Every Christmas our church hosts a pancake breakfast for all the foster families that are part of the foster agency we are with. Before we became foster parents we served and helped out. Last year we went as a certified foster family even though we hadn't had any children in our home yet. This year was special. It was like a well-timed reunion for us to see JJ again. She has been placed in a home that is still with our foster agency. It has been a month, today, since JJ moved.
We prepared Sarah with the possibility that she would get to see JJ. Sarah spotted JJ before we even pointed her out. The girls were both hugging and saying, "My sister is here!" I really enjoyed watching how JJ's new foster "granny" (that's what she has JJ call her) handles JJ. She was the same JJ we remember and she seemed happy.
It was also nice to get to see JJ's brother and his caretaker and we also got to see JJ's mom because it was during her visitation hours. When JJ's mom walked up, the girls were decorating gingerbread cookies next to each other. Sarah turned and saw JJ's mom behind her. She turned back to me and with pure joy and excitement exclaimed, "She made it safe!" I almost burst into tears right there. I was not expecting my almost 2.5-year-old to process that kind of thinking so quickly and there was so much love and joy that oozed from her in that moment.
Let me explain.
We told Sarah two reasons for why JJ was moving:
#1 Our job as parents is to keep our kids safe and Sarah is our biological child and we need to keep her safe. JJ was doing things that were not safe to Sarah. Our example that we knew Sarah would remember was when JJ shoved her down at the baseball game and Jonathan thought maybe Sarah's arm got broken because of how and where she fell. We just choose the one example for Sarah.
#2 We were having JJ live in our home while her parents were given time to make good choices and make it safe for JJ to live with them again. Sadly, JJ's parents didn't make it safe and so JJ is going to live with someone that she can stay with for a long time.
SO, "safe" was a word we used a lot with the girls in regards to parents. Sarah seeing JJ's mom there assumed that meant she had made it safe and that's why she could see JJ again. She was so happy for JJ and her mom. Considering Sarah is just two-years-old, I didn't get into explaining parental rights and visitation. I just let her enjoy that moment and let her think whatever her little happy brain was thinking. That moment replayed in my mind throughout the day though.
Sunday, December 19, 2010
Saturday, December 4, 2010
Depraved Indifference
Just a little something I want to watch occasionally to give me a reboot when needed.
Thursday, November 25, 2010
Lots Has Happened
Well, lots has happened since I last blogged. The timeline for when JJ would be reunited with at least one of her parents didn't happen. Some choices were made by the parents and things fell through. I, knowing I got bad morning sickness with my first pregnancy, planned our time to conceive so that the morning sickness wouldn't start until after JJ had left our home. Lesson learned: things can change quickly in the foster parenting world.
Sadly, JJ was around while I was feeling miserable and had very little patience. Stress increased my nausea. JJ's little games and trying to push my buttons increased my stress. I'm proud to say that I controlled myself enough to not threaten to puke on her though the thought went through my mind often.
Ironically, she left just a week-and-a-half shy of my first trimester ending. Considering she was not going to be reunited soon and the placement was turning into more of a long-term need, we asked that JJ be moved sooner than later.
Here are our main reasons:
- From very early on we could tell our home wasn't the best placement for JJ because she had always been the baby in the family and she was suddenly the older sister. Sarah is a bright two-year-old and knew more things than JJ (like her letters, shapes, colors, opposites, etc.). This seemed to discourage JJ from trying to learn these things instead of help motivate her. Also JJ would tend to copy the "baby" things that Sarah did instead of act like a 4-year-old. We kept JJ though because we were her 5th placement in 6 months and out of love for her we figured we could keep her in our home until things were figured out with her parents.
- We want to keep Sarah safe. JJ was seeming to increase her random aggression towards Sarah. She was starting to yell, "I hate you!" in Sarah's face and sort of charge at her. During those times she never harmed Sarah but the increase concerned me. She was also rough when "playing" but as an adult watching you could see JJ get this look in her eyes like she was targeting a person and then would push or knock down the child with her body. Sarah was a victim of this occasionally if we weren't able to catch JJ's intent quick enough.
Ever since July when the incident of a more sexual nature happened we have tried to keep them separated. This is a constant job. We started having Sarah go to sleep in our bed since the girls shared a room together. My desire to protect Sarah was becoming more obvious with things that were happening.
- It's the best thing for JJ. She was moved to a long-term placement with a foster parent that has had lots of experience (like 19 years). She has been described to us as a miracle worker. We figured we were basically in survival mode trying to keep JJ so she didn't move on to a bunch more placements but this switch seemed like a much better fit for JJ. We love her and want the best for her.
Sadly, JJ was around while I was feeling miserable and had very little patience. Stress increased my nausea. JJ's little games and trying to push my buttons increased my stress. I'm proud to say that I controlled myself enough to not threaten to puke on her though the thought went through my mind often.
Ironically, she left just a week-and-a-half shy of my first trimester ending. Considering she was not going to be reunited soon and the placement was turning into more of a long-term need, we asked that JJ be moved sooner than later.
Here are our main reasons:
- From very early on we could tell our home wasn't the best placement for JJ because she had always been the baby in the family and she was suddenly the older sister. Sarah is a bright two-year-old and knew more things than JJ (like her letters, shapes, colors, opposites, etc.). This seemed to discourage JJ from trying to learn these things instead of help motivate her. Also JJ would tend to copy the "baby" things that Sarah did instead of act like a 4-year-old. We kept JJ though because we were her 5th placement in 6 months and out of love for her we figured we could keep her in our home until things were figured out with her parents.
- We want to keep Sarah safe. JJ was seeming to increase her random aggression towards Sarah. She was starting to yell, "I hate you!" in Sarah's face and sort of charge at her. During those times she never harmed Sarah but the increase concerned me. She was also rough when "playing" but as an adult watching you could see JJ get this look in her eyes like she was targeting a person and then would push or knock down the child with her body. Sarah was a victim of this occasionally if we weren't able to catch JJ's intent quick enough.
Ever since July when the incident of a more sexual nature happened we have tried to keep them separated. This is a constant job. We started having Sarah go to sleep in our bed since the girls shared a room together. My desire to protect Sarah was becoming more obvious with things that were happening.
- It's the best thing for JJ. She was moved to a long-term placement with a foster parent that has had lots of experience (like 19 years). She has been described to us as a miracle worker. We figured we were basically in survival mode trying to keep JJ so she didn't move on to a bunch more placements but this switch seemed like a much better fit for JJ. We love her and want the best for her.
Tuesday, October 5, 2010
The Time Has Come
We are pregnant. Some people don't like to tell when it is still early on. We figure if something goes wrong with the pregnancy we want people to journey with us through that, so we might as well tell now.
We had planned it based on the timing plan the social workers had told us a month or two ago with when JJ would be leaving our home. This last month things have not gone as hoped with her parents and so JJ is still with us.
We had planned it based on the timing plan the social workers had told us a month or two ago with when JJ would be leaving our home. This last month things have not gone as hoped with her parents and so JJ is still with us.
Saturday, October 2, 2010
"I Don't Like God!"
JJ: "What are we doing today?"
Lisa: "We are going to church."
JJ: "I don't want to go to church. I don't like God."
Lisa: "Why don't you like God?"
JJ: "Because he took my daddy away."
We explained that God didn't take her daddy away. Her daddy and mommy's choices made it so she couldn't be with them right now. We also explained that God told us to take care of her because He loves her and He wants her to have a daddy and a mommy.
We talked about more but those were some of the bigger points. This is getting really sad to watch things crumble away for this little girl.
Lisa: "We are going to church."
JJ: "I don't want to go to church. I don't like God."
Lisa: "Why don't you like God?"
JJ: "Because he took my daddy away."
We explained that God didn't take her daddy away. Her daddy and mommy's choices made it so she couldn't be with them right now. We also explained that God told us to take care of her because He loves her and He wants her to have a daddy and a mommy.
We talked about more but those were some of the bigger points. This is getting really sad to watch things crumble away for this little girl.
Cinderella?
We were listening to this song "Cinderella" by Steven Curtis Chapman and thinking about our bio daughter and how little time we have to enjoy her before she's gone to make her own family. For now, she's my little Cinderella that Daddy's going to cherish and love until she gets her own man to cherish and respect her.
Then we thought about JJ.
Unless a miracle happens in her parents, she's going to need a permanent placement. And I'm thinking about all the songs and dances he doesn't want to have with her. She isn't going to get those. And will she even be given the chance to end up as someone's pure Cinderella?
Then we thought about JJ.
Unless a miracle happens in her parents, she's going to need a permanent placement. And I'm thinking about all the songs and dances he doesn't want to have with her. She isn't going to get those. And will she even be given the chance to end up as someone's pure Cinderella?
Monday, September 20, 2010
Not a Word
This weekend's visit was canceled.
We have a Friday routine:
Take JJ to therapy which is halfway to the normal drop-off location.
After therapy, get her Wienerschitzel - 2 plain hotdogs. (Her requested restaurant every week.)
Take her to the park to eat and play until it's time to drop her off with dad.
Drop-off with dad.
She knows the routine.
Once I turned the car in the wrong direction during the routine and she had a meltdown.
This week, Jonathan met up at therapy on his way home from work. When therapy was over, he took JJ and I took Sarah so we could do a datenight with each girl (then next parent/daughter datenight we will switch kids).
Jenna didn't and still hasn't said a word about her visit or seeing her parents.
We were expecting a huge meltdown.
Instead,
Not. A. Word.
Nothing.
No mention of parents at all, all weekend.
Oh wait, I take that back, she mentioned her dad when we walked by a place serving beer and she said her dad drank beer. But other than that, not a word.
We have a Friday routine:
Take JJ to therapy which is halfway to the normal drop-off location.
After therapy, get her Wienerschitzel - 2 plain hotdogs. (Her requested restaurant every week.)
Take her to the park to eat and play until it's time to drop her off with dad.
Drop-off with dad.
She knows the routine.
Once I turned the car in the wrong direction during the routine and she had a meltdown.
This week, Jonathan met up at therapy on his way home from work. When therapy was over, he took JJ and I took Sarah so we could do a datenight with each girl (then next parent/daughter datenight we will switch kids).
Jenna didn't and still hasn't said a word about her visit or seeing her parents.
We were expecting a huge meltdown.
Instead,
Not. A. Word.
Nothing.
No mention of parents at all, all weekend.
Oh wait, I take that back, she mentioned her dad when we walked by a place serving beer and she said her dad drank beer. But other than that, not a word.
Friday, September 17, 2010
Let's Talk About Hair
JJ is a beautiful biracial girl, European and African. She has kinky hair. I found a scale that is used by some and based on that scale I think she has 3c hair. Her curls are tight corkscrews and there is a lot of shrinkage as the hair dries. The shrinkage can make for some interesting hairstyles. I've done her hair before visits with her parents and it looks fantastic wet, then when I go to pick her up I'll discover it turned into a whole different fuzzy, bumpy braided look. I've come to love and appreciate the beauty of natural kinky hair.
The few days before she joined our family we were prepared by our foster agency for the importance of caring for JJ's hair and skin. They said that there have been situations where foster parents have unknowingly fried little boys' and girls' hair. I started researching kinky hair. I found the blog Happy Girl Hair which gave me some ideas.
The first night JJ came to be with us, I took her over to a friend of a friend's house to have someone physically show me ways to treat and care for the hair. I went to Wal-mart on the way home to get some combs, brushes, and hair accessories to help.
Everything seemed easier than it really was when I tried to do it by myself. The first time trying to wash and detangle her hair it took me 2-3 hours. I have since come to the understanding that her hair probably hadn't been detangled recently before my efforts. Also her hair has never even been trimmed during her entire life and the parents don't want it to be trimmed (I tried to respectfully explain split ends and the need for a trim but they weren't going with it). Those realities teamed up with JJ screaming every time the comb touched her hair made for quite the stressful first experience.
I just kept trying. I learned that:
I asked her dad during one of the first visits for the usual routine they did. He said he just used VO5 conditioner and wouldn't wash all of it out. I happened to notice that VO5 only cost about $0.99 for a bottle and figured even if we need to use a lot that could still be more reasonable than some of the other products I had seen.
The routine that I have found works with JJ's hair: (Please note that I am not a professional and this seems to me to be working and keeping her hair soft and moisturized.)
We wash her hair every 3-4 days with Luster's Pink conditioning shampoo and condition it with a VO5 moisturizing conditioner. I don't worry if some of the conditioner isn't fully rinsed. Then I section off the lower, underneath hair and I twist and clip the rest of her hair up on her head using a hair clip. I grab a small handful of hair. I spray the handful of hair with the conditioner spray bottle a few times and then spray with only water until it is wet and slick. I use a wide-toothed comb with a handle and start combing at the ends of the hair strands in short and slow motions and work my way up to the scalp. Sometimes her hair ends are white with conditioner and I might lightly blot it with a towel but I've discovered when it dries, it is just shiny and soft. I may use a smaller toothed comb to detangle before braiding.
Each morning she wakes with a matted Afro and so I just use the conditioner spray bottle and water and pick out the curls to give it a nice shape again.
For Styling:
I found a small cheap Conair brush with firm bristles that works great for slicking her hair back for ponytails etc. A rat-tail comb (a comb with the pointy handle) is used for parting and braiding hair. We use the Scunci large no damage elastic hair bands. For small braids we use these tiny elastic rubber bands that are basically one-time use because they get so stretched out and usually I cut them out f her hair. Those tiny bands were given to me the first night from the hair help lady and I just haven't used them all yet.
