Shoot the Hostage...

Remember Keanu Reeve's movie SPEED?

A scene near the beginning of the movie:

Harry: "Alright, pop quiz: The airport. Gunman with one hostage, he's using her for cover, he's almost to the plane. You're a hundred feet away. (Long pause) Jack?"
Jack: "Shoot the hostage.""
Harry: "What?"
Jack: "Take her out of the equation. Go for the good wound and he can't get to the plane with her. Clear shot"
Harry: "You are deeply nuts, you know that? 'Shoot the hostage'... jeez..."

Then later, Keanu Reeve's character shoots his friend so the bad guy can't "play the game" anymore.

Now, don't get us wrong, we're in no way saying that JJ is the bad guy or that we're going to shoot anybody, but recently, the metaphor has been helpful for us in trying to solve tricky situations.

We're trying to avoid battles of will that result in win-lose or lose-win situations. However, it seems like once that game gets started, it's really difficult to stop it. Unless you can find a clever way to shoot the hostage and get rid of the game.

If anyone has any better ideas for handling these situations PLEASE comment or email me.  We are such newbies with this whole parenting thing and especially with parenting a child from neglect/trauma.  We would really like to improve or be corrected if there are better ways.  It's tricky because there are contradictory views and they often have reasonable explanations for why their way is better.

SITUATION #1

For four months, we've been encouraging JJ that when she wakes up from naptime, she has permission to leave her room. Sarah gets it. Sarah feels completely empowered and free to leave her room when she wakes up. For some reason, JJ does not. Maybe it's something from her past foster placements. Maybe it's something from her family life. We don't know. Even when Sarah and JJ take naps in the same room, JJ will see Sarah awaken, get out of bed, leave the room, and close the door behind her, but JJ will still stay in her room.

But here's JJ's game: I'm going to forget the permission I have and stay closed up in my room, pretending or very really believing that I can't come out. I will even stay in my room so long that I pee my pants, start crying, and revert to an infant-like emotional state.

We've tried many scenarios to figure out her emotional needs. 1) Going in to affectionately tickle and kiss her till she awakes. 2) Entering and saying, "Silly, you know you can come out" and leaving the door open. Half the time she'll close the door, stay in her room, and start crying. 3) Letting her stay in her room to see if she'll choose to come out. 4) Waiting the hour and a half for her to come out, then cheering and encouraging her that we've been waiting to play with her, thinking that she'll want the positive feedback.

And we finally think we've found a way to get rid of the game >>> After she's fallen into deep hibernation, we open the door and put the anti-slam foam on the top so she can't close the door and start the game back up.

We've yet to see if it'll work, but we have high hopes.

SITUATION #2
It's Monday, Life Group night, our small group of friends come over to talk about life and the girls usually go to sleep about half way through.  This particular night the girls were asked to clean up their toys before they went to bed.  JJ only had a few maybe one thing out right in front of her toy basket and she was refusing to pick it up, ignoring every sort of communication I attempted with her, and moved away from me.

JJ's Game: The longer I wait to pick up my toys, the longer I will be able to try to interact with people. Even if I get time-out, I can stay awake longer.

The girls had already put their PJ's on and brushed their teeth.  I assessed the situation.  Her next count was 3 which would normally be time-out.  I said, "That's three. Bedtime," and I lifted her in the cradle position off the couch (where she was sitting smiling at people) and carried her towards the bathroom on the way to her room.  Surprised, she said, "Time-out?! I want read a story. . . . I want clean up my toys."  To which I responded, "If you wanted to clean up your toys you would have chosen to do it already.  Do you need to go to the bathroom before going to bed?"  She chose not to use the restroom.  I laid her in bed.  She was yelling about wanting to read a book so I returned and explained the situation with it being too close to bedtime for time-out, she made the choice not to listen to my words, and that meant no story just bedtime.  She went to sleep quietly.  Game eliminated.    

