I Crash Cars

Hello, my name is Lisa and I crash cars.

I haven't always crashed cars.

Before June 9, 2010, I had a perfect driving record (there was that time, when I was pregnant and I rolled my car into our dear friends car while they were sitting in it but there was no damage so I don't count that except enough to mention it because I think it's good to be as honest as possible - I don't think they count it either though).

On June 9th I crashed into my brother's car.  I was driving up to my parents' house to pick up the family to drive them to the airport and I had my girls with me.  I coasted into their street.  I was thinking I would park in the driveway but decided that wouldn't give us much room to load the bags in the car so I redirected my van to park it in front of the driveway behind my brother's car.  I was thinking I would just reverse my car a little to straighten it out (because I am an anal retentive parker and I wanted to park parallel to the driveway).

My next thoughts went something like this, "Ah, I'm going forward fast! I hit Steve's car! Holy crap! His car is so bashed in and it's still rolling. Please stop rolling.  Do I need to get out and try to stop it?"  Thankfully the car stopped rolling.  Knowing they had a plane to catch and I just screwed up majorly, I jumped out of the car and ran into the house (yes, I left the girls in the car without saying a word to them because I was a slight basket case).

My brother was in the front room as I entered and declared, "Oh my gosh, Steve, I'm so sorry. I just crashed your car."  I was beginning to cry and flap my hands (yeah, I do that when I am both super happy or emotional).  He gave me a hug and said it was ok (tender moment).  He hadn't seen the car.  He asked where the girls were and that's when I remembered them (great mothering moment).

We went out to see the girls and assess the damage.  Steve saw his car and asked, "How fast were you going?!"  I opened the sliding door of the van and the girls just stared and calmly asked what happened.  We got the girls out and we all inspected the scene.  JJ kept asking why I did that.  "You crashed Steve's car."

We were all fine.  Our swagger wagon was barely damaged but my brother's Nissan Sentra looked like crap (it turns out I totaled his car).  We figure instead of hitting the brake before switching my car in reverse to park perfectly, I hit the gas and parked horrifically.

My brother mentioned that I'm like one of those elderly people that crashes into open markets and kills people (NOT tender moment).  That thought has sort of tormented me ever since (I'm not blaming Steve, I thought the same thing when it was mentioned that I must have hit the gas instead.).  I feared hitting people with my car even before all of this but there is just more of a reality that I am humanly capable.

The girls remind me of my driving faux pas often still to this day.
JJ - "Don't crash!" "You crash Steve's car?" "Why you crash Steve's car?"
Sarah - we were buckling her in to her carseat and someone asked, "What happens next?" and she replied, "We crash"  (that was not the answer they were expecting). Sarah often makes her toys crash and she will physically reenact the crash.
At least they are coping verbally :~).


Fast forward to late July.  It's a Tuesday night, Lisa's night, Jonathan watches the girls so I can spend time with friends or do whatever I want to relax.  I was running late to meet a friend (same friend who's car I bumped into when I was pregnant) at a coffee shop.  I backed out angled instead of straight, forgetting the carport pole on the passenger side of the Saturn.  It rips a chunk of plastic off above the tire exposing the metal frame underneath.  Luckily there was barely any damage to the carport pole and it did not collapse (as I feared after I realized what I had just done).  That's how the Saturn got the name Scarface.  


I've seriously contemplated using public transportation considering my unpredictable driving ability lately.  Sadly all we have are buses in our area and they are not cost effective for more than one person that already has a car.

My mom says that this is something that can happen while driving under the influence of small children.

Cars are scary and powerful.  I've known that for many years.  It's one thing to mentally know you are capable of something and another to have physical (embarrassing) proof of what I am capable of.  I've tried to really clear my mind of distractions while driving.  God, protect us and those around me.

My wise husband reminded me (as I was joking about my sucky driving ability) that my identity is not based by my past mistakes.  I am forgiven.  I should live in that freedom.  He had me choose a day when I would no longer label myself based on my recent driving record.  I should be aware of my weaknesses but not dwell in them.

Hello, my name is Lisa, and I am redeemed.

"For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind."  2 Timothy 1:7

What a Hypocrite I am . . .

Modeling good behavior is one of the best ways to parent.  I've realized some of my hypocritical ways during my daily interactions with the girls.  Do what I say, not what I do.  There is guilt.  I'm making efforts to remedy many of these when I realize it.
 

I eat a chocolate chip FiberOne Bar for breakfast.

I don't always make my bed.

I don't always flush the toilet (you know, when it's just pee, to save water).

I use more than six squares of toilet paper at a time.

I put my feet up on the coffee table.

I don't always say, "Please."

I don't always say, "Thank you."

I scratch my arms (poor Sarah got eczema on her elbow pits like me).