Sometimes I use a hair gel or oil on her hair depending on the style. Usually I don't though.
 |
| These pictures were taken right before bed. Her curls had stayed so nice and ringlety. We try to remember to take out ponytails like this before bed to let her hair relax. I actually put the rubber band back in to take these pictures. |
The first night JJ came to be with us, I took her over to a friend of a friend's house to have someone physically show me ways to treat and care for the hair. I went to Wal-mart on the way home to get some combs, brushes, and hair accessories to help.
Everything seemed easier than it really was when I tried to do it by myself. The first time trying to wash and detangle her hair it took me 2-3 hours. I have since come to the understanding that her hair probably hadn't been detangled recently before my efforts. Also her hair has never even been trimmed during her entire life and the parents don't want it to be trimmed (I tried to respectfully explain split ends and the need for a trim but they weren't going with it). Those realities teamed up with JJ screaming every time the comb touched her hair made for quite the stressful first experience.
I just kept trying. I learned that:
- you start combing at the ends of the hair strands in short and slow motions and work your way up to the scalp.
- it helps to section off the hair into layers using clips and do the hair closest to the nape of the neck first.
- keeping the hair wet is essential.
- having conditioner in the hair is very helpful. I bought a small spray bottle and squirted some VO5 in and fill the rest with water.
- JJ can react differently during each detangling experience depending on many factors and how she wants to try to control the situation. She can be totally calm, relaxed, and quiet one time and then the next she might scream that it hurts even when I'm not touching her hair and beg for me to stop. It's difficult to gauge JJ's scalp sensitivity based on her general lack of honesty and her ability to create the emotions needed to cry.
I asked her dad during one of the first visits for the usual routine they did. He said he just used VO5 conditioner and wouldn't wash all of it out. I happened to notice that VO5 only cost about $0.99 for a bottle and figured even if we need to use a lot that could still be more reasonable than some of the other products I had seen.
The routine that I have found works with JJ's hair: (Please note that I am not a professional and this seems to me to be working and keeping her hair soft and moisturized.)
We wash her hair every 3-4 days with Luster's Pink conditioning shampoo and condition it with a VO5 moisturizing conditioner. I don't worry if some of the conditioner isn't fully rinsed. Then I section off the lower, underneath hair and I twist and clip the rest of her hair up on her head using a hair clip. I grab a small handful of hair. I spray the handful of hair with the conditioner spray bottle a few times and then spray with only water until it is wet and slick. I use a wide-toothed comb with a handle and start combing at the ends of the hair strands in short and slow motions and work my way up to the scalp. Sometimes her hair ends are white with conditioner and I might lightly blot it with a towel but I've discovered when it dries, it is just shiny and soft. I may use a smaller toothed comb to detangle before braiding.
Each morning she wakes with a matted Afro and so I just use the conditioner spray bottle and water and pick out the curls to give it a nice shape again.
For Styling:
I found a small cheap Conair brush with firm bristles that works great for slicking her hair back for ponytails etc. A rat-tail comb (a comb with the pointy handle) is used for parting and braiding hair. We use the Scunci large no damage elastic hair bands. For small braids we use these tiny elastic rubber bands that are basically one-time use because they get so stretched out and usually I cut them out f her hair. Those tiny bands were given to me the first night from the hair help lady and I just haven't used them all yet.
Sometimes I use a hair gel or oil on her hair depending on the style. Usually I don't though.
 |
 |
| Random picture taken after JJ commented about my forehead wrinkles and that her head doesn't do that. I've been known to raise my eyebrows a lot with many of my facial expressions. (I had her cover her face some so I could post the pic and protect her identity. Although she has distinct big, beautiful, brown eyes.) |
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
Always Remember Where They Came From
I love this song. It helped me form my philosophy behind being a public school teacher. Which also pushed me along in my journey towards foster parenting.
"Family Portrait" sung by Pink.
"Family Portrait" sung by Pink.
Monday, September 6, 2010
I Hope It's Not True.
A comment was made.
A hand motion displayed,
all very quickly,
and not part of the normal routine.
I hope it's not true.
A record of the incident was made.
An email was sent.
Emergency responders show up.
Nothing is disclosed.
I hope it's not true.
Parents are upset.
Visitation drop-off changed.
Sheriff is present.
I hope it's not true.
We are new to all this.
We are just doing what we are told.
I guess it is pretty much over now.
I hope it's not true.
A hand motion displayed,
all very quickly,
and not part of the normal routine.
I hope it's not true.
A record of the incident was made.
An email was sent.
Emergency responders show up.
Nothing is disclosed.
I hope it's not true.
Parents are upset.
Visitation drop-off changed.
Sheriff is present.
I hope it's not true.
We are new to all this.
We are just doing what we are told.
I guess it is pretty much over now.
I hope it's not true.
Wednesday, September 1, 2010
Always Pondering - This Time at the Spa
I was treated to a massage and relaxing afternoon lounging at a spa in honor of my mom's birthday.
I have only had a few professional massage experiences in my life-time. Sometimes I dwell on how intimate (not sexual necessarily) it seems. "Hi, stranger, let me lay naked under this sheet while you rub my body." Other times I wonder about my massage therapist and their journey in life that brought them to this job choice. I wonder about what their weirdest massage experiences have been. Is it like a hair salon situation where you can talk to your massage therapist and carry on a conversation or must you remain silent to maintain the calming ambiance. My goal was to try not to be so analytical during the massage and just relax and enjoy.
The plan was to use the half hour before my massage to shave my legs (because even though it's summer I was maintaining my mountain woman status). We arrived later than expected so I did not get to accomplish my goal. When my massage therapist asked if there were any health concerns or anything she should be aware of, I made her aware of my furry legs. I figured instead of me feeling awkward I'd just prepare her in advance. She said it was actually better that I didn't shave because she uses so much lotion and it could irritate freshly shaved skin.
After the massage my mom, sister, and I were discussing our experiences and I happened to mention that I didn't remember my bum getting quite the rub down in the past as it did this time. Apparently my bum was the only one that received such attention. Well, we'll just leave it at that then.
This particular spa is great because in the ladies area you can go in the jacuzzi, steam room, sauna, quiet room, and most everything is provided for you.
When I go, I wear a bathing suit, usually a two-piece. Some ladies walk around naked. I've contemplated doing the naked thing. I think I have issues with the lack of barrier between pubic hair and spa water.
We were all enjoying the calm atmosphere wandering around choosing different places to relax. I think it's fine if a person chooses to be naked at the spa. I just have issues with how to interact. Do I completely ignore the naked people? They are just people, they just happen to have no clothes on. Most of the naked people avoided eye contact or I wondered if they thought my usual friendly smile and nod acknowledgment was awkward because they were naked.
Why does it matter that they were naked? Does it matter? I felt no jealousy. I wasn't critically comparing. I found us quite beautiful in an artistic sense, like the curve of our hips. Our bodies also give clues about our lives and what we value. I found it difficult not to sneak peeks at people. I was curious about tattoos, breast implant scars, different types of bikini waxes, and why each person wanted to escape to the spa.
I ended my spa stay by reading and falling asleep in the quiet room where robes are required.
Happy Birthday, Mom!
I have only had a few professional massage experiences in my life-time. Sometimes I dwell on how intimate (not sexual necessarily) it seems. "Hi, stranger, let me lay naked under this sheet while you rub my body." Other times I wonder about my massage therapist and their journey in life that brought them to this job choice. I wonder about what their weirdest massage experiences have been. Is it like a hair salon situation where you can talk to your massage therapist and carry on a conversation or must you remain silent to maintain the calming ambiance. My goal was to try not to be so analytical during the massage and just relax and enjoy.
The plan was to use the half hour before my massage to shave my legs (because even though it's summer I was maintaining my mountain woman status). We arrived later than expected so I did not get to accomplish my goal. When my massage therapist asked if there were any health concerns or anything she should be aware of, I made her aware of my furry legs. I figured instead of me feeling awkward I'd just prepare her in advance. She said it was actually better that I didn't shave because she uses so much lotion and it could irritate freshly shaved skin.
After the massage my mom, sister, and I were discussing our experiences and I happened to mention that I didn't remember my bum getting quite the rub down in the past as it did this time. Apparently my bum was the only one that received such attention. Well, we'll just leave it at that then.
This particular spa is great because in the ladies area you can go in the jacuzzi, steam room, sauna, quiet room, and most everything is provided for you.
When I go, I wear a bathing suit, usually a two-piece. Some ladies walk around naked. I've contemplated doing the naked thing. I think I have issues with the lack of barrier between pubic hair and spa water.
We were all enjoying the calm atmosphere wandering around choosing different places to relax. I think it's fine if a person chooses to be naked at the spa. I just have issues with how to interact. Do I completely ignore the naked people? They are just people, they just happen to have no clothes on. Most of the naked people avoided eye contact or I wondered if they thought my usual friendly smile and nod acknowledgment was awkward because they were naked.
Why does it matter that they were naked? Does it matter? I felt no jealousy. I wasn't critically comparing. I found us quite beautiful in an artistic sense, like the curve of our hips. Our bodies also give clues about our lives and what we value. I found it difficult not to sneak peeks at people. I was curious about tattoos, breast implant scars, different types of bikini waxes, and why each person wanted to escape to the spa.
I ended my spa stay by reading and falling asleep in the quiet room where robes are required.
Happy Birthday, Mom!
Sunday, August 29, 2010
I Crash Cars
Hello, my name is Lisa and I crash cars.
I haven't always crashed cars.
Before June 9, 2010, I had a perfect driving record (there was that time, when I was pregnant and I rolled my car into our dear friends car while they were sitting in it but there was no damage so I don't count that except enough to mention it because I think it's good to be as honest as possible - I don't think they count it either though).
On June 9th I crashed into my brother's car. I was driving up to my parents' house to pick up the family to drive them to the airport and I had my girls with me. I coasted into their street. I was thinking I would park in the driveway but decided that wouldn't give us much room to load the bags in the car so I redirected my van to park it in front of the driveway behind my brother's car. I was thinking I would just reverse my car a little to straighten it out (because I am an anal retentive parker and I wanted to park parallel to the driveway).
My next thoughts went something like this, "Ah, I'm going forward fast! I hit Steve's car! Holy crap! His car is so bashed in and it's still rolling. Please stop rolling. Do I need to get out and try to stop it?" Thankfully the car stopped rolling. Knowing they had a plane to catch and I just screwed up majorly, I jumped out of the car and ran into the house (yes, I left the girls in the car without saying a word to them because I was a slight basket case).
My brother was in the front room as I entered and declared, "Oh my gosh, Steve, I'm so sorry. I just crashed your car." I was beginning to cry and flap my hands (yeah, I do that when I am both super happy or emotional). He gave me a hug and said it was ok (tender moment). He hadn't seen the car. He asked where the girls were and that's when I remembered them (great mothering moment).
We went out to see the girls and assess the damage. Steve saw his car and asked, "How fast were you going?!" I opened the sliding door of the van and the girls just stared and calmly asked what happened. We got the girls out and we all inspected the scene. JJ kept asking why I did that. "You crashed Steve's car."
We were all fine. Our swagger wagon was barely damaged but my brother's Nissan Sentra looked like crap (it turns out I totaled his car). We figure instead of hitting the brake before switching my car in reverse to park perfectly, I hit the gas and parked horrifically.
My brother mentioned that I'm like one of those elderly people that crashes into open markets and kills people (NOT tender moment). That thought has sort of tormented me ever since (I'm not blaming Steve, I thought the same thing when it was mentioned that I must have hit the gas instead.). I feared hitting people with my car even before all of this but there is just more of a reality that I am humanly capable.
The girls remind me of my driving faux pas often still to this day.
JJ - "Don't crash!" "You crash Steve's car?" "Why you crash Steve's car?"
Sarah - we were buckling her in to her carseat and someone asked, "What happens next?" and she replied, "We crash" (that was not the answer they were expecting). Sarah often makes her toys crash and she will physically reenact the crash.
At least they are coping verbally :~).
Fast forward to late July. It's a Tuesday night, Lisa's night, Jonathan watches the girls so I can spend time with friends or do whatever I want to relax. I was running late to meet a friend (same friend who's car I bumped into when I was pregnant) at a coffee shop. I backed out angled instead of straight, forgetting the carport pole on the passenger side of the Saturn. It rips a chunk of plastic off above the tire exposing the metal frame underneath. Luckily there was barely any damage to the carport pole and it did not collapse (as I feared after I realized what I had just done). That's how the Saturn got the name Scarface.
I've seriously contemplated using public transportation considering my unpredictable driving ability lately. Sadly all we have are buses in our area and they are not cost effective for more than one person that already has a car.
My mom says that this is something that can happen while driving under the influence of small children.
Cars are scary and powerful. I've known that for many years. It's one thing to mentally know you are capable of something and another to have physical (embarrassing) proof of what I am capable of. I've tried to really clear my mind of distractions while driving. God, protect us and those around me.
My wise husband reminded me (as I was joking about my sucky driving ability) that my identity is not based by my past mistakes. I am forgiven. I should live in that freedom. He had me choose a day when I would no longer label myself based on my recent driving record. I should be aware of my weaknesses but not dwell in them.
Hello, my name is Lisa, and I am redeemed.
"ForGod has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind." 2 Timothy 1:7
I haven't always crashed cars.
Before June 9, 2010, I had a perfect driving record (there was that time, when I was pregnant and I rolled my car into our dear friends car while they were sitting in it but there was no damage so I don't count that except enough to mention it because I think it's good to be as honest as possible - I don't think they count it either though).
