair up on her head using a hair clip.  I grab a small handful of hair.  I spray the handful of hair with the conditioner spray bottle a few times and then spray with only water until it is wet and slick. I use a wide-toothed comb with a handle and start combing at the ends of the hair strands in short and slow motions and work my way up to the scalp.  Sometimes her hair ends are white with conditioner and I might lightly blot it with a towel but I've discovered when it dries, it is just shiny and soft. I may use a smaller toothed comb to detangle before braiding.

Each morning she wakes with a matted Afro and so I just use the conditioner spray bottle and water and pick out the curls to give it a nice shape again. 

 
For Styling:
I found a small cheap Conair brush with firm bristles that works great for slicking her hair back for ponytails etc.  A rat-tail comb (a comb with the pointy handle) is used for parting and braiding hair.  We use the Scunci large no damage elastic hair bands.  For small braids we use these tiny elastic rubber bands that are basically one-time use because they get so stretched out and usually I cut them out f her hair.  Those tiny bands were given to me the first night from the hair help lady and I just haven't used them all yet.

Sometimes I use a hair gel or oil on her hair depending on the style.  Usually I don't though.

Random picture taken after JJ commented about my forehead wrinkles and that her head doesn't do that.  I've been known to raise my eyebrows a lot with many of my facial expressions. (I had her cover her face some so I could post the pic and protect her identity.  Although she has distinct big, beautiful, brown eyes.)