I eat cookies whenever I want. (This is why I try not to have sweets in the house too often.)

I grab things out of the girl's hands without asking if I really don't want them touching it or I don't want to play keep away. 

I often throw my clothes on the floor before bed (cuz, ya know, I might wear them again).





What things do you do?

My Big Sister!

Sarah got to go to JJ's chapel time during preschool.  Sarah was in the front row.  JJ was a few rows behind her, and I was a few rows behind JJ.  At one point Sarah turned around on her knees, pointed at JJ, and yelled, "That's my big sister!"

I wonder how much of this experience Sarah will remember.  There are moments that are beautiful.

Fun Summer!

We got to go to the zoo.

We got to ride in the caboose of the Disneyland train. (Yes, I had JJ wear Sarah's doggy backpack with a leash.  When I tried without, to see if it was necessary, JJ ran. I had to chase.)

JJ waiting in line.

Sarah waiting in line.

Camping

They got the giggles.  It was so cute.

We had a great picture of all three of them laughing.

Deer walked through our campground.

Smelling the flowers.  There is a smile behind there :~)

Phillip the Hyper-Hypo

Many times throughout each day JJ will tempt Sarah to make bad choices.  I know kids do this.  It's normal.  I also know that the intention behind JJ doing it is to irritate me.  I'm not supposed to take things personally but it is pretty obvious that making me sad or upset is a big motivator.  Tempting Sarah is a huge button of mine that she has to push and she knows it. 

The line that tends to go through my head during these times is not the most helpful in keeping me regulated.  It is from the Saturday Night Live sketch with Mike Myers and Nicole Kidman entitled Phillip, the Hyper-Hypo.  Near the end of the sketch Grace offers Phillip a candy bar and Mike Myers says, "You're the devil." 

JJ in all her beauty tempts so much that is difficult not to draw the connection to the sneaky evil in this world.  As I type this the words, "that can so easily entangle us," are going through my mind and I looked it up.  It's from Hebrews 12:1:

Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart.(NIV)

 Jesus, help me to finish strong and love JJ the way You first loved me. God, help me to see JJ for who you created her to be.

Today was . . .

Fun.

Today went well.

We had fun . . . picking up toys.  I know crazy, right.  My spur of the moment idea seemed to work well with JJ (not so much Sarah).  The idea was that we were pretending to be squirrels collecting nuts for the winter. I don't know if squirrels do that and I don't care because the blocks were the biggest mess and it worked perfectly.  We gave squirrel high fives as we went, made noises with our mouths, and when it was almost all cleaned up we stopped for dessert, Turtle Tracks ice cream, which has nuts in it.  Added fun!

At one point during the day JJ started spitting in my mom's car.  I reminded her that it wasn't a very kind choice and asked her to please stop, which, as usual, didn't matter to her.  At that point I just started asking her about the color of things and redirected her attention away from spitting.

During dinner preparation JJ kept going in the back room while Sarah was playing there which is not allowed ever since the incident, that I just call the incident.  I did the 1, 2, 3, Magic counting after quickly chasing her out each time.  Since time-out is usually in the girls' bedroom were Sarah was peacefully playing with her dolly, I chose to have JJ do time-out in a chair in front of the pantry near the entry of the kitchen.  This was about 3 feet from where I was peeling potatoes so I just talked to her the whole time (while she wailed).  I narrated my potato peeling process.  I talked about how a friend had just called me from Alabama and started listing all the names of states I could think of and any connection we had with that state.  I talked the whole time with a smile on my face (not giant Joker style but at least an upturned mouth) as though she really cared.  She didn't get off time-out once.  A few times she stopped crying confused at why I was still talking.  It was quite entertaining for me to keep my mind engaged in something other than frustration that could have built up.


She did start the day with a time-out that she refused to do until the last available few minutes before preschool. JJ was making a bridge with her body between the couch and the coffee table (which I allowed and chose not to battle over that).  Sarah tried to copy but her body didn't seem long enough at first.  After a few attempts and repositioning, Sarah was able to do it and was so proud!  JJ pushed her stomach down making her fall and ruining the tandem fun.  (Dude, random connection, Tandem Ice Cream bars were good.  Are they still around?)  You hit, you sit.      

I ended her day tickling her arm while she watched a numbers video before bed.  She really likes that.

There are other things that happened (obviously).  It was a good day.

My Challenge to Myself

Jonathan and I are constantly discussing how we can improve with our interaction with JJ.  We discuss our hearts and our struggles and speculate what are the hidden reasons for JJ's actions.

Disciplining while maintaining a feeling of unconditional love is really tricky.

We don't feel like we are doing a very good job.

We are really struggling with unconditional love.  It doesn't come naturally.  We must not be tapping into the source well enough.