On June 9th I crashed into my brother's car. I was driving up to my parents' house to pick up the family to drive them to the airport and I had my girls with me. I coasted into their street. I was thinking I would park in the driveway but decided that wouldn't give us much room to load the bags in the car so I redirected my van to park it in front of the driveway behind my brother's car. I was thinking I would just reverse my car a little to straighten it out (because I am an anal retentive parker and I wanted to park parallel to the driveway).
My next thoughts went something like this, "Ah, I'm going forward fast! I hit Steve's car! Holy crap! His car is so bashed in and it's still rolling. Please stop rolling. Do I need to get out and try to stop it?" Thankfully the car stopped rolling. Knowing they had a plane to catch and I just screwed up majorly, I jumped out of the car and ran into the house (yes, I left the girls in the car without saying a word to them because I was a slight basket case).
My brother was in the front room as I entered and declared, "Oh my gosh, Steve, I'm so sorry. I just crashed your car." I was beginning to cry and flap my hands (yeah, I do that when I am both super happy or emotional). He gave me a hug and said it was ok (tender moment). He hadn't seen the car. He asked where the girls were and that's when I remembered them (great mothering moment).
We went out to see the girls and assess the damage. Steve saw his car and asked, "How fast were you going?!" I opened the sliding door of the van and the girls just stared and calmly asked what happened. We got the girls out and we all inspected the scene. JJ kept asking why I did that. "You crashed Steve's car."
We were all fine. Our swagger wagon was barely damaged but my brother's Nissan Sentra looked like crap (it turns out I totaled his car). We figure instead of hitting the brake before switching my car in reverse to park perfectly, I hit the gas and parked horrifically.
My brother mentioned that I'm like one of those elderly people that crashes into open markets and kills people (NOT tender moment). That thought has sort of tormented me ever since (I'm not blaming Steve, I thought the same thing when it was mentioned that I must have hit the gas instead.). I feared hitting people with my car even before all of this but there is just more of a reality that I am humanly capable.
The girls remind me of my driving faux pas often still to this day.
JJ - "Don't crash!" "You crash Steve's car?" "Why you crash Steve's car?"
Sarah - we were buckling her in to her carseat and someone asked, "What happens next?" and she replied, "We crash" (that was not the answer they were expecting). Sarah often makes her toys crash and she will physically reenact the crash.
At least they are coping verbally :~).
Fast forward to late July. It's a Tuesday night, Lisa's night, Jonathan watches the girls so I can spend time with friends or do whatever I want to relax. I was running late to meet a friend (same friend who's car I bumped into when I was pregnant) at a coffee shop. I backed out angled instead of straight, forgetting the carport pole on the passenger side of the Saturn. It rips a chunk of plastic off above the tire exposing the metal frame underneath. Luckily there was barely any damage to the carport pole and it did not collapse (as I feared after I realized what I had just done). That's how the Saturn got the name Scarface.
I've seriously contemplated using public transportation considering my unpredictable driving ability lately. Sadly all we have are buses in our area and they are not cost effective for more than one person that already has a car.
My mom says that this is something that can happen while driving under the influence of small children.
Cars are scary and powerful. I've known that for many years. It's one thing to mentally know you are capable of something and another to have physical (embarrassing) proof of what I am capable of. I've tried to really clear my mind of distractions while driving. God, protect us and those around me.
My wise husband reminded me (as I was joking about my sucky driving ability) that my identity is not based by my past mistakes. I am forgiven. I should live in that freedom. He had me choose a day when I would no longer label myself based on my recent driving record. I should be aware of my weaknesses but not dwell in them.
Hello, my name is Lisa, and I am redeemed.
"For
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
What a Hypocrite I am . . .
Modeling good behavior is one of the best ways to parent. I've realized some of my hypocritical ways during my daily interactions with the girls. Do what I say, not what I do. There is guilt. I'm making efforts to remedy many of these when I realize it.
I eat a chocolate chip FiberOne Bar for breakfast.
I don't always make my bed.
I don't always flush the toilet (you know, when it's just pee, to save water).
I use more than six squares of toilet paper at a time.
I put my feet up on the coffee table.
I don't always say, "Please."
I don't always say, "Thank you."
I scratch my arms (poor Sarah got eczema on her elbow pits like me).
I eat cookies whenever I want. (This is why I try not to have sweets in the house too often.)
I grab things out of the girl's hands without asking if I really don't want them touching it or I don't want to play keep away.
I often throw my clothes on the floor before bed (cuz, ya know, I might wear them again).
What things do you do?
I eat a chocolate chip FiberOne Bar for breakfast.
I don't always make my bed.
I don't always flush the toilet (you know, when it's just pee, to save water).
I use more than six squares of toilet paper at a time.
I put my feet up on the coffee table.
I don't always say, "Please."
I don't always say, "Thank you."
I scratch my arms (poor Sarah got eczema on her elbow pits like me).
I eat cookies whenever I want. (This is why I try not to have sweets in the house too often.)
I grab things out of the girl's hands without asking if I really don't want them touching it or I don't want to play keep away.
I often throw my clothes on the floor before bed (cuz, ya know, I might wear them again).
What things do you do?
Monday, August 23, 2010
My Big Sister!
Sarah got to go to JJ's chapel time during preschool. Sarah was in the front row. JJ was a few rows behind her, and I was a few rows behind JJ. At one point Sarah turned around on her knees, pointed at JJ, and yelled, "That's my big sister!"
I wonder how much of this experience Sarah will remember. There are moments that are beautiful.
I wonder how much of this experience Sarah will remember. There are moments that are beautiful.
Fun Summer!
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| We got to go to the zoo. |
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| We got to ride in the caboose of the Disneyland train. (Yes, I had JJ wear Sarah's doggy backpack with a leash. When I tried without, to see if it was necessary, JJ ran. I had to chase.) |
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| JJ waiting in line. |
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| Sarah waiting in line. |
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| Camping |
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| They got the giggles. It was so cute. |
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| We had a great picture of all three of them laughing. |
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| Deer walked through our campground. |
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| Smelling the flowers. There is a smile behind there :~) |
Friday, August 20, 2010
Phillip the Hyper-Hypo
Many times throughout each day JJ will tempt Sarah to make bad choices. I know kids do this. It's normal. I also know that the intention behind JJ doing it is to irritate me. I'm not supposed to take things personally but it is pretty obvious that making me sad or upset is a big motivator. Tempting Sarah is a huge button of mine that she has to push and she knows it.
The line that tends to go through my head during these times is not the most helpful in keeping me regulated. It is from the Saturday Night Live sketch with Mike Myers and Nicole Kidman entitled Phillip, the Hyper-Hypo. Near the end of the sketch Grace offers Phillip a candy bar and Mike Myers says, "You're the devil."
JJ in all her beauty tempts so much that is difficult not to draw the connection to the sneaky evil in this world. As I type this the words, "that can so easily entangle us," are going through my mind and I looked it up. It's from Hebrews 12:1:
The line that tends to go through my head during these times is not the most helpful in keeping me regulated. It is from the Saturday Night Live sketch with Mike Myers and Nicole Kidman entitled Phillip, the Hyper-Hypo. Near the end of the sketch Grace offers Phillip a candy bar and Mike Myers says, "You're the devil."
JJ in all her beauty tempts so much that is difficult not to draw the connection to the sneaky evil in this world. As I type this the words, "that can so easily entangle us," are going through my mind and I looked it up. It's from Hebrews 12:1:
Jesus, help me to finish strong and love JJ the way You first loved me. God, help me to see JJ for who you created her to be.Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart.(NIV)
Today was . . .
Fun.
Today went well.
We had fun . . . picking up toys. I know crazy, right. My spur of the moment idea seemed to work well with JJ (not so much Sarah). The idea was that we were pretending to be squirrels collecting nuts for the winter. I don't know if squirrels do that and I don't care because the blocks were the biggest mess and it worked perfectly. We gave squirrel high fives as we went, made noises with our mouths, and when it was almost all cleaned up we stopped for dessert, Turtle Tracks ice cream, which has nuts in it. Added fun!
At one point during the day JJ started spitting in my mom's car. I reminded her that it wasn't a very kind choice and asked her to please stop, which, as usual, didn't matter to her. At that point I just started asking her about the color of things and redirected her attention away from spitting.
During dinner preparation JJ kept going in the back room while Sarah was playing there which is not allowed ever since the incident, that I just call the incident. I did the 1, 2, 3, Magic counting after quickly chasing her out each time. Since time-out is usually in the girls' bedroom were Sarah was peacefully playing with her dolly, I chose to have JJ do time-out in a chair in front of the pantry near the entry of the kitchen. This was about 3 feet from where I was peeling potatoes so I just talked to her the whole time (while she wailed). I narrated my potato peeling process. I talked about how a friend had just called me from Alabama and started listing all the names of states I could think of and any connection we had with that state. I talked the whole time with a smile on my face (not giant Joker style but at least an upturned mouth) as though she really cared. She didn't get off time-out once. A few times she stopped crying confused at why I was still talking. It was quite entertaining for me to keep my mind engaged in something other than frustration that could have built up.
She did start the day with a time-out that she refused to do until the last available few minutes before preschool. JJ was making a bridge with her body between the couch and the coffee table (which I allowed and chose not to battle over that). Sarah tried to copy but her body didn't seem long enough at first. After a few attempts and repositioning, Sarah was able to do it and was so proud! JJ pushed her stomach down making her fall and ruining the tandem fun. (Dude, random connection, Tandem Ice Cream bars were good. Are they still around?) You hit, you sit.
I ended her day tickling her arm while she watched a numbers video before bed. She really likes that.
There are other things that happened (obviously). It was a good day.
Today went well.
We had fun . . . picking up toys. I know crazy, right. My spur of the moment idea seemed to work well with JJ (not so much Sarah). The idea was that we were pretending to be squirrels collecting nuts for the winter. I don't know if squirrels do that and I don't care because the blocks were the biggest mess and it worked perfectly. We gave squirrel high fives as we went, made noises with our mouths, and when it was almost all cleaned up we stopped for dessert, Turtle Tracks ice cream, which has nuts in it. Added fun!
At one point during the day JJ started spitting in my mom's car. I reminded her that it wasn't a very kind choice and asked her to please stop, which, as usual, didn't matter to her. At that point I just started asking her about the color of things and redirected her attention away from spitting.
During dinner preparation JJ kept going in the back room while Sarah was playing there which is not allowed ever since the incident, that I just call the incident. I did the 1, 2, 3, Magic counting after quickly chasing her out each time. Since time-out is usually in the girls' bedroom were Sarah was peacefully playing with her dolly, I chose to have JJ do time-out in a chair in front of the pantry near the entry of the kitchen. This was about 3 feet from where I was peeling potatoes so I just talked to her the whole time (while she wailed). I narrated my potato peeling process. I talked about how a friend had just called me from Alabama and started listing all the names of states I could think of and any connection we had with that state. I talked the whole time with a smile on my face (not giant Joker style but at least an upturned mouth) as though she really cared. She didn't get off time-out once. A few times she stopped crying confused at why I was still talking. It was quite entertaining for me to keep my mind engaged in something other than frustration that could have built up.
She did start the day with a time-out that she refused to do until the last available few minutes before preschool. JJ was making a bridge with her body between the couch and the coffee table (which I allowed and chose not to battle over that). Sarah tried to copy but her body didn't seem long enough at first. After a few attempts and repositioning, Sarah was able to do it and was so proud! JJ pushed her stomach down making her fall and ruining the tandem fun. (Dude, random connection, Tandem Ice Cream bars were good. Are they still around?) You hit, you sit.
I ended her day tickling her arm while she watched a numbers video before bed. She really likes that.
There are other things that happened (obviously). It was a good day.
Thursday, August 19, 2010
My Challenge to Myself
Jonathan and I are constantly discussing how we can improve with our interaction with JJ. We discuss our hearts and our struggles and speculate what are the hidden reasons for JJ's actions.
Disciplining while maintaining a feeling of unconditional love is really tricky.
We don't feel like we are doing a very good job.
We are really struggling with unconditional love. It doesn't come naturally. We must not be tapping into the source well enough.
Sarah has been the best at the unconditional love as seen in the cracker incident. My mom pointed out that might be why JJ hasn't really hurt her yet. Although we have noticed some violent actions towards Sarah lately and I realized Sarah has been acting more stressed and annoyed by JJ recently. I often hear Sarah yell, "No talk a me!" when she gets overwhelmed by JJ.
Anyways, we want JJ to feel unconditionally loved. That's why we got into foster parenting in the first place. We want to provide a safe and loving environment to a child during their time of need and confusion.
Basically she will do the opposite of what I ask pretty much all the time. She seems to like to live in the constant battle/testing state. Even when we try to have fun and play she will try to disrupt it in some way so that we can no longer continue with our planned activity. She will do everything in her power to require a time out so she can not sit on time-out and watch me slowly reach my breaking point as the day goes on.
People say, "Pick your battles." Which sounds great but then JJ just seems to escalate until I need to discipline her.
I love to joke and have fun. I don't feel like I can do that with JJ. She will become a bubble of nonsense and spastic actions. It becomes no fun very quickly. I have gotten to the place where I fear what will happen if I try. So, sadly, my behavior is different with each girl. I'm more excited to interact with Sarah because it will have meaning and often be funny. I've had a difficult time finding activities that JJ and I can do that allow us to share any special or memorable time.
