Shoot the Hostage...

Remember Keanu Reeve's movie SPEED?

A scene near the beginning of the movie:

Harry: "Alright, pop quiz: The airport. Gunman with one hostage, he's using her for cover, he's almost to the plane. You're a hundred feet away. (Long pause) Jack?"
Jack: "Shoot the hostage.""
Harry: "What?"
Jack: "Take her out of the equation. Go for the good wound and he can't get to the plane with her. Clear shot"
Harry: "You are deeply nuts, you know that? 'Shoot the hostage'... jeez..."

Then later, Keanu Reeve's character shoots his friend so the bad guy can't "play the game" anymore.

Now, don't get us wrong, we're in no way saying that JJ is the bad guy or that we're going to shoot anybody, but recently, the metaphor has been helpful for us in trying to solve tricky situations.

We're trying to avoid battles of will that result in win-lose or lose-win situations. However, it seems like once that game gets started, it's really difficult to stop it. Unless you can find a clever way to shoot the hostage and get rid of the game.

If anyone has any better ideas for handling these situations PLEASE comment or email me.  We are such newbies with this whole parenting thing and especially with parenting a child from neglect/trauma.  We would really like to improve or be corrected if there are better ways.  It's tricky because there are contradictory views and they often have reasonable explanations for why their way is better.

SITUATION #1

For four months, we've been encouraging JJ that when she wakes up from naptime, she has permission to leave her room. Sarah gets it. Sarah feels completely empowered and free to leave her room when she wakes up. For some reason, JJ does not. Maybe it's something from her past foster placements. Maybe it's something from her family life. We don't know. Even when Sarah and JJ take naps in the same room, JJ will see Sarah awaken, get out of bed, leave the room, and close the door behind her, but JJ will still stay in her room.

But here's JJ's game: I'm going to forget the permission I have and stay closed up in my room, pretending or very really believing that I can't come out. I will even stay in my room so long that I pee my pants, start crying, and revert to an infant-like emotional state.

We've tried many scenarios to figure out her emotional needs. 1) Going in to affectionately tickle and kiss her till she awakes. 2) Entering and saying, "Silly, you know you can come out" and leaving the door open. Half the time she'll close the door, stay in her room, and start crying. 3) Letting her stay in her room to see if she'll choose to come out. 4) Waiting the hour and a half for her to come out, then cheering and encouraging her that we've been waiting to play with her, thinking that she'll want the positive feedback.

And we finally think we've found a way to get rid of the game >>> After she's fallen into deep hibernation, we open the door and put the anti-slam foam on the top so she can't close the door and start the game back up.

We've yet to see if it'll work, but we have high hopes.

SITUATION #2
It's Monday, Life Group night, our small group of friends come over to talk about life and the girls usually go to sleep about half way through.  This particular night the girls were asked to clean up their toys before they went to bed.  JJ only had a few maybe one thing out right in front of her toy basket and she was refusing to pick it up, ignoring every sort of communication I attempted with her, and moved away from me.

JJ's Game: The longer I wait to pick up my toys, the longer I will be able to try to interact with people. Even if I get time-out, I can stay awake longer.

The girls had already put their PJ's on and brushed their teeth.  I assessed the situation.  Her next count was 3 which would normally be time-out.  I said, "That's three. Bedtime," and I lifted her in the cradle position off the couch (where she was sitting smiling at people) and carried her towards the bathroom on the way to her room.  Surprised, she said, "Time-out?! I want read a story. . . . I want clean up my toys."  To which I responded, "If you wanted to clean up your toys you would have chosen to do it already.  Do you need to go to the bathroom before going to bed?"  She chose not to use the restroom.  I laid her in bed.  She was yelling about wanting to read a book so I returned and explained the situation with it being too close to bedtime for time-out, she made the choice not to listen to my words, and that meant no story just bedtime.  She went to sleep quietly.  Game eliminated.    

SITUATION #3 (still trying to figure out if there is a hostage to shoot in this situation)

The expectations are small: the girls earn a nickel each time they pick up their toys or make their beds. We got the idea from Dave Ramsey and think it's a great idea to instill the value of money, working for things, and filling your role in the family.

JJ earned $2.00 from her chores and bought a bike with it (that's a serious parent discount, I know). On any particular day, if JJ wants to ride her bike at the park, she needs to make her bed and pick up her toys.  Considering she is four-years-old, this seems reasonable.  We aren't expecting her bed to be perfectly made or anything, we just expect her to try her best.  We know she can do it because we have modeled, instructed, and practiced with her many times.  She can do this.

She doesn't even attempt.  She will just cry, "I want to ride my bike."  To which we reply, "You know what to do."  We know she knows what to do because when we aren't in the moment (I guess you could say, a more regulated state), we have asked, "What do you need to do in order to ride your bike?" and she answers correctly.  She gets it.

 So the problem is figuring out the identity of the hostage? What is the game? Cause if you don't know the hostage, you aren't going to change the game. And there's always the possibility that RAD-logic sometimes doesn't keep hostages.

My theory: She desperately wants to ride her bike, but something deep inside her takes over with a deep desire to take control. While it may seem like we're giving her control over the situation, she knows we've rigged the game for her to want to ride her bike. So when the I-want-control-right-now-because-this-big-confusing-world-has-taken-control-from-me urge for control takes over, her control = not doing her chores because we made that rule. And this breaks my heart. I can see it in her face sometimes too...that I really want to ride my bike but something in me makes me want control more than fun.

FYI, mommy & daddy . . . as strange as it may sound, this is also why I pee my pants. Two things I have complete control over -- 1) peeing and pooping my pants and 2) not riding my bike.

And in spite of all that, we continue to search for the hostage.