SITUATION #3 (still trying to figure out if there is a hostage to shoot in this situation)

The expectations are small: the girls earn a nickel each time they pick up their toys or make their beds. We got the idea from Dave Ramsey and think it's a great idea to instill the value of money, working for things, and filling your role in the family.

JJ earned $2.00 from her chores and bought a bike with it (that's a serious parent discount, I know). On any particular day, if JJ wants to ride her bike at the park, she needs to make her bed and pick up her toys.  Considering she is four-years-old, this seems reasonable.  We aren't expecting her bed to be perfectly made or anything, we just expect her to try her best.  We know she can do it because we have modeled, instructed, and practiced with her many times.  She can do this.

She doesn't even attempt.  She will just cry, "I want to ride my bike."  To which we reply, "You know what to do."  We know she knows what to do because when we aren't in the moment (I guess you could say, a more regulated state), we have asked, "What do you need to do in order to ride your bike?" and she answers correctly.  She gets it.

 So the problem is figuring out the identity of the hostage? What is the game? Cause if you don't know the hostage, you aren't going to change the game. And there's always the possibility that RAD-logic sometimes doesn't keep hostages.

My theory: She desperately wants to ride her bike, but something deep inside her takes over with a deep desire to take control. While it may seem like we're giving her control over the situation, she knows we've rigged the game for her to want to ride her bike. So when the I-want-control-right-now-because-this-big-confusing-world-has-taken-control-from-me urge for control takes over, her control = not doing her chores because we made that rule. And this breaks my heart. I can see it in her face sometimes too...that I really want to ride my bike but something in me makes me want control more than fun.

FYI, mommy & daddy . . . as strange as it may sound, this is also why I pee my pants. Two things I have complete control over -- 1) peeing and pooping my pants and 2) not riding my bike.

And in spite of all that, we continue to search for the hostage.

So This Is Respite

JJ began weekend visits with her parents.  From Friday evening until Sunday evening she is away with her parents.  Jonathan and I realized how our home life has changed since she joined our family.  The most obvious thing has been the volume level in our home.  When JJ is around there is constant noise.  She's either talking, creating sounds with her mouth, clapping, tapping, or banging objects.  All of this is usually quite loudly.  Sarah sings and talks while she plays but no where close to as loud as JJ's noises. The volume level increase is affected by the girls repeating each other's words and noises often but even when I'm just with JJ, noise is constant.  It may be physically impossible for her to be quiet. Even when she sleeps, she snores.

During our weekend we got a chance to remember what our family is like without JJ.  It is so peaceful.  At one point Jonathan and I allowed ourselves to realize that our life could have been like that for the last 3 months.  Peaceful.  We also realized that our selfishness could run wild with that thought and so we must take that thought captive and submit it to Christ.

I wish I could glorify our choice to become foster parents but I can't.  It just is and we really feel like we should be doing what we are doing because JJ deserves to be loved and live in a safe place. 

We are enjoying our weekend respites.  I'm quite thankful for the chance to recharge and mentally prepare myself for another week.    

Meet Mama Bear

So, the hardest times for me are when Sarah is affected or influenced by JJ's behavior.

This is a big button for JJ to push.  I know this so when JJ seems to be exceptionally mean or tempting to Sarah, I try to contain my internal pissed offness and my mama bear instinct to protect my offspring.  I know these feelings are rooted in fear so I try to focus on my fears that are being triggered.  That's when dependence on God comes in handy because my human nature and brokeness have been very evident through this foster experience journey as I learn to love JJ and view her the way God views her.

Most recently I had a Mama Bear experience where my reaction was not "pissed offness" but sadness.

One of our fears is that some kind of abuse would occur to Sarah and her safety would be jeapordized.  It's one of the reasons people say we shouldn't be foster parents because of this possibility. 

Well, this became closer to a reality a week and a half ago.  