I have found that there is a vicious cycle. If I try to engage in some conversation and it often becomes her just repeating herself or my question. JJ will be loud or talking nonsense or sabotaging an activity and then my tendency is to ignore her. She wants attention so then she does things that require negative attention. I guess I just can't figure out how to interact with her.
Jonathan and I discussed just giving in to whatever JJ wants to try to eliminate any type of battle situation. We do not want to do that with Sarah though. We discussed treating them totally differently and seeing how JJ reacts to Sarah being held to a higher standard. We think this would not be helpful because she would just escalate things more and probably become violent towards Sarah because she knows we will react to that.
We decided on forcing ourselves to not ignore her. She talks A LOT and doesn't always make any sense so this will be interesting. This will mean that I will be very intentional about my time so that I am playing more and trying to have fun. Dammit, we will have fun! I will figure out a way. She likes to skip holding hands with me. She likes to dance (sometimes). I can try, again, to practice gymnastics with her. When she does start making nonsense I can say, "I don't understand what you are trying to say so I'm having a hard time thinking of a way to respond. I'll just listen to you." I will practice a technique we tried in the past that seemed to work some: when she is getting spastic, we ask her if she wants a hug.
I will need to keep my stress level down. I will need to make sure I am not taking things as a personal attack although I know she does things just to make me angry. I need to make sure I model excellent anger management. My anger shows itself not usually with a loud voice but more with sarcasm and rude responses. Oh and it's hard to hide my thoughts when it comes to my facial expressions. (Like, today at the park, when, I'm pretty sure, JJ's nose dripped watery snot down my arm and I tried to wipe the look of pure disgust off my face. She even asked, "Why you look like that?")
I was trying to think of a simple saying to separate my irritation from her attempts to anger me. At first I was trying to think of something funny and Jonathan asked why it couldn't be something to help me realize how truly sad the struggle is for JJ. I've decided on, "She has never had a bed before." This is not true of JJ but it is just twisting the line from the movie The Blind Side that can make me bawl even if I'm just watching the trailer.
It's to remind me that she isn't accustomed to "normal" attention and interaction.
Personality Note:
I don't like drama. When people create drama, I tend to remove myself from any circumstances that would involve me needing to respond to the drama. I have been known to avoid people that I deem to be drama creators in my life. I will be friendly and try to stay at peace with them but that is accomplished because I limit my involvement with them. I'm fighting my nature here.
Disciplining while maintaining a feeling of unconditional love is really tricky.
We don't feel like we are doing a very good job.
We are really struggling with unconditional love. It doesn't come naturally. We must not be tapping into the source well enough.
Sarah has been the best at the unconditional love as seen in the cracker incident. My mom pointed out that might be why JJ hasn't really hurt her yet. Although we have noticed some violent actions towards Sarah lately and I realized Sarah has been acting more stressed and annoyed by JJ recently. I often hear Sarah yell, "No talk a me!" when she gets overwhelmed by JJ.
Anyways, we want JJ to feel unconditionally loved. That's why we got into foster parenting in the first place. We want to provide a safe and loving environment to a child during their time of need and confusion.
Basically she will do the opposite of what I ask pretty much all the time. She seems to like to live in the constant battle/testing state. Even when we try to have fun and play she will try to disrupt it in some way so that we can no longer continue with our planned activity. She will do everything in her power to require a time out so she can not sit on time-out and watch me slowly reach my breaking point as the day goes on.
People say, "Pick your battles." Which sounds great but then JJ just seems to escalate until I need to discipline her.
I love to joke and have fun. I don't feel like I can do that with JJ. She will become a bubble of nonsense and spastic actions. It becomes no fun very quickly. I have gotten to the place where I fear what will happen if I try. So, sadly, my behavior is different with each girl. I'm more excited to interact with Sarah because it will have meaning and often be funny. I've had a difficult time finding activities that JJ and I can do that allow us to share any special or memorable time.
I have found that there is a vicious cycle. If I try to engage in some conversation and it often becomes her just repeating herself or my question. JJ will be loud or talking nonsense or sabotaging an activity and then my tendency is to ignore her. She wants attention so then she does things that require negative attention. I guess I just can't figure out how to interact with her.
Jonathan and I discussed just giving in to whatever JJ wants to try to eliminate any type of battle situation. We do not want to do that with Sarah though. We discussed treating them totally differently and seeing how JJ reacts to Sarah being held to a higher standard. We think this would not be helpful because she would just escalate things more and probably become violent towards Sarah because she knows we will react to that.
We decided on forcing ourselves to not ignore her. She talks A LOT and doesn't always make any sense so this will be interesting. This will mean that I will be very intentional about my time so that I am playing more and trying to have fun. Dammit, we will have fun! I will figure out a way. She likes to skip holding hands with me. She likes to dance (sometimes). I can try, again, to practice gymnastics with her. When she does start making nonsense I can say, "I don't understand what you are trying to say so I'm having a hard time thinking of a way to respond. I'll just listen to you." I will practice a technique we tried in the past that seemed to work some: when she is getting spastic, we ask her if she wants a hug.
I will need to keep my stress level down. I will need to make sure I am not taking things as a personal attack although I know she does things just to make me angry. I need to make sure I model excellent anger management. My anger shows itself not usually with a loud voice but more with sarcasm and rude responses. Oh and it's hard to hide my thoughts when it comes to my facial expressions. (Like, today at the park, when, I'm pretty sure, JJ's nose dripped watery snot down my arm and I tried to wipe the look of pure disgust off my face. She even asked, "Why you look like that?")
I was trying to think of a simple saying to separate my irritation from her attempts to anger me. At first I was trying to think of something funny and Jonathan asked why it couldn't be something to help me realize how truly sad the struggle is for JJ. I've decided on, "She has never had a bed before." This is not true of JJ but it is just twisting the line from the movie The Blind Side that can make me bawl even if I'm just watching the trailer.
It's to remind me that she isn't accustomed to "normal" attention and interaction.
Personality Note:
I don't like drama. When people create drama, I tend to remove myself from any circumstances that would involve me needing to respond to the drama. I have been known to avoid people that I deem to be drama creators in my life. I will be friendly and try to stay at peace with them but that is accomplished because I limit my involvement with them. I'm fighting my nature here.
Friday, August 13, 2010
Shoot the Hostage...
Remember Keanu Reeve's movie SPEED?
A scene near the beginning of the movie:
Now, don't get us wrong, we're in no way saying that JJ is the bad guy or that we're going to shoot anybody, but recently, the metaphor has been helpful for us in trying to solve tricky situations.
We're trying to avoid battles of will that result in win-lose or lose-win situations. However, it seems like once that game gets started, it's really difficult to stop it. Unless you can find a clever way to shoot the hostage and get rid of the game.
If anyone has any better ideas for handling these situations PLEASE comment or email me. We are such newbies with this whole parenting thing and especially with parenting a child from neglect/trauma. We would really like to improve or be corrected if there are better ways. It's tricky because there are contradictory views and they often have reasonable explanations for why their way is better.
SITUATION #1
For four months, we've been encouraging JJ that when she wakes up from naptime, she has permission to leave her room. Sarah gets it. Sarah feels completely empowered and free to leave her room when she wakes up. For some reason, JJ does not. Maybe it's something from her past foster placements. Maybe it's something from her family life. We don't know. Even when Sarah and JJ take naps in the same room, JJ will see Sarah awaken, get out of bed, leave the room, and close the door behind her, but JJ will still stay in her room.
But here's JJ's game: I'm going to forget the permission I have and stay closed up in my room, pretending or very really believing that I can't come out. I will even stay in my room so long that I pee my pants, start crying, and revert to an infant-like emotional state.
We've tried many scenarios to figure out her emotional needs. 1) Going in to affectionately tickle and kiss her till she awakes. 2) Entering and saying, "Silly, you know you can come out" and leaving the door open. Half the time she'll close the door, stay in her room, and start crying. 3) Letting her stay in her room to see if she'll choose to come out. 4) Waiting the hour and a half for her to come out, then cheering and encouraging her that we've been waiting to play with her, thinking that she'll want the positive feedback.
And we finally think we've found a way to get rid of the game >>> After she's fallen into deep hibernation, we open the door and put the anti-slam foam on the top so she can't close the door and start the game back up.
We've yet to see if it'll work, but we have high hopes.
SITUATION #2
It's Monday, Life Group night, our small group of friends come over to talk about life and the girls usually go to sleep about half way through. This particular night the girls were asked to clean up their toys before they went to bed. JJ only had a few maybe one thing out right in front of her toy basket and she was refusing to pick it up, ignoring every sort of communication I attempted with her, and moved away from me.
JJ's Game: The longer I wait to pick up my toys, the longer I will be able to try to interact with people. Even if I get time-out, I can stay awake longer.
The girls had already put their PJ's on and brushed their teeth. I assessed the situation. Her next count was 3 which would normally be time-out. I said, "That's three. Bedtime," and I lifted her in the cradle position off the couch (where she was sitting smiling at people) and carried her towards the bathroom on the way to her room. Surprised, she said, "Time-out?! I want read a story. . . . I want clean up my toys." To which I responded, "If you wanted to clean up your toys you would have chosen to do it already. Do you need to go to the bathroom before going to bed?" She chose not to use the restroom. I laid her in bed. She was yelling about wanting to read a book so I returned and explained the situation with it being too close to bedtime for time-out, she made the choice not to listen to my words, and that meant no story just bedtime. She went to sleep quietly. Game eliminated.
SITUATION #3 (still trying to figure out if there is a hostage to shoot in this situation)
The expectations are small: the girls earn a nickel each time they pick up their toys or make their beds. We got the idea from Dave Ramsey and think it's a great idea to instill the value of money, working for things, and filling your role in the family.
JJ earned $2.00 from her chores and bought a bike with it (that's a serious parent discount, I know). On any particular day, if JJ wants to ride her bike at the park, she needs to make her bed and pick up her toys. Considering she is four-years-old, this seems reasonable. We aren't expecting her bed to be perfectly made or anything, we just expect her to try her best. We know she can do it because we have modeled, instructed, and practiced with her many times. She can do this.
She doesn't even attempt. She will just cry, "I want to ride my bike." To which we reply, "You know what to do." We know she knows what to do because when we aren't in the moment (I guess you could say, a more regulated state), we have asked, "What do you need to do in order to ride your bike?" and she answers correctly. She gets it.
So the problem is figuring out the identity of the hostage? What is the game? Cause if you don't know the hostage, you aren't going to change the game. And there's always the possibility that RAD-logic sometimes doesn't keep hostages.
My theory: She desperately wants to ride her bike, but something deep inside her takes over with a deep desire to take control. While it may seem like we're giving her control over the situation, she knows we've rigged the game for her to want to ride her bike. So when the I-want-control-right-now-because-this-big-confusing-world-has-taken-control-from-me urge for control takes over, her control = not doing her chores because we made that rule. And this breaks my heart. I can see it in her face sometimes too...that I really want to ride my bike but something in me makes me want control more than fun.
FYI, mommy & daddy . . . as strange as it may sound, this is also why I pee my pants. Two things I have complete control over -- 1) peeing and pooping my pants and 2) not riding my bike.
And in spite of all that, we continue to search for the hostage.
A scene near the beginning of the movie:
Then later, Keanu Reeve's character shoots his friend so the bad guy can't "play the game" anymore.Harry: "Alright, pop quiz: The airport. Gunman with one hostage, he's using her for cover, he's almost to the plane. You're a hundred feet away. (Long pause) Jack?"
Jack: "Shoot the hostage.""
Harry: "What?"
Jack: "Take her out of the equation. Go for the good wound and he can't get to the plane with her. Clear shot"
Harry: "You are deeply nuts, you know that? 'Shoot the hostage'... jeez..."
Now, don't get us wrong, we're in no way saying that JJ is the bad guy or that we're going to shoot anybody, but recently, the metaphor has been helpful for us in trying to solve tricky situations.
We're trying to avoid battles of will that result in win-lose or lose-win situations. However, it seems like once that game gets started, it's really difficult to stop it. Unless you can find a clever way to shoot the hostage and get rid of the game.
If anyone has any better ideas for handling these situations PLEASE comment or email me. We are such newbies with this whole parenting thing and especially with parenting a child from neglect/trauma. We would really like to improve or be corrected if there are better ways. It's tricky because there are contradictory views and they often have reasonable explanations for why their way is better.
SITUATION #1
For four months, we've been encouraging JJ that when she wakes up from naptime, she has permission to leave her room. Sarah gets it. Sarah feels completely empowered and free to leave her room when she wakes up. For some reason, JJ does not. Maybe it's something from her past foster placements. Maybe it's something from her family life. We don't know. Even when Sarah and JJ take naps in the same room, JJ will see Sarah awaken, get out of bed, leave the room, and close the door behind her, but JJ will still stay in her room.
But here's JJ's game: I'm going to forget the permission I have and stay closed up in my room, pretending or very really believing that I can't come out. I will even stay in my room so long that I pee my pants, start crying, and revert to an infant-like emotional state.
We've tried many scenarios to figure out her emotional needs. 1) Going in to affectionately tickle and kiss her till she awakes. 2) Entering and saying, "Silly, you know you can come out" and leaving the door open. Half the time she'll close the door, stay in her room, and start crying. 3) Letting her stay in her room to see if she'll choose to come out. 4) Waiting the hour and a half for her to come out, then cheering and encouraging her that we've been waiting to play with her, thinking that she'll want the positive feedback.