Sarah has been the best at the unconditional love as seen in the cracker incident.  My mom pointed out that might be why JJ hasn't really hurt her yet.  Although we have noticed some violent actions towards Sarah lately and I realized Sarah has been acting more stressed and annoyed by JJ recently.  I often hear Sarah yell, "No talk a me!" when she gets overwhelmed by JJ.

Anyways, we want JJ to feel unconditionally loved.  That's why we got into foster parenting in the first place.  We want to provide a safe and loving environment to a child during their time of need and confusion.

Basically she will do the opposite of what I ask pretty much all the time.  She seems to like to live in the constant battle/testing state.  Even when we try to have fun and play she will try to disrupt it in some way so that we can no longer continue with our planned activity.  She will do everything in her power to require a time out so she can not sit on time-out and watch me slowly reach my breaking point as the day goes on.  

People say, "Pick your battles."  Which sounds great but then JJ just seems to escalate until I need to discipline her.

I love to joke and have fun.  I don't feel like I can do that with JJ.  She will become a bubble of nonsense and spastic actions.  It becomes no fun very quickly.  I have gotten to the place where I fear what will happen if I try.  So, sadly, my behavior is different with each girl.  I'm more excited to interact with Sarah because it will have meaning and often be funny.  I've had a difficult time finding activities that JJ and I can do that allow us to share any special or memorable time.

I have found that there is a vicious cycle.  If I try to engage in some conversation and it often becomes her just repeating herself or my question.  JJ will be loud or talking nonsense or sabotaging an activity and then my tendency is to ignore her.  She wants attention so then she does things that require negative attention.  I guess I just can't figure out how to interact with her.


Jonathan and I discussed just giving in to whatever JJ wants to try to eliminate any type of battle situation. We do not want to do that with Sarah though.  We discussed treating them totally differently and seeing how JJ reacts to Sarah being held to a higher standard.  We think this would not be helpful because she would just escalate things more and probably become violent towards Sarah because she knows we will react to that. 

We decided on forcing ourselves to not ignore her.  She talks A LOT and doesn't always make any sense so this will be interesting.  This will mean that I will be very intentional about my time so that I am playing more and trying to have fun.  Dammit, we will have fun!  I will figure out a way.  She likes to skip holding hands with me.  She likes to dance (sometimes).  I can try, again, to practice gymnastics with her.  When she does start making nonsense I can say, "I don't understand what you are trying to say so I'm having a hard time thinking of a way to respond.  I'll just listen to you."  I will practice a technique we tried in the past that seemed to work some: when she is getting spastic, we ask her if she wants a hug.

I will need to keep my stress level down.  I will need to make sure I am not taking things as a personal attack although I know she does things just to make me angry.  I need to make sure I model excellent anger management.  My anger shows itself not usually with a loud voice but more with sarcasm and rude responses. Oh and it's hard to hide my thoughts when it comes to my facial expressions.  (Like, today at the park, when, I'm pretty sure, JJ's nose dripped watery snot down my arm and I tried to wipe the look of pure disgust off my face.  She even asked, "Why you look like that?")

I was trying to think of a simple saying to separate my irritation from her attempts to anger me.  At first I was trying to think of something funny and Jonathan asked why it couldn't be something to help me realize how truly sad the struggle is for JJ.  I've decided on, "She has never had a bed before."  This is not true of JJ but it is just twisting the line from the movie The Blind Side that can make me bawl even if I'm just watching the trailer.
It's to remind me that she isn't accustomed to "normal" attention and interaction.



Personality Note:
I don't like drama.  When people create drama, I tend to remove myself from any circumstances that would involve me needing to respond to the drama.  I have been known to avoid people that I deem to be drama creators in my life.  I will be friendly and try to stay at peace with them but that is accomplished because I limit my involvement with them.  I'm fighting my nature here.

Shoot the Hostage...

Remember Keanu Reeve's movie SPEED?

A scene near the beginning of the movie:

Harry: "Alright, pop quiz: The airport. Gunman with one hostage, he's using her for cover, he's almost to the plane. You're a hundred feet away. (Long pause) Jack?"
Jack: "Shoot the hostage.""
Harry: "What?"
Jack: "Take her out of the equation. Go for the good wound and he can't get to the plane with her. Clear shot"
Harry: "You are deeply nuts, you know that? 'Shoot the hostage'... jeez..."

Then later, Keanu Reeve's character shoots his friend so the bad guy can't "play the game" anymore.

Now, don't get us wrong, we're in no way saying that JJ is the bad guy or that we're going to shoot anybody, but recently, the metaphor has been helpful for us in trying to solve tricky situations.

We're trying to avoid battles of will that result in win-lose or lose-win situations. However, it seems like once that game gets started, it's really difficult to stop it. Unless you can find a clever way to shoot the hostage and get rid of the game.

