Treasures Here On Earth

As a parent, I'm learning what my treasures here on earth are.  What things do I gasp and make an effort to protect as the little ones are discovering their world?  What things would I be upset or bitter about if they were damaged?  Do those things really matter?  I mean, really?

I think it is important to model a respect for our belongings and especially other people's property.  I'm just learning to what extent I'm going to jump around trying to protect or hide objects.  We are not in this world for our stuff.  

"Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy, and where thieves break in and steal. But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moth and rust do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also."  Matthew 6:19 NIV

Let the Crazyness Begin

(This post has taken about a month for me to write)

We had ideas about what we wanted our discipline style to be and what techniques we would use.  Sarah was still young but we were already being introduced to her strong-willed nature.  We were practicing redirection, giving choices, and lots of positive reinforcement which was working beautifully.

During foster parenting training we were introduced to some techniques for creative discipline with hurting children, reminded of active listening, given examples of how "bad" behavior is often a result of fear, and other helpful information about what we were getting ourselves into.  We tried to absorb as much of this information as possible so we could be the best foster parents possible and create a safe, loving environment for children to thrive in.

Enter JJ into the picture.  Reality hits.  Let the testing begin.  I quickly realize what buttons I have for her to push because she is expertly finding them. 

I'm trying to actively listen but she has a very small vocabulary and isn't able to express much at all.  We are positively reinforcing anything and everything that we could possibly find.  We are using appropriate physical touch to make connections and soothe tense situations.  We are using time-outs for direct defiance.  I begin wishing Super Nanny would fly in and save me, because I am apparently doing something incorrectly.  Nothing seems to be working with JJ.

I'm new at foster parenting, so I'm trying not to get too down on myself.  One thing that keeps going through my mind is that as a teacher I was able manage 20 kids, some of which seemed to have worse issues than JJ.  I was quite successful with maintaining a peaceful learning environment.  Why is two children in a home environment not working?  My brain starts spinning with what things I could be doing better to help our situation.

I recognize a basic pattern.  Here is an example:
Usually this occurs when I am trying to accomplish something (preparing lunch, changing a diaper, trying to get kids from the car to our upstairs apartment).

• I give a clear direction.   
• She ignores.
• I restate the clear direction with a short explanation why or a consequence (time-out or removal of something) if the action isn't completed.
• She does the opposite.
• As I'm stopping what I am doing to follow through with the consequence she starts running around flicking the lights on and off, slamming doors, screaming, (at this point Sarah tends to start doing something which often is prompted by JJ), yelling, "Doodie Head!" and trying to hide.
• The attempt at time-out begins.  I've tried the Super Nanny stone-face, no talking or reactions technique while placing JJ back on time-out.  I also need to manage Sarah while all of this is happening.  It ends up feeling like a battle of the wills.
• Trying to maintain a calm exterior, I find myself reaching an attitude of indifference towards JJ. 
• I feel guilty for my attitude. 

I want my home to be a place of peace not a place where we need to constantly be on guard for the next battle that may occur.   

Our foster agency has been great through all of our struggles.  They've observed me and seen JJ in full force (one observation time ended with basically a food fight between JJ and Sarah and the social worker apologizing to me for their guidance that had led to it). 

I was informed that:
- on the level of structure in our home 1-10 one social worker would give us a 8.5 or 9. 
- my voice tends to go up when giving directions (he said one step below baby talk) and he recommended I try to make it more of an oatmeal level, very bland.
- I just need to be confident in whatever I choose to do and not question myself in the situation (I really want to treat my girls in a loving, fair way and I would like to come as close to perfect as possible, heaven forbid they should be screwed up more because of me)
- I need to take care of me.  If my emotions or needs are not being met, then I will not be able to give at my full capacity. 

We were reminded of the concept of dysregulation and that JJ's stress levels can be triggered much easier than kids with more stable backgrounds. This was helpful for my husband and I to communicate her dysregulation level at any given moment in order to use distraction and physical touch to try to keep her from freaking out. We have seen a vast improvement with this idea in our minds.

The disregulation scale is helping a lot but we are still working to figure out our parenting philosophy.