And we finally think we've found a way to get rid of the game >>> After she's fallen into deep hibernation, we open the door and put the anti-slam foam on the top so she can't close the door and start the game back up.
We've yet to see if it'll work, but we have high hopes.
SITUATION #2
It's Monday, Life Group night, our small group of friends come over to talk about life and the girls usually go to sleep about half way through. This particular night the girls were asked to clean up their toys before they went to bed. JJ only had a few maybe one thing out right in front of her toy basket and she was refusing to pick it up, ignoring every sort of communication I attempted with her, and moved away from me.
JJ's Game: The longer I wait to pick up my toys, the longer I will be able to try to interact with people. Even if I get time-out, I can stay awake longer.
The girls had already put their PJ's on and brushed their teeth. I assessed the situation. Her next count was 3 which would normally be time-out. I said, "That's three. Bedtime," and I lifted her in the cradle position off the couch (where she was sitting smiling at people) and carried her towards the bathroom on the way to her room. Surprised, she said, "Time-out?! I want read a story. . . . I want clean up my toys." To which I responded, "If you wanted to clean up your toys you would have chosen to do it already. Do you need to go to the bathroom before going to bed?" She chose not to use the restroom. I laid her in bed. She was yelling about wanting to read a book so I returned and explained the situation with it being too close to bedtime for time-out, she made the choice not to listen to my words, and that meant no story just bedtime. She went to sleep quietly. Game eliminated.
SITUATION #3 (still trying to figure out if there is a hostage to shoot in this situation)
The expectations are small: the girls earn a nickel each time they pick up their toys or make their beds. We got the idea from Dave Ramsey and think it's a great idea to instill the value of money, working for things, and filling your role in the family.
JJ earned $2.00 from her chores and bought a bike with it (that's a serious parent discount, I know). On any particular day, if JJ wants to ride her bike at the park, she needs to make her bed and pick up her toys. Considering she is four-years-old, this seems reasonable. We aren't expecting her bed to be perfectly made or anything, we just expect her to try her best. We know she can do it because we have modeled, instructed, and practiced with her many times. She can do this.
She doesn't even attempt. She will just cry, "I want to ride my bike." To which we reply, "You know what to do." We know she knows what to do because when we aren't in the moment (I guess you could say, a more regulated state), we have asked, "What do you need to do in order to ride your bike?" and she answers correctly. She gets it.
So the problem is figuring out the identity of the hostage? What is the game? Cause if you don't know the hostage, you aren't going to change the game. And there's always the possibility that RAD-logic sometimes doesn't keep hostages.
My theory: She desperately wants to ride her bike, but something deep inside her takes over with a deep desire to take control. While it may seem like we're giving her control over the situation, she knows we've rigged the game for her to want to ride her bike. So when the I-want-control-right-now-because-this-big-confusing-world-has-taken-control-from-me urge for control takes over, her control = not doing her chores because we made that rule. And this breaks my heart. I can see it in her face sometimes too...that I really want to ride my bike but something in me makes me want control more than fun.
FYI, mommy & daddy . . . as strange as it may sound, this is also why I pee my pants. Two things I have complete control over -- 1) peeing and pooping my pants and 2) not riding my bike.
And in spite of all that, we continue to search for the hostage.
Saturday, July 31, 2010
So This Is Respite
JJ began weekend visits with her parents. From Friday evening until Sunday evening she is away with her parents. Jonathan and I realized how our home life has changed since she joined our family. The most obvious thing has been the volume level in our home. When JJ is around there is constant noise. She's either talking, creating sounds with her mouth, clapping, tapping, or banging objects. All of this is usually quite loudly. Sarah sings and talks while she plays but no where close to as loud as JJ's noises. The volume level increase is affected by the girls repeating each other's words and noises often but even when I'm just with JJ, noise is constant. It may be physically impossible for her to be quiet. Even when she sleeps, she snores.
During our weekend we got a chance to remember what our family is like without JJ. It is so peaceful. At one point Jonathan and I allowed ourselves to realize that our life could have been like that for the last 3 months. Peaceful. We also realized that our selfishness could run wild with that thought and so we must take that thought captive and submit it to Christ.
I wish I could glorify our choice to become foster parents but I can't. It just is and we really feel like we should be doing what we are doing because JJ deserves to be loved and live in a safe place.
We are enjoying our weekend respites. I'm quite thankful for the chance to recharge and mentally prepare myself for another week.
During our weekend we got a chance to remember what our family is like without JJ. It is so peaceful. At one point Jonathan and I allowed ourselves to realize that our life could have been like that for the last 3 months. Peaceful. We also realized that our selfishness could run wild with that thought and so we must take that thought captive and submit it to Christ.
I wish I could glorify our choice to become foster parents but I can't. It just is and we really feel like we should be doing what we are doing because JJ deserves to be loved and live in a safe place.
We are enjoying our weekend respites. I'm quite thankful for the chance to recharge and mentally prepare myself for another week.
Meet Mama Bear
So, the hardest times for me are when Sarah is affected or influenced by JJ's behavior.
This is a big button for JJ to push. I know this so when JJ seems to be exceptionally mean or tempting to Sarah, I try to contain my internal pissed offness and my mama bear instinct to protect my offspring. I know these feelings are rooted in fear so I try to focus on my fears that are being triggered. That's when dependence on God comes in handy because my human nature and brokeness have been very evident through this foster experience journey as I learn to love JJ and view her the way God views her.
Most recently I had a Mama Bear experience where my reaction was not "pissed offness" but sadness.
One of our fears is that some kind of abuse would occur to Sarah and her safety would be jeapordized. It's one of the reasons people say we shouldn't be foster parents because of this possibility.
Well, this became closer to a reality a week and a half ago.
I asked JJ to put on shoes for the park. She went back to the bedroom and Sarah followed. Within a few minutes I went back to peek on their progress as I went to get my shoes. We have a small apartment and I could hear them the whole time. As I walked by I saw JJ (she was clothed in a skort and tank top) with shoes on lying on her back with her legs bent and open. Sarah was kneeling between JJ’s legs and JJ was holding the back of Sarah’s head and rubbing her face back and forth in her crotch while giving some command about her “Ne-Ne” (which is what she calls her private parts). This was not a pretty sight. My angle . . . was . . . it was not good. That's my baby girl. I rushed in, grabbed Sarah, felt the mama bear well up within me when I looked at JJ, controlled myself with a deep breath, and went out of the room. I closed the door (leaving JJ in there) and started crying in the hall.
When I asked Sarah what they were doing she said her finger puppet turtle was giving JJ kisses. She did indeed have a finger puppet turtle on her pointer finger. I prayed, calmed down, and returned to the bedroom to calmly and nonchalantly ask JJ what they were playing. JJ said, “Sarah no bite my ne-ne,” and asked why I had been crying. I said I was sad about something but I am better now. I asked her to show me with a teddy bear what they were playing. Then Sarah came back in and I didn't want to make it a bigger deal than it already might have been due to my instant reaction crying so I didn't push the issue.
Later, I told Sarah that her face shouldn’t be near people’s privates and to tell anyone that tried to put her face near them to say, "No! Stop!”
I left it at that. Considering I didn't see what led up to the visual I saw (oy, vey), both stories seemed to correlate, and Sarah seemed unfazed (she is quite loud when something is being done to her that she doesn't like and that alarm wasn't sounded during this incident). My understanding is that Sarah was trying to have her finger puppet turtle kiss JJ on the lips (I have seen Sarah do this with her toys recently) and this is what led to the positioning of Sarah and JJ. Then somehow it switched to what I saw. I seemed to have caught it quickly enough. I don't think Sarah realized what was happening. What switched in JJ's brain to make her do what she did, we don't and won't know. I was able to get her to repeat a few times the command she was saying to Sarah but was still unable to discipher what she was saying except for the word "ne-ne."
According to the social worker, this is all still within the realm of normal. It could mean more but it could be just play. For us, considering a month ago I heard JJ ask Sarah to touch her ne-ne and a few days prior to this instance JJ asked another student at preschool to show her their privates, we are being extremely cautious. We no longer allow the girls to be alone together at all for even the shortest amounts of time even though our apartment is small and doors are usually kept open, we don't want to leave room for any possibilities. They share a bedroom so we have switched up the night-night and nap routines so that JJ goes to bed first and we wait until she is asleep if we are going to but Sarah in bed or we have been having Sarah sleep in our bed. JJ is a deep sleeper. When she sleeps, she sleeps and we have never known her to wake up in the middle of the night except for once when Sarah was crying a lot.
Jonathan and I have been discussing where we draw the line considering our safety and especially the safety of Sarah. What is our theology when it comes to personal safety. At what point would we consider asking JJ to be removed from our home. We know that we are her 5th placement since November 2009. So in the last 9 months she has lived in 5 different homes, 3 almost 4 of those months have been with us, the last transition (into our home) seemed to affect her the most (because her prior placement was with family members that she was really close to), and none of the placement changes have been based on her behavior but due to other reasons. This poor girl has been through so much.
Since this incident (maybe because of this incident), the county social worker has accelerated the reunification process and weekend/over-night visits with JJ's parents started last Friday. Thankfully, she has also begun weekly therapy sessions. Hopefully more will be learned about JJ and the best decisions will be made with her well-being in mind.
This is a big button for JJ to push. I know this so when JJ seems to be exceptionally mean or tempting to Sarah, I try to contain my internal pissed offness and my mama bear instinct to protect my offspring. I know these feelings are rooted in fear so I try to focus on my fears that are being triggered. That's when dependence on God comes in handy because my human nature and brokeness have been very evident through this foster experience journey as I learn to love JJ and view her the way God views her.
Most recently I had a Mama Bear experience where my reaction was not "pissed offness" but sadness.
One of our fears is that some kind of abuse would occur to Sarah and her safety would be jeapordized. It's one of the reasons people say we shouldn't be foster parents because of this possibility.
Well, this became closer to a reality a week and a half ago.
I asked JJ to put on shoes for the park. She went back to the bedroom and Sarah followed. Within a few minutes I went back to peek on their progress as I went to get my shoes. We have a small apartment and I could hear them the whole time. As I walked by I saw JJ (she was clothed in a skort and tank top) with shoes on lying on her back with her legs bent and open. Sarah was kneeling between JJ’s legs and JJ was holding the back of Sarah’s head and rubbing her face back and forth in her crotch while giving some command about her “Ne-Ne” (which is what she calls her private parts). This was not a pretty sight. My angle . . . was . . . it was not good. That's my baby girl. I rushed in, grabbed Sarah, felt the mama bear well up within me when I looked at JJ, controlled myself with a deep breath, and went out of the room. I closed the door (leaving JJ in there) and started crying in the hall.
When I asked Sarah what they were doing she said her finger puppet turtle was giving JJ kisses. She did indeed have a finger puppet turtle on her pointer finger. I prayed, calmed down, and returned to the bedroom to calmly and nonchalantly ask JJ what they were playing. JJ said, “Sarah no bite my ne-ne,” and asked why I had been crying. I said I was sad about something but I am better now. I asked her to show me with a teddy bear what they were playing. Then Sarah came back in and I didn't want to make it a bigger deal than it already might have been due to my instant reaction crying so I didn't push the issue.
Later, I told Sarah that her face shouldn’t be near people’s privates and to tell anyone that tried to put her face near them to say, "No! Stop!”
I left it at that. Considering I didn't see what led up to the visual I saw (oy, vey), both stories seemed to correlate, and Sarah seemed unfazed (she is quite loud when something is being done to her that she doesn't like and that alarm wasn't sounded during this incident). My understanding is that Sarah was trying to have her finger puppet turtle kiss JJ on the lips (I have seen Sarah do this with her toys recently) and this is what led to the positioning of Sarah and JJ. Then somehow it switched to what I saw. I seemed to have caught it quickly enough. I don't think Sarah realized what was happening. What switched in JJ's brain to make her do what she did, we don't and won't know. I was able to get her to repeat a few times the command she was saying to Sarah but was still unable to discipher what she was saying except for the word "ne-ne."
According to the social worker, this is all still within the realm of normal. It could mean more but it could be just play. For us, considering a month ago I heard JJ ask Sarah to touch her ne-ne and a few days prior to this instance JJ asked another student at preschool to show her their privates, we are being extremely cautious. We no longer allow the girls to be alone together at all for even the shortest amounts of time even though our apartment is small and doors are usually kept open, we don't want to leave room for any possibilities. They share a bedroom so we have switched up the night-night and nap routines so that JJ goes to bed first and we wait until she is asleep if we are going to but Sarah in bed or we have been having Sarah sleep in our bed. JJ is a deep sleeper. When she sleeps, she sleeps and we have never known her to wake up in the middle of the night except for once when Sarah was crying a lot.
Jonathan and I have been discussing where we draw the line considering our safety and especially the safety of Sarah. What is our theology when it comes to personal safety. At what point would we consider asking JJ to be removed from our home. We know that we are her 5th placement since November 2009. So in the last 9 months she has lived in 5 different homes, 3 almost 4 of those months have been with us, the last transition (into our home) seemed to affect her the most (because her prior placement was with family members that she was really close to), and none of the placement changes have been based on her behavior but due to other reasons. This poor girl has been through so much.
Since this incident (maybe because of this incident), the county social worker has accelerated the reunification process and weekend/over-night visits with JJ's parents started last Friday. Thankfully, she has also begun weekly therapy sessions. Hopefully more will be learned about JJ and the best decisions will be made with her well-being in mind.