If anyone has any better ideas for handling these situations PLEASE comment or email me.  We are such newbies with this whole parenting thing and especially with parenting a child from neglect/trauma.  We would really like to improve or be corrected if there are better ways.  It's tricky because there are contradictory views and they often have reasonable explanations for why their way is better.

SITUATION #1

For four months, we've been encouraging JJ that when she wakes up from naptime, she has permission to leave her room. Sarah gets it. Sarah feels completely empowered and free to leave her room when she wakes up. For some reason, JJ does not. Maybe it's something from her past foster placements. Maybe it's something from her family life. We don't know. Even when Sarah and JJ take naps in the same room, JJ will see Sarah awaken, get out of bed, leave the room, and close the door behind her, but JJ will still stay in her room.

But here's JJ's game: I'm going to forget the permission I have and stay closed up in my room, pretending or very really believing that I can't come out. I will even stay in my room so long that I pee my pants, start crying, and revert to an infant-like emotional state.

We've tried many scenarios to figure out her emotional needs. 1) Going in to affectionately tickle and kiss her till she awakes. 2) Entering and saying, "Silly, you know you can come out" and leaving the door open. Half the time she'll close the door, stay in her room, and start crying. 3) Letting her stay in her room to see if she'll choose to come out. 4) Waiting the hour and a half for her to come out, then cheering and encouraging her that we've been waiting to play with her, thinking that she'll want the positive feedback.

And we finally think we've found a way to get rid of the game >>> After she's fallen into deep hibernation, we open the door and put the anti-slam foam on the top so she can't close the door and start the game back up.

We've yet to see if it'll work, but we have high hopes.

SITUATION #2
It's Monday, Life Group night, our small group of friends come over to talk about life and the girls usually go to sleep about half way through.  This particular night the girls were asked to clean up their toys before they went to bed.  JJ only had a few maybe one thing out right in front of her toy basket and she was refusing to pick it up, ignoring every sort of communication I attempted with her, and moved away from me.

JJ's Game: The longer I wait to pick up my toys, the longer I will be able to try to interact with people. Even if I get time-out, I can stay awake longer.

The girls had already put their PJ's on and brushed their teeth.  I assessed the situation.  Her next count was 3 which would normally be time-out.  I said, "That's three. Bedtime," and I lifted her in the cradle position off the couch (where she was sitting smiling at people) and carried her towards the bathroom on the way to her room.  Surprised, she said, "Time-out?! I want read a story. . . . I want clean up my toys."  To which I responded, "If you wanted to clean up your toys you would have chosen to do it already.  Do you need to go to the bathroom before going to bed?"  She chose not to use the restroom.  I laid her in bed.  She was yelling about wanting to read a book so I returned and explained the situation with it being too close to bedtime for time-out, she made the choice not to listen to my words, and that meant no story just bedtime.  She went to sleep quietly.  Game eliminated.    

SITUATION #3 (still trying to figure out if there is a hostage to shoot in this situation)

The expectations are small: the girls earn a nickel each time they pick up their toys or make their beds. We got the idea from Dave Ramsey and think it's a great idea to instill the value of money, working for things, and filling your role in the family.

JJ earned $2.00 from her chores and bought a bike with it (that's a serious parent discount, I know). On any particular day, if JJ wants to ride her bike at the park, she needs to make her bed and pick up her toys.  Considering she is four-years-old, this seems reasonable.  We aren't expecting her bed to be perfectly made or anything, we just expect her to try her best.  We know she can do it because we have modeled, instructed, and practiced with her many times.  She can do this.

She doesn't even attempt.  She will just cry, "I want to ride my bike."  To which we reply, "You know what to do."  We know she knows what to do because when we aren't in the moment (I guess you could say, a more regulated state), we have asked, "What do you need to do in order to ride your bike?" and she answers correctly.  She gets it.

 So the problem is figuring out the identity of the hostage? What is the game? Cause if you don't know the hostage, you aren't going to change the game. And there's always the possibility that RAD-logic sometimes doesn't keep hostages.

My theory: She desperately wants to ride her bike, but something deep inside her takes over with a deep desire to take control. While it may seem like we're giving her control over the situation, she knows we've rigged the game for her to want to ride her bike. So when the I-want-control-right-now-because-this-big-confusing-world-has-taken-control-from-me urge for control takes over, her control = not doing her chores because we made that rule. And this breaks my heart. I can see it in her face sometimes too...that I really want to ride my bike but something in me makes me want control more than fun.

FYI, mommy & daddy . . . as strange as it may sound, this is also why I pee my pants. Two things I have complete control over -- 1) peeing and pooping my pants and 2) not riding my bike.

And in spite of all that, we continue to search for the hostage.