Spiritual Parenting

The pastor of Family Ministry at our church, Michelle Anthony, has written a book called Spiritual Parenting: Igniting Faith in your Family. 

Some quotations from the first chapter:

"My goal was to pass on a vibrant and transforming faith, the kind of faith in which:

• My children would know and hear God's voice, discerning it from all others;
• They would desire to obey Him when they heard His voice;
• They would obey Him not in their own power, but in the power of the Holy Spirit." pg. 16

"Furthermore, our purpose as parents is to teach our children about the awe-inspiring wonder of who God is, how to have a relationship with Him, and what it looks like to live our lives for Him and through Him." pg 17

"The danger in merely focusing on our children's outward behavior without the inner transformation is that sometimes our children will align their behavior to our mandates to please us or recieve approval. They can end up doing or not doing these things without true spiritual healing inside.  Without the supernatural transformation, we may have moral or obedient children, but we don't necessarily have spiritual children."

"So spiritual parenting reminds me that it's not my job to merely control my children's behavior, but rather it is my job to model with authenticity what I have in my relationship with God through Christ." pg. 21

 "We need to model how our lives are spiritual in every decision, erasing the divide between sacred and secular." pg 22

  "Perhaps the fullest definition of faith is that I have belief and trust in Christ and I possess firm conviction about Him, but I also have made a personal surrender to Him because of these two things.  the corresponding behavior of action defines my life.
   Now remember taht one of the nonegotiables for spiritual parenting is that it's not  my responsibility to control my child's behavior. However, this definition of faith supports that when one posseses a firm conviction and a spersonal surrender, then the corresponding behavior, inspired by the prior two, will follow.  Wow! This is where behavior comes in." pg. 23

"Faith is based on a strong belief from a heart of self-surrender." pg. 24

"So often our temptation as parents is to spend all of our time and energy striving to fix their behavior - a process that is not our responsibility." pg 24

So in the things I've read recently I get the theme that we can't control our kids' behavior.  I'm finding it difficult to control frustrations and anxiety when their behavior is annoying, disgusting, or unsafe.  I get that we need to stop unsafe behavior.  Handling of other behaviors without feeling permissive and yet allowing grace and God to work feels confusing and isn't my natural instinct at all. 

It's the timing between their behavior and my reaction that I need to breathe and ask the Holy Spirit for wisdom to lead me.  I want to calm down.  I'm by nature an easy-going person and as a parent of a foster child with some obvious attachment issues, I've felt like I'm losing lots of the person I love in myself.  I'm experiencing brokeness and selfishness that I don't like and I am so tired.

Knowing that change does not happen because of our desire for them to change, but by God alone and our dependence on Him to guide us.  I need to show myself some grace in this journey or I'm going to drive us all crazy.      

Like JJ

Lately Sarah has been verbalizing how she wants to do things like JJ.  She has been quite successful attempting big girl (mostly climbing) things like JJ. She climbs in the car to her seat. She climbs up the stairs. She climbs into her dinner chair. She sits on her knees during dinner (this is not allowed for either of them). She puts lotion on. She applies chapsticks.

We had been telling Sarah that she'd get to wear underwear when she chose to go to the bathroom on the toilet all the time. Tonight, Sarah said she wanted to wear underwear like JJ.  I let her wear underwear and told her that it was just for storytime before bed and then I would change her into a night-night diaper. Within 2 minutes she announced, "I peed my pants like JJ." I had to control myself from showing too much of the humor I found in this situation. I did not realize Sarah meant really wear the underwear like JJ, I thought Sarah just meant wear underwear.

Treasures Here On Earth

As a parent, I'm learning what my treasures here on earth are.  What things do I gasp and make an effort to protect as the little ones are discovering their world?  What things would I be upset or bitter about if they were damaged?  Do those things really matter?  I mean, really?

I think it is important to model a respect for our belongings and especially other people's property.  I'm just learning to what extent I'm going to jump around trying to protect or hide objects.  We are not in this world for our stuff.  

"Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy, and where thieves break in and steal. But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moth and rust do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also."  Matthew 6:19 NIV

Let the Crazyness Begin

(This post has taken about a month for me to write)

We had ideas about what we wanted our discipline style to be and what techniques we would use.  Sarah was still young but we were already being introduced to her strong-willed nature.  We were practicing redirection, giving choices, and lots of positive reinforcement which was working beautifully.

During foster parenting training we were introduced to some techniques for creative discipline with hurting children, reminded of active listening, given examples of how "bad" behavior is often a result of fear, and other helpful information about what we were getting ourselves into.  We tried to absorb as much of this information as possible so we could be the best foster parents possible and create a safe, loving environment for children to thrive in.

Enter JJ into the picture.  Reality hits.  Let the testing begin.  I quickly realize what buttons I have for her to push because she is expertly finding them. 

I'm trying to actively listen but she has a very small vocabulary and isn't able to express much at all.  We are positively reinforcing anything and everything that we could possibly find.  We are using appropriate physical touch to make connections and soothe tense situations.  We are using time-outs for direct defiance.  I begin wishing Super Nanny would fly in and save me, because I am apparently doing something incorrectly.  Nothing seems to be working with JJ.

I'm new at foster parenting, so I'm trying not to get too down on myself.  One thing that keeps going through my mind is that as a teacher I was able manage 20 kids, some of which seemed to have worse issues than JJ.  I was quite successful with maintaining a peaceful learning environment.  Why is two children in a home environment not working?  My brain starts spinning with what things I could be doing better to help our situation.

I recognize a basic pattern.  Here is an example:
Usually this occurs when I am trying to accomplish something (preparing lunch, changing a diaper, trying to get kids from the car to our upstairs apartment).

• I give a clear direction.   
• She ignores.
• I restate the clear direction with a short explanation why or a consequence (time-out or removal of something) if the action isn't completed.
• She does the opposite.
• As I'm stopping what I am doing to follow through with the consequence she starts running around flicking the lights on and off, slamming doors, screaming, (at this point Sarah tends to start doing something which often is prompted by JJ), yelling, "Doodie Head!" and trying to hide.
• The attempt at time-out begins.  I've tried the Super Nanny stone-face, no talking or reactions technique while placing JJ back on time-out.  I also need to manage Sarah while all of this is happening.  It ends up feeling like a battle of the wills.
• Trying to maintain a calm exterior, I find myself reaching an attitude of indifference towards JJ. 
• I feel guilty for my attitude. 

I want my home to be a place of peace not a place where we need to constantly be on guard for the next battle that may occur.   

Our foster agency has been great through all of our struggles.  They've observed me and seen JJ in full force (one observation time ended with basically a food fight between JJ and Sarah and the social worker apologizing to me for their guidance that had led to it). 

I was informed that:
- on the level of structure in our home 1-10 one social worker would give us a 8.5 or 9. 
- my voice tends to go up when giving directions (he said one step below baby talk) and he recommended I try to make it more of an oatmeal level, very bland.
- I just need to be confident in whatever I choose to do and not question myself in the situation (I really want to treat my girls in a loving, fair way and I would like to come as close to perfect as possible, heaven forbid they should be screwed up more because of me)
- I need to take care of me.  If my emotions or needs are not being met, then I will not be able to give at my full capacity. 

We were reminded of the concept of dysregulation and that JJ's stress levels can be triggered much easier than kids with more stable backgrounds. This was helpful for my husband and I to communicate her dysregulation level at any given moment in order to use distraction and physical touch to try to keep her from freaking out. We have seen a vast improvement with this idea in our minds.

The disregulation scale is helping a lot but we are still working to figure out our parenting philosophy.