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
Foster Parenting Podcast
A few years ago I took a class at my church, A World In Need: Justice for the Poor, taught by foster parent W from the Foster Parenting Podcast (this was all before she became a foster mom). It was a thoughtful class but I honestly can't remember what was taught (until I skimmed my notes again). The thing that left the most impact was the heart and joy that foster mom W had for others. On one of the last nights, we had a conversation about adoption. We are merely acquaintances with some friends of friends but yet I feel like I could sit talk with her for a while whenever our paths cross again.
Wednesday, July 14, 2010
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
Sabotage
Daddy and husband again:
I may not have this completely accurate, but here's how it is in my brain. Attachment is real. It sure seems to me that it's a miracle of creation that when Sarah was born, I longed to hold her for hours and stare into her eyes. Attachment. And here's the nutty thing: all my staring was wiring synapses in her brain that her emotions needed to function as God intended. Kids who don't get that attachment, can't get it back. It's a small window, and after the window closes, the synapses can't be connected. Crazy!
My first thought is: How could God allow kids to go through life without attachment?
But my answer comes back: He didn't intend it that way. He intended for all children to receive the needed attachment from their parents. And when he renews the Earth and brings back shalom and Eden, that's how things will happen for eternity.
But for now, on this side of God's shalom, some kids have attachment issues. Call it RAD. Call it ADD. Call it ADHD. Call it Bombaloo. Call it whatever you'd like, but it's real.
It's what causes our little girl to spaz her head about all twitchy for a few seconds like she got shocked by 1,000 amps of electricity. I don't think I could make my body move that way if I tried. She does it for attention. She so desperately longs to fill that attachment void that she'll do anything to lock on to pure love and she sabotages herself in the process.
Simple example: JJ's hula hooping in the living room, so I lean my chin on my hand and watch her, putting my most adoring facial expression on. She notices me looking at her, and all normal hula-hooping stops. Hoop falls.
"Why are you looking at me, Daddy?" She's fishing for my words. She knows why I'm looking at her.
"Because I love watching you hula hoop."
"Why?"
"Because I love you."
Her eyes lock mine for a moment. Then she flails the hula hoop around her body. Another look at me. She falls to the ground. Another look at me. She stands back up and flails the hoop to where it's smacking herself in the head. Hysterical laughter insues. Stumbling to the carpet.
See, she has my pure adoration, and she longs to keep it forever. But she doesn't know how. And she thinks she can lose it. She thinks that if my eyes leave her, then so has my love. So she goofs off and acts up to keep my love. Which spurs natural reactions in me to not love her. Which spurs more goofing off. Which spurs more reactions to not love her.
It's that attachment void again. Because she didn't get it when she needed it, she might spend the rest of her life searching for it, and the methods she uses to earn attachment will only drive it further away.
God, give me unconditional grace. Incarnational. The kind of love that steps in to her void even when I won't get anything in return.
I may not have this completely accurate, but here's how it is in my brain. Attachment is real. It sure seems to me that it's a miracle of creation that when Sarah was born, I longed to hold her for hours and stare into her eyes. Attachment. And here's the nutty thing: all my staring was wiring synapses in her brain that her emotions needed to function as God intended. Kids who don't get that attachment, can't get it back. It's a small window, and after the window closes, the synapses can't be connected. Crazy!
My first thought is: How could God allow kids to go through life without attachment?
But my answer comes back: He didn't intend it that way. He intended for all children to receive the needed attachment from their parents. And when he renews the Earth and brings back shalom and Eden, that's how things will happen for eternity.
But for now, on this side of God's shalom, some kids have attachment issues. Call it RAD. Call it ADD. Call it ADHD. Call it Bombaloo. Call it whatever you'd like, but it's real.
It's what causes our little girl to spaz her head about all twitchy for a few seconds like she got shocked by 1,000 amps of electricity. I don't think I could make my body move that way if I tried. She does it for attention. She so desperately longs to fill that attachment void that she'll do anything to lock on to pure love and she sabotages herself in the process.
Simple example: JJ's hula hooping in the living room, so I lean my chin on my hand and watch her, putting my most adoring facial expression on. She notices me looking at her, and all normal hula-hooping stops. Hoop falls.
"Why are you looking at me, Daddy?" She's fishing for my words. She knows why I'm looking at her.
"Because I love watching you hula hoop."
"Why?"
"Because I love you."
Her eyes lock mine for a moment. Then she flails the hula hoop around her body. Another look at me. She falls to the ground. Another look at me. She stands back up and flails the hoop to where it's smacking herself in the head. Hysterical laughter insues. Stumbling to the carpet.
See, she has my pure adoration, and she longs to keep it forever. But she doesn't know how. And she thinks she can lose it. She thinks that if my eyes leave her, then so has my love. So she goofs off and acts up to keep my love. Which spurs natural reactions in me to not love her. Which spurs more goofing off. Which spurs more reactions to not love her.
It's that attachment void again. Because she didn't get it when she needed it, she might spend the rest of her life searching for it, and the methods she uses to earn attachment will only drive it further away.
God, give me unconditional grace. Incarnational. The kind of love that steps in to her void even when I won't get anything in return.
Modeling God's Love and Discipline
Husband and Daddy here again:
Let's start this off with a few things that I have learned to strive for in my parenting:
(1) My children to see a model of God's love and discipline through my actions and words.
(2) To be filled with grace and truth and have the wisdom to know which to use and when.
(3) My actions and words to be so much like God's that the more they are drawn to my love, the more they are drawn to his.
This has led to a few Ah-Ha truths.
(1) Some instances require truth and discipline, while others require grace and talking.
(2) With all instances, the goal is to get the child to open up her heart and emotions and even talk about it. This is much more likely to happen when circumstances are handled with complete grace and nothing that JJ might see as punishment.
(3) JJ will do things because she believes something false about herself, and any discipline she receives for that behavior only reinforces in her brain that the falsehood is once again true. This cycle must be broken creatively, firmly, and lovingly.
(4) JJ's discipline and Sarah's discipline might look different and that's still fair. After all, God's word says to "train a child in the way SHE should go, and when she is old, she will not depart from it." There will be times when the fairest discipline might mean different consequences. It might even look like JJ getting grace and Sarah getting truth.
Their hearts are the goal. I want to model that with my heart and lead them into their own. I can't do that unless I love them like God does. And here's the really sucky part: some people still don't let God into their hearts. Translation: even if I love them like God loves us, they still might not let me in.
All I can do is try.
Sincerely,
More selfish than he realized.
Let's start this off with a few things that I have learned to strive for in my parenting:
(1) My children to see a model of God's love and discipline through my actions and words.
(2) To be filled with grace and truth and have the wisdom to know which to use and when.
(3) My actions and words to be so much like God's that the more they are drawn to my love, the more they are drawn to his.
This has led to a few Ah-Ha truths.
(1) Some instances require truth and discipline, while others require grace and talking.
(2) With all instances, the goal is to get the child to open up her heart and emotions and even talk about it. This is much more likely to happen when circumstances are handled with complete grace and nothing that JJ might see as punishment.
(3) JJ will do things because she believes something false about herself, and any discipline she receives for that behavior only reinforces in her brain that the falsehood is once again true. This cycle must be broken creatively, firmly, and lovingly.
(4) JJ's discipline and Sarah's discipline might look different and that's still fair. After all, God's word says to "train a child in the way SHE should go, and when she is old, she will not depart from it." There will be times when the fairest discipline might mean different consequences. It might even look like JJ getting grace and Sarah getting truth.
Their hearts are the goal. I want to model that with my heart and lead them into their own. I can't do that unless I love them like God does. And here's the really sucky part: some people still don't let God into their hearts. Translation: even if I love them like God loves us, they still might not let me in.
All I can do is try.
Sincerely,
More selfish than he realized.
The Holy Spirit
Like Lisa, I (husband and daddy) have been on a journey of learning to love. It ain't natural for me. I'm continuously amazed at how much God loves the unlovables of the world, those people that can be so difficult to love that the rest of humanity gives up on them. These are the ones who often aren't able to love back, but deep down, they're the ones who need it the most. And they sabotage themselves. They are their own worst enemy.
But the more I push myself to love, the more my heart actually loves. It's amazing. And I've been learning to pray for her. Honest, heartfelt, loving prayer.
JJ had a great day that finished terribly. She went completely Bombaloo. Later, when she was lying in bed and our bio-daughter was watching her sight words video before bed, I was staring at the bedroom monitor and began praying for Jenna. Halfway through my prayer, I really wanted to hear from God, so I asked him to manifest himself.
JJ had worked herself up and was 3/4 of the way down her bed, lying sideways beside her comforter, pillows on the floor, bedsheet crumpled up. I prayed that God's Spirit would come down on her and give her peace, that she would feel safety and love and pride and belonging. Then I asked God to show me proof of her feeling his peace.
"God," I asked, "if she's feeling your peace, have her roll toward the monitor and relax her propped-up knees. God give her peace, give her peace." A moment later, she rolled over and relaxed.
"God, help her to feel how much we love her, complete and unconditional love, safety, care. And when your Spirit is coming down on her, have her say, 'I love you, Jonathan.'" In a breathy solid voice, she said, "I love you, Jonathan."
"God, help her to feel how much we love her, complete and unconditional love, safety, care. And when your Spirit is coming down on her, have her say, 'I love you, Lisa.'" In a breathy solid voice, she said, "I love you, Lisa."
Then once more I prayed that she feel complete peace and belonging and home. I asked God that when his Spirit brings that on her that she would roll on her side and put her knees down again and go to sleep. She did all of it.
I couldn't believe it. I just wanted to keep praying for her. Very few times in my life has God's presence and activity manifested itself so vividly and immediately.
May he get all the glory through our lives and love.
But the more I push myself to love, the more my heart actually loves. It's amazing. And I've been learning to pray for her. Honest, heartfelt, loving prayer.
JJ had a great day that finished terribly. She went completely Bombaloo. Later, when she was lying in bed and our bio-daughter was watching her sight words video before bed, I was staring at the bedroom monitor and began praying for Jenna. Halfway through my prayer, I really wanted to hear from God, so I asked him to manifest himself.
JJ had worked herself up and was 3/4 of the way down her bed, lying sideways beside her comforter, pillows on the floor, bedsheet crumpled up. I prayed that God's Spirit would come down on her and give her peace, that she would feel safety and love and pride and belonging. Then I asked God to show me proof of her feeling his peace.
"God," I asked, "if she's feeling your peace, have her roll toward the monitor and relax her propped-up knees. God give her peace, give her peace." A moment later, she rolled over and relaxed.
"God, help her to feel how much we love her, complete and unconditional love, safety, care. And when your Spirit is coming down on her, have her say, 'I love you, Jonathan.'" In a breathy solid voice, she said, "I love you, Jonathan."
"God, help her to feel how much we love her, complete and unconditional love, safety, care. And when your Spirit is coming down on her, have her say, 'I love you, Lisa.'" In a breathy solid voice, she said, "I love you, Lisa."
Then once more I prayed that she feel complete peace and belonging and home. I asked God that when his Spirit brings that on her that she would roll on her side and put her knees down again and go to sleep. She did all of it.
I couldn't believe it. I just wanted to keep praying for her. Very few times in my life has God's presence and activity manifested itself so vividly and immediately.
May he get all the glory through our lives and love.
It's About Time!
I (finally) got a call today from the place where JJ will get therapy. Apparently she got lost in the system somehow. I look forward to tomorrow when we will meet the therapist (yeah) and I will be filling out paperwork (bummer). The social worker shared the irony that she has another child that doesn't totally need therapy and it only took 2 weeks to process and the request for JJ took 2 months and she really needs it.
Ah . . . I know it won't work miracles but I hope it will help us learn about the real JJ and get past the protective barrier she has put up.
Ah . . . I know it won't work miracles but I hope it will help us learn about the real JJ and get past the protective barrier she has put up.
Monday, July 12, 2010
A Lesson in Love - Modeled By a 1-Year-Old
We were at Papa and Nana's house doing laundry. JJ had cracker's from her sacklunch from preschool. She was taunting Sarah saying, "Here you want one," and then eating it. I let this happen a few times and watched how Sarah handled it. She was getting confused, frustrated, and started to whimper.
I explained to JJ that if she was offering Sarah a cracker she, then, must give her one because it is mean to only offer and then not share. JJ started sharing some of her crackers. When there were only two crackers left, she once again offered and then this time slowly ate it in front of Sarah. It was basically evil. Sarah started crying.
I was quite angry but decided to just see if I could find any crackers to give Sarah. I gave her two crackers and almost instantly, with tears still in her eyes, she turned and handed JJ one of the two crackers.
I explained to JJ that if she was offering Sarah a cracker she, then, must give her one because it is mean to only offer and then not share. JJ started sharing some of her crackers. When there were only two crackers left, she once again offered and then this time slowly ate it in front of Sarah. It was basically evil. Sarah started crying.
I was quite angry but decided to just see if I could find any crackers to give Sarah. I gave her two crackers and almost instantly, with tears still in her eyes, she turned and handed JJ one of the two crackers.
Fun Moments
I've realized that my other posts have been real negatives. There is joy and laughter still in our home.
We had a dance party.
We showed The Sneeze: How Germs are Spread video to help them understand germs and now they sing the song and say good-bye to germs as they wash their hands. It's cute and funny.
I bought clothes with JJ and she actually wears them (the Hello Kitty shirt was a real winner).
We were talking about friends and JJ (4) turned to Sarah (almost 2) and said, "Sarah, you my best friend?" I can't remember what Sarah said in response but the realization that Sarah probably was JJ's only real friend right now showed a tender moment of reality for me.