I asked JJ to put on shoes for the park. She went back to the bedroom and Sarah followed.  Within a few minutes I went back to peek on their progress as I went to get my shoes. We have a small apartment and I could hear them the whole time.  As I walked by I saw JJ (she was clothed in a skort and tank top) with shoes on lying on her back with her legs bent and open. Sarah was kneeling between JJ’s legs and JJ was holding the back of Sarah’s head and rubbing her face back and forth in her crotch while giving some command about her “Ne-Ne” (which is what she calls her private parts). This was not a pretty sight.  My angle . . . was . . . it was not good.  That's my baby girl.  I rushed in, grabbed Sarah, felt the mama bear well up within me when I looked at JJ, controlled myself with a deep breath, and went out of the room. I closed the door (leaving JJ in there) and started crying in the hall.

When I asked Sarah what they were doing she said her finger puppet turtle was giving JJ kisses.  She did indeed have a finger puppet turtle on her pointer finger.  I prayed, calmed down, and returned to the bedroom to calmly and nonchalantly ask JJ what they were playing.  JJ said, “Sarah no bite my ne-ne,” and asked why I had been crying.  I said I was sad about something but I am better now.  I asked her to show me with a teddy bear what they were playing.  Then Sarah came back in and I didn't want to make it a bigger deal than it already might have been due to my instant reaction crying so I didn't push the issue. 
Later, I told Sarah that her face shouldn’t be near people’s privates and to tell anyone that tried to put her face near them to say, "No! Stop!”

I left it at that.  Considering I didn't see what led up to the visual I saw (oy, vey), both stories seemed to correlate, and Sarah seemed unfazed (she is quite loud when something is being done to her that she doesn't like and that alarm wasn't sounded during this incident).  My understanding is that Sarah was trying to have her finger puppet turtle kiss JJ on the lips (I have seen Sarah do this with her toys recently) and this is what led to the positioning of Sarah and JJ.  Then somehow it switched to what I saw.  I seemed to have caught it quickly enough.  I don't think Sarah realized what was happening.  What switched in JJ's brain to make her do what she did, we don't and won't know.  I was able to get her to repeat a few times the command she was saying to Sarah but was still unable to discipher what she was saying except for the word "ne-ne."

According to the social worker, this is all still within the realm of normal.  It could mean more but it could be just play.  For us, considering a month ago I heard JJ ask Sarah to touch her ne-ne and a few days prior to this instance JJ asked another student at preschool to show her their privates, we are being extremely cautious.  We no longer allow the girls to be alone together at all for even the shortest amounts of time even though our apartment is small and doors are usually kept open, we don't want to leave room for any possibilities.  They share a bedroom so we have switched up the night-night and nap routines so that JJ goes to bed first and we wait until she is asleep if we are going to but Sarah in bed or we have been having Sarah sleep in our bed.  JJ is a deep sleeper. When she sleeps, she sleeps and we have never known her to wake up in the middle of the night except for once when Sarah was crying a lot. 

Jonathan and I have been discussing where we draw the line considering our safety and especially the safety of Sarah.  What is our theology when it comes to personal safety.  At what point would we consider asking JJ to be removed from our home.  We know that we are her 5th placement since November 2009.  So in the last 9 months she has lived in 5 different homes, 3 almost 4 of those months have been with us, the last transition (into our home) seemed to affect her the most (because her prior placement was with family members that she was really close to), and none of the placement changes have been based on her behavior but due to other reasons.  This poor girl has been through so much.

Since this incident (maybe because of this incident), the county social worker has accelerated the reunification process and weekend/over-night visits with JJ's parents started last Friday.  Thankfully, she has also begun weekly therapy sessions.  Hopefully more will be learned about JJ and the best decisions will be made with her well-being in mind.

   

Foster Parenting Podcast

A few years ago I took a class at my church, A World In Need: Justice for the Poor, taught by foster parent W from the Foster Parenting Podcast (this was all before she became a foster mom).  It was a thoughtful class but I honestly can't remember what was taught (until I skimmed my notes again).  The thing that left the most impact was the heart and joy that foster mom W had for others.  On one of the last nights, we had a conversation about adoption.  We are merely acquaintances with some friends of friends but yet I feel like I could sit talk with her for a while whenever our paths cross again.

