Jonathan and I are constantly discussing how we can improve with our interaction with JJ. We discuss our hearts and our struggles and speculate what are the hidden reasons for JJ's actions.
Disciplining while maintaining a feeling of unconditional love is really tricky.
We don't feel like we are doing a very good job.
We are really struggling with unconditional love. It doesn't come naturally. We must not be tapping into the source well enough.
Sarah has been the best at the unconditional love as seen in the cracker incident. My mom pointed out that might be why JJ hasn't really hurt her yet. Although we have noticed some violent actions towards Sarah lately and I realized Sarah has been acting more stressed and annoyed by JJ recently. I often hear Sarah yell, "No talk a me!" when she gets overwhelmed by JJ.
Anyways, we want JJ to feel unconditionally loved. That's why we got into foster parenting in the first place. We want to provide a safe and loving environment to a child during their time of need and confusion.
Basically she will do the opposite of what I ask pretty much all the time. She seems to like to live in the constant battle/testing state. Even when we try to have fun and play she will try to disrupt it in some way so that we can no longer continue with our planned activity. She will do everything in her power to require a time out so she can not sit on time-out and watch me slowly reach my breaking point as the day goes on.
People say, "Pick your battles." Which sounds great but then JJ just seems to escalate until I need to discipline her.
I love to joke and have fun. I don't feel like I can do that with JJ. She will become a bubble of nonsense and spastic actions. It becomes no fun very quickly. I have gotten to the place where I fear what will happen if I try. So, sadly, my behavior is different with each girl. I'm more excited to interact with Sarah because it will have meaning and often be funny. I've had a difficult time finding activities that JJ and I can do that allow us to share any special or memorable time.
I have found that there is a vicious cycle. If I try to engage in some conversation and it often becomes her just repeating herself or my question. JJ will be loud or talking nonsense or sabotaging an activity and then my tendency is to ignore her. She wants attention so then she does things that require negative attention. I guess I just can't figure out how to interact with her.
Jonathan and I discussed just giving in to whatever JJ wants to try to eliminate any type of battle situation. We do not want to do that with Sarah though. We discussed treating them totally differently and seeing how JJ reacts to Sarah being held to a higher standard. We think this would not be helpful because she would just escalate things more and probably become violent towards Sarah because she knows we will react to that.
We decided on forcing ourselves to not ignore her. She talks A LOT and doesn't always make any sense so this will be interesting. This will mean that I will be very intentional about my time so that I am playing more and trying to have fun. Dammit, we will have fun! I will figure out a way. She likes to skip holding hands with me. She likes to dance (sometimes). I can try, again, to practice gymnastics with her. When she does start making nonsense I can say, "I don't understand what you are trying to say so I'm having a hard time thinking of a way to respond. I'll just listen to you." I will practice a technique we tried in the past that seemed to work some: when she is getting spastic, we ask her if she wants a hug.
I will need to keep my stress level down. I will need to make sure I am not taking things as a personal attack although I know she does things just to make me angry. I need to make sure I model excellent anger management. My anger shows itself not usually with a loud voice but more with sarcasm and rude responses. Oh and it's hard to hide my thoughts when it comes to my facial expressions. (Like, today at the park, when, I'm pretty sure, JJ's nose dripped watery snot down my arm and I tried to wipe the look of pure disgust off my face. She even asked, "Why you look like that?")
I was trying to think of a simple saying to separate my irritation from her attempts to anger me. At first I was trying to think of something funny and Jonathan asked why it couldn't be something to help me realize how truly sad the struggle is for JJ. I've decided on, "She has never had a bed before." This is not true of JJ but it is just twisting the line from the movie The Blind Side that can make me bawl even if I'm just watching the trailer.
It's to remind me that she isn't accustomed to "normal" attention and interaction.
Personality Note:
I don't like drama. When people create drama, I tend to remove myself from any circumstances that would involve me needing to respond to the drama. I have been known to avoid people that I deem to be drama creators in my life. I will be friendly and try to stay at peace with them but that is accomplished because I limit my involvement with them. I'm fighting my nature here.
