Sabotage

Daddy and husband again:

I may not have this completely accurate, but here's how it is in my brain. Attachment is real. It sure seems to me that it's a miracle of creation that when Sarah was born, I longed to hold her for hours and stare into her eyes. Attachment. And here's the nutty thing: all my staring was wiring synapses in her brain that her emotions needed to function as God intended. Kids who don't get that attachment, can't get it back. It's a small window, and after the window closes, the synapses can't be connected. Crazy!

My first thought is: How could God allow kids to go through life without attachment?
But my answer comes back: He didn't intend it that way. He intended for all children to receive the needed attachment from their parents. And when he renews the Earth and brings back shalom and Eden, that's how things will happen for eternity.

But for now, on this side of God's shalom, some kids have attachment issues. Call it RAD. Call it ADD. Call it ADHD. Call it Bombaloo. Call it whatever you'd like, but it's real.

It's what causes our little girl to spaz her head about all twitchy for a few seconds like she got shocked by 1,000 amps of electricity. I don't think I could make my body move that way if I tried. She does it for attention. She so desperately longs to fill that attachment void that she'll do anything to lock on to pure love and she sabotages herself in the process.

Simple example: JJ's hula hooping in the living room, so I lean my chin on my hand and watch her, putting my most adoring facial expression on. She notices me looking at her, and all normal hula-hooping stops. Hoop falls.

"Why are you looking at me, Daddy?" She's fishing for my words. She knows why I'm looking at her.

"Because I love watching you hula hoop."

"Why?"

"Because I love you."

Her eyes lock mine for a moment. Then she flails the hula hoop around her body. Another look at me. She falls to the ground. Another look at me. She stands back up and flails the hoop to where it's smacking herself in the head. Hysterical laughter insues. Stumbling to the carpet.

See, she has my pure adoration, and she longs to keep it forever. But she doesn't know how. And she thinks she can lose it. She thinks that if my eyes leave her, then so has my love. So she goofs off and acts up to keep my love. Which spurs natural reactions in me to not love her. Which spurs more goofing off. Which spurs more reactions to not love her.

It's that attachment void again. Because she didn't get it when she needed it, she might spend the rest of her life searching for it, and the methods she uses to earn attachment will only drive it further away.

God, give me unconditional grace. Incarnational. The kind of love that steps in to her void even when I won't get anything in return.

Modeling God's Love and Discipline

Husband and Daddy here again:

Let's start this off with a few things that I have learned to strive for in my parenting:

(1) My children to see a model of God's love and discipline through my actions and words.
(2) To be filled with grace and truth and have the wisdom to know which to use and when.
(3) My actions and words to be so much like God's that the more they are drawn to my love, the more they are drawn to his.

This has led to a few Ah-Ha truths.

(1) Some instances require truth and discipline, while others require grace and talking.
(2) With all instances, the goal is to get the child to open up her heart and emotions and even talk about it. This is much more likely to happen when circumstances are handled with complete grace and nothing that JJ might see as punishment.
(3) JJ will do things because she believes something false about herself, and any discipline she receives for that behavior only reinforces in her brain that the falsehood is once again true. This cycle must be broken creatively, firmly, and lovingly.
(4) JJ's discipline and Sarah's discipline might look different and that's still fair. After all, God's word says to "train a child in the way SHE should go, and when she is old, she will not depart from it." There will be times when the fairest discipline might mean different consequences. It might even look like JJ getting grace and Sarah getting truth.

Their hearts are the goal. I want to model that with my heart and lead them into their own. I can't do that unless I love them like God does. And here's the really sucky part: some people still don't let God into their hearts. Translation: even if I love them like God loves us, they still might not let me in.

All I can do is try.

Sincerely,
More selfish than he realized.

The Holy Spirit

Like Lisa, I (husband and daddy) have been on a journey of learning to love. It ain't natural for me. I'm continuously amazed at how much God loves the unlovables of the world, those people that can be so difficult to love that the rest of humanity gives up on them. These are the ones who often aren't able to love back, but deep down, they're the ones who need it the most. And they sabotage themselves. They are their own worst enemy.

But the more I push myself to love, the more my heart actually loves. It's amazing. And I've been learning to pray for her. Honest, heartfelt, loving prayer.

JJ had a great day that finished terribly. She went completely Bombaloo. Later, when she was lying in bed and our bio-daughter was watching her sight words video before bed, I was staring at the bedroom monitor and began praying for Jenna. Halfway through my prayer, I really wanted to hear from God, so I asked him to manifest himself.

JJ had worked herself up and was 3/4 of the way down her bed, lying sideways beside her comforter, pillows on the floor, bedsheet crumpled up. I prayed that God's Spirit would come down on her and give her peace, that she would feel safety and love and pride and belonging. Then I asked God to show me proof of her feeling his peace.

"God," I asked, "if she's feeling your peace, have her roll toward the monitor and relax her propped-up knees. God give her peace, give her peace." A moment later, she rolled over and relaxed.

"God, help her to feel how much we love her, complete and unconditional love, safety, care. And when your Spirit is coming down on her, have her say, 'I love you, Jonathan.'" In a breathy solid voice, she said, "I love you, Jonathan."

"God, help her to feel how much we love her, complete and unconditional love, safety, care. And when your Spirit is coming down on her, have her say, 'I love you, Lisa.'" In a breathy solid voice, she said, "I love you, Lisa."

Then once more I prayed that she feel complete peace and belonging and home. I asked God that when his Spirit brings that on her that she would roll on her side and put her knees down again and go to sleep. She did all of it.

I couldn't believe it. I just wanted to keep praying for her. Very few times in my life has God's presence and activity manifested itself so vividly and immediately.

May he get all the glory through our lives and love.

It's About Time!

I (finally) got a call today from the place where JJ will get therapy.  Apparently she got lost in the system somehow.  I look forward to tomorrow when we will meet the therapist (yeah) and I will be filling out paperwork (bummer).  The social worker shared the irony that she has another child that doesn't totally need therapy and it only took 2 weeks to process and the request for JJ took 2 months and she really needs it.

Ah . . . I know it won't work miracles but I hope it will help us learn about the real JJ and get past the protective barrier she has put up.