We had a dance party.
We showed The Sneeze: How Germs are Spread video to help them understand germs and now they sing the song and say good-bye to germs as they wash their hands. It's cute and funny.
I bought clothes with JJ and she actually wears them (the Hello Kitty shirt was a real winner).
We were talking about friends and JJ (4) turned to Sarah (almost 2) and said, "Sarah, you my best friend?" I can't remember what Sarah said in response but the realization that Sarah probably was JJ's only real friend right now showed a tender moment of reality for me.
Sunday, July 11, 2010
This Too Shall Pass
I've found peace in reminding myself that "This too shall pass." With both my girls (but mostly JJ) there are actions and struggles (peeing pants, purposeful falling for attention, etc.) that I do not enjoy dealing with. The realization that they are kids and have a lot of growing to do. Just because something happens frequently now, doesn't mean they will grow up and still do those things. My fear behind the emotions rising within me in those moments is based either on worrying about what others might be thinking (ew, your kids smell and are misbehaving, you are not a good parent) or an (irrational) fear that they will never grow out of this phase and it will affect their ability to have a happy, emotionally stable life.
My girls are smart and very capable. They will learn with practice and this too shall pass.
My girls are smart and very capable. They will learn with practice and this too shall pass.
Wednesday, July 7, 2010
I Smell Urine All Around Me . . . but it's not me
I found a post that pointed out the not "normal" smell although I remember reading one that actually said it was a "pee" smell even though bladder control wasn't an issue as much anymore.
Tuesday, July 6, 2010
found this while looking for something else . . .
My hubby and I have found this blog, http://www.welcometomybrain.net/ by Christine Moers, to be very helpful and has helped me stay a little more sane during this foster journey.
I was searching for a blog post about RAD kids constantly smelling like urine even if they haven't peed their pants (because we are trying to figure out JJ's constant pee smell) and I found this blog post instead. It's right along the lines of how I've been trying to remind myself to think of JJ.
I was searching for a blog post about RAD kids constantly smelling like urine even if they haven't peed their pants (because we are trying to figure out JJ's constant pee smell) and I found this blog post instead. It's right along the lines of how I've been trying to remind myself to think of JJ.
Spiritual Parenting
The pastor of Family Ministry at our church, Michelle Anthony, has written a book called Spiritual Parenting: Igniting Faith in your Family.
Some quotations from the first chapter:
So in the things I've read recently I get the theme that we can't control our kids' behavior. I'm finding it difficult to control frustrations and anxiety when their behavior is annoying, disgusting, or unsafe. I get that we need to stop unsafe behavior. Handling of other behaviors without feeling permissive and yet allowing grace and God to work feels confusing and isn't my natural instinct at all.
It's the timing between their behavior and my reaction that I need to breathe and ask the Holy Spirit for wisdom to lead me. I want to calm down. I'm by nature an easy-going person and as a parent of a foster child with some obvious attachment issues, I've felt like I'm losing lots of the person I love in myself. I'm experiencing brokeness and selfishness that I don't like and I am so tired.
Knowing that change does not happen because of our desire for them to change, but by God alone and our dependence on Him to guide us. I need to show myself some grace in this journey or I'm going to drive us all crazy.
Some quotations from the first chapter:
"My goal was to pass on a vibrant and transforming faith, the kind of faith in which:
- My children would know and hear God's voice, discerning it from all others;
- They would desire to obey Him when they heard His voice;
- They would obey Him not in their own power, but in the power of the Holy Spirit." pg. 16
"Furthermore, our purpose as parents is to teach our children about the awe-inspiring wonder of who God is, how to have a relationship with Him, and what it looks like to live our lives for Him and through Him." pg 17
"The danger in merely focusing on our children's outward behavior without the inner transformation is that sometimes our children will align their behavior to our mandates to please us or recieve approval. They can end up doing or not doing these things without true spiritual healing inside. Without the supernatural transformation, we may have moral or obedient children, but we don't necessarily have spiritual children."
"So spiritual parenting reminds me that it's not my job to merely control my children's behavior, but rather it is my job to model with authenticity what I have in my relationship with God through Christ." pg. 21
"We need to model how our lives are spiritual in every decision, erasing the divide between sacred and secular." pg 22
"Perhaps the fullest definition of faith is that I have belief and trust in Christ and I possess firm conviction about Him, but I also have made a personal surrender to Him because of these two things. the corresponding behavior of action defines my life.
Now remember taht one of the nonegotiables for spiritual parenting is that it's not my responsibility to control my child's behavior. However, this definition of faith supports that when one posseses a firm conviction and a spersonal surrender, then the corresponding behavior, inspired by the prior two, will follow. Wow! This is where behavior comes in." pg. 23
"Faith is based on a strong belief from a heart of self-surrender." pg. 24
"So often our temptation as parents is to spend all of our time and energy striving to fix their behavior - a process that is not our responsibility." pg 24
So in the things I've read recently I get the theme that we can't control our kids' behavior. I'm finding it difficult to control frustrations and anxiety when their behavior is annoying, disgusting, or unsafe. I get that we need to stop unsafe behavior. Handling of other behaviors without feeling permissive and yet allowing grace and God to work feels confusing and isn't my natural instinct at all.
It's the timing between their behavior and my reaction that I need to breathe and ask the Holy Spirit for wisdom to lead me. I want to calm down. I'm by nature an easy-going person and as a parent of a foster child with some obvious attachment issues, I've felt like I'm losing lots of the person I love in myself. I'm experiencing brokeness and selfishness that I don't like and I am so tired.
Knowing that change does not happen because of our desire for them to change, but by God alone and our dependence on Him to guide us. I need to show myself some grace in this journey or I'm going to drive us all crazy.
Sunday, June 13, 2010
Like JJ
Lately Sarah has been verbalizing how she wants to do things like JJ. She has been quite successful attempting big girl (mostly climbing) things like JJ. She climbs in the car to her seat. She climbs up the stairs. She climbs into her dinner chair. She sits on her knees during dinner (this is not allowed for either of them). She puts lotion on. She applies chapsticks.
We had been telling Sarah that she'd get to wear underwear when she chose to go to the bathroom on the toilet all the time. Tonight, Sarah said she wanted to wear underwear like JJ. I let her wear underwear and told her that it was just for storytime before bed and then I would change her into a night-night diaper. Within 2 minutes she announced, "I peed my pants like JJ." I had to control myself from showing too much of the humor I found in this situation. I did not realize Sarah meant really wear the underwear like JJ, I thought Sarah just meant wear underwear.
We had been telling Sarah that she'd get to wear underwear when she chose to go to the bathroom on the toilet all the time. Tonight, Sarah said she wanted to wear underwear like JJ. I let her wear underwear and told her that it was just for storytime before bed and then I would change her into a night-night diaper. Within 2 minutes she announced, "I peed my pants like JJ." I had to control myself from showing too much of the humor I found in this situation. I did not realize Sarah meant really wear the underwear like JJ, I thought Sarah just meant wear underwear.
Wednesday, June 2, 2010
Treasures Here On Earth
As a parent, I'm learning what my treasures here on earth are. What things do I gasp and make an effort to protect as the little ones are discovering their world? What things would I be upset or bitter about if they were damaged? Do those things really matter? I mean, really?
I think it is important to model a respect for our belongings and especially other people's property. I'm just learning to what extent I'm going to jump around trying to protect or hide objects. We are not in this world for our stuff.
"Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy, and where thieves break in and steal. But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moth and rust do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also." Matthew 6:19 NIV
I think it is important to model a respect for our belongings and especially other people's property. I'm just learning to what extent I'm going to jump around trying to protect or hide objects. We are not in this world for our stuff.
"Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy, and where thieves break in and steal. But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moth and rust do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also." Matthew 6:19 NIV
Let the Crazyness Begin
(This post has taken about a month for me to write)
We had ideas about what we wanted our discipline style to be and what techniques we would use. Sarah was still young but we were already being introduced to her strong-willed nature. We were practicing redirection, giving choices, and lots of positive reinforcement which was working beautifully.
During foster parenting training we were introduced to some techniques for creative discipline with hurting children, reminded of active listening, given examples of how "bad" behavior is often a result of fear, and other helpful information about what we were getting ourselves into. We tried to absorb as much of this information as possible so we could be the best foster parents possible and create a safe, loving environment for children to thrive in.
Enter JJ into the picture. Reality hits. Let the testing begin. I quickly realize what buttons I have for her to push because she is expertly finding them.
I'm trying to actively listen but she has a very small vocabulary and isn't able to express much at all. We are positively reinforcing anything and everything that we could possibly find. We are using appropriate physical touch to make connections and soothe tense situations. We are using time-outs for direct defiance. I begin wishing Super Nanny would fly in and save me, because I am apparently doing something incorrectly. Nothing seems to be working with JJ.
I'm new at foster parenting, so I'm trying not to get too down on myself. One thing that keeps going through my mind is that as a teacher I was able manage 20 kids, some of which seemed to have worse issues than JJ. I was quite successful with maintaining a peaceful learning environment. Why is two children in a home environment not working? My brain starts spinning with what things I could be doing better to help our situation.
I recognize a basic pattern. Here is an example:
Usually this occurs when I am trying to accomplish something (preparing lunch, changing a diaper, trying to get kids from the car to our upstairs apartment).
Our foster agency has been great through all of our struggles. They've observed me and seen JJ in full force (one observation time ended with basically a food fight between JJ and Sarah and the social worker apologizing to me for their guidance that had led to it).
I was informed that:
- on the level of structure in our home 1-10 one social worker would give us a 8.5 or 9.
- my voice tends to go up when giving directions (he said one step below baby talk) and he recommended I try to make it more of an oatmeal level, very bland.
- I just need to be confident in whatever I choose to do and not question myself in the situation (I really want to treat my girls in a loving, fair way and I would like to come as close to perfect as possible, heaven forbid they should be screwed up more because of me)
- I need to take care of me. If my emotions or needs are not being met, then I will not be able to give at my full capacity.
We were reminded of the concept of dysregulation and that JJ's stress levels can be triggered much easier than kids with more stable backgrounds. This was helpful for my husband and I to communicate her dysregulation level at any given moment in order to use distraction and physical touch to try to keep her from freaking out. We have seen a vast improvement with this idea in our minds.
The disregulation scale is helping a lot but we are still working to figure out our parenting philosophy.
We had ideas about what we wanted our discipline style to be and what techniques we would use. Sarah was still young but we were already being introduced to her strong-willed nature. We were practicing redirection, giving choices, and lots of positive reinforcement which was working beautifully.
During foster parenting training we were introduced to some techniques for creative discipline with hurting children, reminded of active listening, given examples of how "bad" behavior is often a result of fear, and other helpful information about what we were getting ourselves into. We tried to absorb as much of this information as possible so we could be the best foster parents possible and create a safe, loving environment for children to thrive in.
Enter JJ into the picture. Reality hits. Let the testing begin. I quickly realize what buttons I have for her to push because she is expertly finding them.
I'm trying to actively listen but she has a very small vocabulary and isn't able to express much at all. We are positively reinforcing anything and everything that we could possibly find. We are using appropriate physical touch to make connections and soothe tense situations. We are using time-outs for direct defiance. I begin wishing Super Nanny would fly in and save me, because I am apparently doing something incorrectly. Nothing seems to be working with JJ.
I'm new at foster parenting, so I'm trying not to get too down on myself. One thing that keeps going through my mind is that as a teacher I was able manage 20 kids, some of which seemed to have worse issues than JJ. I was quite successful with maintaining a peaceful learning environment. Why is two children in a home environment not working? My brain starts spinning with what things I could be doing better to help our situation.
I recognize a basic pattern. Here is an example:
Usually this occurs when I am trying to accomplish something (preparing lunch, changing a diaper, trying to get kids from the car to our upstairs apartment).
- I give a clear direction.
- She ignores.
- I restate the clear direction with a short explanation why or a consequence (time-out or removal of something) if the action isn't completed.
- She does the opposite.
- As I'm stopping what I am doing to follow through with the consequence she starts running around flicking the lights on and off, slamming doors, screaming, (at this point Sarah tends to start doing something which often is prompted by JJ), yelling, "Doodie Head!" and trying to hide.
- The attempt at time-out begins. I've tried the Super Nanny stone-face, no talking or reactions technique while placing JJ back on time-out. I also need to manage Sarah while all of this is happening. It ends up feeling like a battle of the wills.
- Trying to maintain a calm exterior, I find myself reaching an attitude of indifference towards JJ.
- I feel guilty for my attitude.
Our foster agency has been great through all of our struggles. They've observed me and seen JJ in full force (one observation time ended with basically a food fight between JJ and Sarah and the social worker apologizing to me for their guidance that had led to it).
I was informed that:
- on the level of structure in our home 1-10 one social worker would give us a 8.5 or 9.
- my voice tends to go up when giving directions (he said one step below baby talk) and he recommended I try to make it more of an oatmeal level, very bland.
- I just need to be confident in whatever I choose to do and not question myself in the situation (I really want to treat my girls in a loving, fair way and I would like to come as close to perfect as possible, heaven forbid they should be screwed up more because of me)
- I need to take care of me. If my emotions or needs are not being met, then I will not be able to give at my full capacity.
We were reminded of the concept of dysregulation and that JJ's stress levels can be triggered much easier than kids with more stable backgrounds. This was helpful for my husband and I to communicate her dysregulation level at any given moment in order to use distraction and physical touch to try to keep her from freaking out. We have seen a vast improvement with this idea in our minds.