Cuteness

Sabotage

Daddy and husband again:

I may not have this completely accurate, but here's how it is in my brain. Attachment is real. It sure seems to me that it's a miracle of creation that when Sarah was born, I longed to hold her for hours and stare into her eyes. Attachment. And here's the nutty thing: all my staring was wiring synapses in her brain that her emotions needed to function as God intended. Kids who don't get that attachment, can't get it back. It's a small window, and after the window closes, the synapses can't be connected. Crazy!

My first thought is: How could God allow kids to go through life without attachment?
But my answer comes back: He didn't intend it that way. He intended for all children to receive the needed attachment from their parents. And when he renews the Earth and brings back shalom and Eden, that's how things will happen for eternity.

But for now, on this side of God's shalom, some kids have attachment issues. Call it RAD. Call it ADD. Call it ADHD. Call it Bombaloo. Call it whatever you'd like, but it's real.

It's what causes our little girl to spaz her head about all twitchy for a few seconds like she got shocked by 1,000 amps of electricity. I don't think I could make my body move that way if I tried. She does it for attention. She so desperately longs to fill that attachment void that she'll do anything to lock on to pure love and she sabotages herself in the process.

Simple example: JJ's hula hooping in the living room, so I lean my chin on my hand and watch her, putting my most adoring facial expression on. She notices me looking at her, and all normal hula-hooping stops. Hoop falls.

"Why are you looking at me, Daddy?" She's fishing for my words. She knows why I'm looking at her.

"Because I love watching you hula hoop."

"Why?"

"Because I love you."

Her eyes lock mine for a moment. Then she flails the hula hoop around her body. Another look at me. She falls to the ground. Another look at me. She stands back up and flails the hoop to where it's smacking herself in the head. Hysterical laughter insues. Stumbling to the carpet.

See, she has my pure adoration, and she longs to keep it forever. But she doesn't know how. And she thinks she can lose it. She thinks that if my eyes leave her, then so has my love. So she goofs off and acts up to keep my love. Which spurs natural reactions in me to not love her. Which spurs more goofing off. Which spurs more reactions to not love her.

It's that attachment void again. Because she didn't get it when she needed it, she might spend the rest of her life searching for it, and the methods she uses to earn attachment will only drive it further away.

God, give me unconditional grace. Incarnational. The kind of love that steps in to her void even when I won't get anything in return.

Modeling God's Love and Discipline

Husband and Daddy here again:

Let's start this off with a few things that I have learned to strive for in my parenting:

(1) My children to see a model of God's love and discipline through my actions and words.
(2) To be filled with grace and truth and have the wisdom to know which to use and when.
(3) My actions and words to be so much like God's that the more they are drawn to my love, the more they are drawn to his.

This has led to a few Ah-Ha truths.

(1) Some instances require truth and discipline, while others require grace and talking.
(2) With all instances, the goal is to get the child to open up her heart and emotions and even talk about it. This is much more likely to happen when circumstances are handled with complete grace and nothing that JJ might see as punishment.
(3) JJ will do things because she believes something false about herself, and any discipline she receives for that behavior only reinforces in her brain that the falsehood is once again true. This cycle must be broken creatively, firmly, and lovingly.
(4) JJ's discipline and Sarah's discipline might look different and that's still fair. After all, God's word says to "train a child in the way SHE should go, and when she is old, she will not depart from it." There will be times when the fairest discipline might mean different consequences. It might even look like JJ getting grace and Sarah getting truth.

Their hearts are the goal. I want to model that with my heart and lead them into their own. I can't do that unless I love them like God does. And here's the really sucky part: some people still don't let God into their hearts. Translation: even if I love them like God loves us, they still might not let me in.

All I can do is try.

Sincerely,
More selfish than he realized.