We Will Love You Even If

We Will Love You Even If:

• you pull all your sheets off your bed when we ask you to make it
• you kick or put your feet on the back of our seat in the car
• you lie to us
• you yell, "I hate you!"
• you turn the lights on and off
• you slam the door
• you push the table away (into others) when you are unhappy
• you pee on the carpet
• you smear feces on the wall
• you pull all of our books off the shelf
• you cough and sneeze in our face
• you kick the wall
• you go slow just to make us late
• Sarah starts copying you
• Sarah starts slurring her words 
• Sarah adds "y" to the end of all her nouns (drinky, shirty, etc)
• Sarah starts using inappropriate language

We will fight to love you.  Even when it isn't easy. 

Meeting JJ

One Wednesday, I went to my mommy group at church.  That week I had been fighting the urge to call the FFA to see if they remembered us.  As I was sitting listening to the speaker my mind took a tangent and I continued my conversation with God about waiting to be foster parents and why the wait.  I thought of the restrictions that I had given about what age girl we would take - 4 to 7-years-old.  The reasons I said those ages were: I didn't want someone too old sharing a room with Sarah (safety concern), I didn't  want to deal with all the time requirements of a baby, I didn't want to worry too much with potty training or have two kids in diapers, and I liked the idea of having a kid that gets to go to school.  Most of the reasons were for pure easiness.  I wanted to choose what seemed easiest knowing that things would be tricky to begin with.  I wanted some control and wanted the least amount of fears involved.  I made the decision to talk to Jonathan (my hubby) about telling the FFA we would take babies - 7.  I let go of the control I wanted to have and decided I needed to trust God knowing that whatever child we find ourselves living with it will be by His grace, wisdom, and strength that we will get through (not because I found the easiest way).  I, then, refocused on the speaker :~).

As I was driving home from the mommy group, I got a call from our FFA saying they had a girl that they thought would be a good match.  That placement fell through but the placement worker still came out and met me and saw our apartment.  That requirement was completed so they wouldn't need to do that step if there was another child that they wanted to place with us.  The placement worker asked me about if I would be willing to take younger kids and possibly a boy 3 or younger.  I said I would be willing.

The next week we were called to see if we would meet a 3 (almost 4)-year-old JJ and take her by the end of the week.  We met her at a mall with a social worker.  She was beautiful and tall for her age (which we actually didn't know her age at the time because there was some confusion about that).  Her biracial (European and African) curly hair was pulled back into a pony tail.  She already started calling Jonathan, "Daddy."  This was interesting to note because from our understanding she didn't know why we were meeting her.  We later found out she uses the terms Daddy and Mommy with many people.

We agreed to take JJ.  I researched haircare and prepared ourselves and Sarah for the new edition.  She came 2 days later.        

Training and then Waiting

I quite enjoyed our training.  The owner of our FFA (he runs the place, do FFAs have owners?) came to our house once a week (maybe once every two weeks) for a few months and went over packets of information and discussed required audio and video homework.  We really felt comfortable with him and trusted his insight into what type of family we were and what kids might be a good match for us.

We got our apartment fixed-up to meet requirements and filled out all the paperwork.  We became certified in October.  Then we waited.  We knew that if we didn't get a little girl before the beginning of November they wouldn't place anyone with us until we returned from our trip to South Africa over Christmas and the New Year.

We came back from our trip and waited.  I was tempted to call the agency and let them know we were home now and available. I knew they knew though. I practiced patience and enjoyed my time with Sarah.  As the waiting went on I realized how much I enjoyed my one-on-one time with Sarah and started to pray more specifically for the changes that would occur when someone else joined our family and that we both would be prepared.

I started to only randomly think about the possibility that at any moment we could be called and our life would be turned upside down.  It was no longer in the forefront of my mind like it was right after we were certified. 

I found it interesting which of our acquaintances would remember and ask us if we were still going to foster.  Some people were really concerned about Sarah's safety and questioned our thoughtfulness towards her in our decision making.  Jonathan and I discussed many times our concerns for Sarah and how it would affect her.  Anytime I started to become anxious I would left those thoughts to God and continually received a peace in our decision and yet a realistic understanding that this wasn't going to be easy and that Sarah would definitely be affect but hopefully for the better.