The disregulation scale is helping a lot but we are still working to figure out our parenting philosophy.
Saturday, May 22, 2010
We Will Love You Even If
We Will Love You Even If:
- you pull all your sheets off your bed when we ask you to make it
- you kick or put your feet on the back of our seat in the car
- you lie to us
- you yell, "I hate you!"
- you turn the lights on and off
- you slam the door
- you push the table away (into others) when you are unhappy
- you pee on the carpet
- you smear feces on the wall
- you pull all of our books off the shelf
- you cough and sneeze in our face
- you kick the wall
- you go slow just to make us late
- Sarah starts copying you
- Sarah starts slurring her words
- Sarah adds "y" to the end of all her nouns (drinky, shirty, etc)
- Sarah starts using inappropriate language
Friday, May 14, 2010
Meeting JJ
One Wednesday, I went to my mommy group at church. That week I had been fighting the urge to call the FFA to see if they remembered us. As I was sitting listening to the speaker my mind took a tangent and I continued my conversation with God about waiting to be foster parents and why the wait. I thought of the restrictions that I had given about what age girl we would take - 4 to 7-years-old. The reasons I said those ages were: I didn't want someone too old sharing a room with Sarah (safety concern), I didn't want to deal with all the time requirements of a baby, I didn't want to worry too much with potty training or have two kids in diapers, and I liked the idea of having a kid that gets to go to school. Most of the reasons were for pure easiness. I wanted to choose what seemed easiest knowing that things would be tricky to begin with. I wanted some control and wanted the least amount of fears involved. I made the decision to talk to Jonathan (my hubby) about telling the FFA we would take babies - 7. I let go of the control I wanted to have and decided I needed to trust God knowing that whatever child we find ourselves living with it will be by His grace, wisdom, and strength that we will get through (not because I found the easiest way). I, then, refocused on the speaker :~).
As I was driving home from the mommy group, I got a call from our FFA saying they had a girl that they thought would be a good match. That placement fell through but the placement worker still came out and met me and saw our apartment. That requirement was completed so they wouldn't need to do that step if there was another child that they wanted to place with us. The placement worker asked me about if I would be willing to take younger kids and possibly a boy 3 or younger. I said I would be willing.
The next week we were called to see if we would meet a 3 (almost 4)-year-old JJ and take her by the end of the week. We met her at a mall with a social worker. She was beautiful and tall for her age (which we actually didn't know her age at the time because there was some confusion about that). Her biracial (European and African) curly hair was pulled back into a pony tail. She already started calling Jonathan, "Daddy." This was interesting to note because from our understanding she didn't know why we were meeting her. We later found out she uses the terms Daddy and Mommy with many people.
We agreed to take JJ. I researched haircare and prepared ourselves and Sarah for the new edition. She came 2 days later.
As I was driving home from the mommy group, I got a call from our FFA saying they had a girl that they thought would be a good match. That placement fell through but the placement worker still came out and met me and saw our apartment. That requirement was completed so they wouldn't need to do that step if there was another child that they wanted to place with us. The placement worker asked me about if I would be willing to take younger kids and possibly a boy 3 or younger. I said I would be willing.
The next week we were called to see if we would meet a 3 (almost 4)-year-old JJ and take her by the end of the week. We met her at a mall with a social worker. She was beautiful and tall for her age (which we actually didn't know her age at the time because there was some confusion about that). Her biracial (European and African) curly hair was pulled back into a pony tail. She already started calling Jonathan, "Daddy." This was interesting to note because from our understanding she didn't know why we were meeting her. We later found out she uses the terms Daddy and Mommy with many people.
We agreed to take JJ. I researched haircare and prepared ourselves and Sarah for the new edition. She came 2 days later.
Training and then Waiting
I quite enjoyed our training. The owner of our FFA (he runs the place, do FFAs have owners?) came to our house once a week (maybe once every two weeks) for a few months and went over packets of information and discussed required audio and video homework. We really felt comfortable with him and trusted his insight into what type of family we were and what kids might be a good match for us.
We got our apartment fixed-up to meet requirements and filled out all the paperwork. We became certified in October. Then we waited. We knew that if we didn't get a little girl before the beginning of November they wouldn't place anyone with us until we returned from our trip to South Africa over Christmas and the New Year.
We came back from our trip and waited. I was tempted to call the agency and let them know we were home now and available. I knew they knew though. I practiced patience and enjoyed my time with Sarah. As the waiting went on I realized how much I enjoyed my one-on-one time with Sarah and started to pray more specifically for the changes that would occur when someone else joined our family and that we both would be prepared.
I started to only randomly think about the possibility that at any moment we could be called and our life would be turned upside down. It was no longer in the forefront of my mind like it was right after we were certified.
I found it interesting which of our acquaintances would remember and ask us if we were still going to foster. Some people were really concerned about Sarah's safety and questioned our thoughtfulness towards her in our decision making. Jonathan and I discussed many times our concerns for Sarah and how it would affect her. Anytime I started to become anxious I would left those thoughts to God and continually received a peace in our decision and yet a realistic understanding that this wasn't going to be easy and that Sarah would definitely be affect but hopefully for the better.
We got our apartment fixed-up to meet requirements and filled out all the paperwork. We became certified in October. Then we waited. We knew that if we didn't get a little girl before the beginning of November they wouldn't place anyone with us until we returned from our trip to South Africa over Christmas and the New Year.
We came back from our trip and waited. I was tempted to call the agency and let them know we were home now and available. I knew they knew though. I practiced patience and enjoyed my time with Sarah. As the waiting went on I realized how much I enjoyed my one-on-one time with Sarah and started to pray more specifically for the changes that would occur when someone else joined our family and that we both would be prepared.
I started to only randomly think about the possibility that at any moment we could be called and our life would be turned upside down. It was no longer in the forefront of my mind like it was right after we were certified.
I found it interesting which of our acquaintances would remember and ask us if we were still going to foster. Some people were really concerned about Sarah's safety and questioned our thoughtfulness towards her in our decision making. Jonathan and I discussed many times our concerns for Sarah and how it would affect her. Anytime I started to become anxious I would left those thoughts to God and continually received a peace in our decision and yet a realistic understanding that this wasn't going to be easy and that Sarah would definitely be affect but hopefully for the better.
Tuesday, May 4, 2010
Our Journey to Foster Parenting
It all began, from what I remember, during my second full-time year of teaching back in fall 2004 when I had "that student" in my class. "Oh, that student," as teachers would say, means one of those students that is known for their behavior issues and most teachers dread having them in their class because of all the extra classroom management issues that will arise. I'll admit that one semester of teaching was my most challenging and yet most memorable. My classroom management skills were so refined by the end of that semester it was so helpful for future years.
One of my big motivations/realizations as a teacher was that for a whole school year I was a constant in 20 students lives. I had no control of their homelife but I knew that I could possibly be their refuge away from home and a place to thrive, grow in character, and learn to think. The song "Family Portrait" by Pink was something I would listen to to remind me of where some of my students may be coming from. I tried to be a place of peace and a reflection of the love of Christ (without even speaking His name since I was in the public school system) to these students and their parents.
How does that tie in to foster parenting? "The student" had serious issues. He would get angry and hit his head on the wall. His parents were separated and his father had been in and out of jail. My heart just broke for this kid. I found myself often wondering what he would be like if he wasn't in his home environment. Not that I had any evidence of parental wrong-doing worthy of a call to Child Protective Services, I could just tell things weren't good. I found myself wondering what he would be like if I could take him home for 6 months (not that I had any realistic idea of how to parent back then but that is what I thought). He moved after one semester and other teachers commented to me about how he was so much calmer and enjoyable to be around since being in my class. I tucked that affirmation away in the back of my mind knowing that I saw truth in that and realizing it as a strength in me.
Around 2005 or 2006 I was walking through the hall of my church where they use it as sort of an art gallery to allow people to worship God through artistic expression or the leadership would purposefully display things to inspire or draw us closer to the heart of Jesus. This particular week they had beautiful pictures of students in the adoption system that had been waiting to be adopted. I was reading the descriptions of these children and trying to fathom what it must be like for them. One common statement in each of the descriptions said something along the lines of, "[insert child's name] needs a family with patience and love to handle their special needs." As I read these descriptions their was a stirring within me, that I have come to know as the Holy Spirit, seeming to prompt, "You could do that." I also sort of heard, "Put your money where your mouth is," in regards to me often wondering what students in my class would be like if I took them home. I tried rationalize why that prompting wasn't true but found myself telling my husband of the idea and that it might be something we should pray about. My hubby also discussed with me about how we weren't in the right place in life to do that.
Fast forward a few years to when my husband started to read through the new testament of the Bible focusing only on the words of Jesus. From that experience he was overwhelmed by how often Jesus says to care for the widows and orphans. So he started to say that maybe we should seriously pray about doing something to obey Jesus' words.
At some point I got connected with a foster agency and started to tutor two sisters and their brother. I tutored them while they were in their foster home and for about a year after while they were back with their biological mom. I loved those kids.
My husband and I discussed whether we should just adopt or foster kids instead of having any of our own. We thought, "Why produce more children if there are plenty already around that need homes?" We decided that we want to have atleast one biological child to see what our DNA would create (that was our fun reason). We also wanted to know what that love is that parents experience with a blood of my blood child so that we could know what we would be trying to experience with foster or adopted children.
We welcomed Sarah into our family in July of 2008 after 9 months of talking to her and praying over her in my tummy. I survived one of my biggest life fears . . . childbirth. There were some interesting possible health issues that we dealt with for the first 13 months of her life (if you are curious I documented that on another blog). Around when Sarah turned a year old we started the process of becoming certified as foster parents.
We chose foster parenting instead of adopting because it seemed like while we were looking into the causes involved with orphans many people were willing to adopt but not many liked the idea of needing to give a child back to possibly crappy parents after they had bonded and spent so much energy on a child. We feel like foster kids deserve a loving environment during this confusing and difficult time of their life. We know that these kids will have issues and we will do the best we can to protect Sarah and any other biological kids that we have but we also know that God is good and He loves all these children.
One of my big motivations/realizations as a teacher was that for a whole school year I was a constant in 20 students lives. I had no control of their homelife but I knew that I could possibly be their refuge away from home and a place to thrive, grow in character, and learn to think. The song "Family Portrait" by Pink was something I would listen to to remind me of where some of my students may be coming from. I tried to be a place of peace and a reflection of the love of Christ (without even speaking His name since I was in the public school system) to these students and their parents.
How does that tie in to foster parenting? "The student" had serious issues. He would get angry and hit his head on the wall. His parents were separated and his father had been in and out of jail. My heart just broke for this kid. I found myself often wondering what he would be like if he wasn't in his home environment. Not that I had any evidence of parental wrong-doing worthy of a call to Child Protective Services, I could just tell things weren't good. I found myself wondering what he would be like if I could take him home for 6 months (not that I had any realistic idea of how to parent back then but that is what I thought). He moved after one semester and other teachers commented to me about how he was so much calmer and enjoyable to be around since being in my class. I tucked that affirmation away in the back of my mind knowing that I saw truth in that and realizing it as a strength in me.
Around 2005 or 2006 I was walking through the hall of my church where they use it as sort of an art gallery to allow people to worship God through artistic expression or the leadership would purposefully display things to inspire or draw us closer to the heart of Jesus. This particular week they had beautiful pictures of students in the adoption system that had been waiting to be adopted. I was reading the descriptions of these children and trying to fathom what it must be like for them. One common statement in each of the descriptions said something along the lines of, "[insert child's name] needs a family with patience and love to handle their special needs." As I read these descriptions their was a stirring within me, that I have come to know as the Holy Spirit, seeming to prompt, "You could do that." I also sort of heard, "Put your money where your mouth is," in regards to me often wondering what students in my class would be like if I took them home. I tried rationalize why that prompting wasn't true but found myself telling my husband of the idea and that it might be something we should pray about. My hubby also discussed with me about how we weren't in the right place in life to do that.
Fast forward a few years to when my husband started to read through the new testament of the Bible focusing only on the words of Jesus. From that experience he was overwhelmed by how often Jesus says to care for the widows and orphans. So he started to say that maybe we should seriously pray about doing something to obey Jesus' words.
At some point I got connected with a foster agency and started to tutor two sisters and their brother. I tutored them while they were in their foster home and for about a year after while they were back with their biological mom. I loved those kids.
My husband and I discussed whether we should just adopt or foster kids instead of having any of our own. We thought, "Why produce more children if there are plenty already around that need homes?" We decided that we want to have atleast one biological child to see what our DNA would create (that was our fun reason). We also wanted to know what that love is that parents experience with a blood of my blood child so that we could know what we would be trying to experience with foster or adopted children.
We welcomed Sarah into our family in July of 2008 after 9 months of talking to her and praying over her in my tummy. I survived one of my biggest life fears . . . childbirth. There were some interesting possible health issues that we dealt with for the first 13 months of her life (if you are curious I documented that on another blog). Around when Sarah turned a year old we started the process of becoming certified as foster parents.
We chose foster parenting instead of adopting because it seemed like while we were looking into the causes involved with orphans many people were willing to adopt but not many liked the idea of needing to give a child back to possibly crappy parents after they had bonded and spent so much energy on a child. We feel like foster kids deserve a loving environment during this confusing and difficult time of their life. We know that these kids will have issues and we will do the best we can to protect Sarah and any other biological kids that we have but we also know that God is good and He loves all these children.
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