JJ began weekend visits with her parents. From Friday evening until Sunday evening she is away with her parents. Jonathan and I realized how our home life has changed since she joined our family. The most obvious thing has been the volume level in our home. When JJ is around there is constant noise. She's either talking, creating sounds with her mouth, clapping, tapping, or banging objects. All of this is usually quite loudly. Sarah sings and talks while she plays but no where close to as loud as JJ's noises. The volume level increase is affected by the girls repeating each other's words and noises often but even when I'm just with JJ, noise is constant. It may be physically impossible for her to be quiet. Even when she sleeps, she snores.
During our weekend we got a chance to remember what our family is like without JJ. It is so peaceful. At one point Jonathan and I allowed ourselves to realize that our life could have been like that for the last 3 months. Peaceful. We also realized that our selfishness could run wild with that thought and so we must take that thought captive and submit it to Christ.
I wish I could glorify our choice to become foster parents but I can't. It just is and we really feel like we should be doing what we are doing because JJ deserves to be loved and live in a safe place.
We are enjoying our weekend respites. I'm quite thankful for the chance to recharge and mentally prepare myself for another week.
Saturday, July 31, 2010
Meet Mama Bear
So, the hardest times for me are when Sarah is affected or influenced by JJ's behavior.
This is a big button for JJ to push. I know this so when JJ seems to be exceptionally mean or tempting to Sarah, I try to contain my internal pissed offness and my mama bear instinct to protect my offspring. I know these feelings are rooted in fear so I try to focus on my fears that are being triggered. That's when dependence on God comes in handy because my human nature and brokeness have been very evident through this foster experience journey as I learn to love JJ and view her the way God views her.
Most recently I had a Mama Bear experience where my reaction was not "pissed offness" but sadness.
One of our fears is that some kind of abuse would occur to Sarah and her safety would be jeapordized. It's one of the reasons people say we shouldn't be foster parents because of this possibility.
Well, this became closer to a reality a week and a half ago.
I asked JJ to put on shoes for the park. She went back to the bedroom and Sarah followed. Within a few minutes I went back to peek on their progress as I went to get my shoes. We have a small apartment and I could hear them the whole time. As I walked by I saw JJ (she was clothed in a skort and tank top) with shoes on lying on her back with her legs bent and open. Sarah was kneeling between JJ’s legs and JJ was holding the back of Sarah’s head and rubbing her face back and forth in her crotch while giving some command about her “Ne-Ne” (which is what she calls her private parts). This was not a pretty sight. My angle . . . was . . . it was not good. That's my baby girl. I rushed in, grabbed Sarah, felt the mama bear well up within me when I looked at JJ, controlled myself with a deep breath, and went out of the room. I closed the door (leaving JJ in there) and started crying in the hall.
When I asked Sarah what they were doing she said her finger puppet turtle was giving JJ kisses. She did indeed have a finger puppet turtle on her pointer finger. I prayed, calmed down, and returned to the bedroom to calmly and nonchalantly ask JJ what they were playing. JJ said, “Sarah no bite my ne-ne,” and asked why I had been crying. I said I was sad about something but I am better now. I asked her to show me with a teddy bear what they were playing. Then Sarah came back in and I didn't want to make it a bigger deal than it already might have been due to my instant reaction crying so I didn't push the issue.
Later, I told Sarah that her face shouldn’t be near people’s privates and to tell anyone that tried to put her face near them to say, "No! Stop!”
I left it at that. Considering I didn't see what led up to the visual I saw (oy, vey), both stories seemed to correlate, and Sarah seemed unfazed (she is quite loud when something is being done to her that she doesn't like and that alarm wasn't sounded during this incident). My understanding is that Sarah was trying to have her finger puppet turtle kiss JJ on the lips (I have seen Sarah do this with her toys recently) and this is what led to the positioning of Sarah and JJ. Then somehow it switched to what I saw. I seemed to have caught it quickly enough. I don't think Sarah realized what was happening. What switched in JJ's brain to make her do what she did, we don't and won't know. I was able to get her to repeat a few times the command she was saying to Sarah but was still unable to discipher what she was saying except for the word "ne-ne."
According to the social worker, this is all still within the realm of normal. It could mean more but it could be just play. For us, considering a month ago I heard JJ ask Sarah to touch her ne-ne and a few days prior to this instance JJ asked another student at preschool to show her their privates, we are being extremely cautious. We no longer allow the girls to be alone together at all for even the shortest amounts of time even though our apartment is small and doors are usually kept open, we don't want to leave room for any possibilities. They share a bedroom so we have switched up the night-night and nap routines so that JJ goes to bed first and we wait until she is asleep if we are going to but Sarah in bed or we have been having Sarah sleep in our bed. JJ is a deep sleeper. When she sleeps, she sleeps and we have never known her to wake up in the middle of the night except for once when Sarah was crying a lot.
Jonathan and I have been discussing where we draw the line considering our safety and especially the safety of Sarah. What is our theology when it comes to personal safety. At what point would we consider asking JJ to be removed from our home. We know that we are her 5th placement since November 2009. So in the last 9 months she has lived in 5 different homes, 3 almost 4 of those months have been with us, the last transition (into our home) seemed to affect her the most (because her prior placement was with family members that she was really close to), and none of the placement changes have been based on her behavior but due to other reasons. This poor girl has been through so much.
Since this incident (maybe because of this incident), the county social worker has accelerated the reunification process and weekend/over-night visits with JJ's parents started last Friday. Thankfully, she has also begun weekly therapy sessions. Hopefully more will be learned about JJ and the best decisions will be made with her well-being in mind.
This is a big button for JJ to push. I know this so when JJ seems to be exceptionally mean or tempting to Sarah, I try to contain my internal pissed offness and my mama bear instinct to protect my offspring. I know these feelings are rooted in fear so I try to focus on my fears that are being triggered. That's when dependence on God comes in handy because my human nature and brokeness have been very evident through this foster experience journey as I learn to love JJ and view her the way God views her.
Most recently I had a Mama Bear experience where my reaction was not "pissed offness" but sadness.
One of our fears is that some kind of abuse would occur to Sarah and her safety would be jeapordized. It's one of the reasons people say we shouldn't be foster parents because of this possibility.
Well, this became closer to a reality a week and a half ago.
I asked JJ to put on shoes for the park. She went back to the bedroom and Sarah followed. Within a few minutes I went back to peek on their progress as I went to get my shoes. We have a small apartment and I could hear them the whole time. As I walked by I saw JJ (she was clothed in a skort and tank top) with shoes on lying on her back with her legs bent and open. Sarah was kneeling between JJ’s legs and JJ was holding the back of Sarah’s head and rubbing her face back and forth in her crotch while giving some command about her “Ne-Ne” (which is what she calls her private parts). This was not a pretty sight. My angle . . . was . . . it was not good. That's my baby girl. I rushed in, grabbed Sarah, felt the mama bear well up within me when I looked at JJ, controlled myself with a deep breath, and went out of the room. I closed the door (leaving JJ in there) and started crying in the hall.
When I asked Sarah what they were doing she said her finger puppet turtle was giving JJ kisses. She did indeed have a finger puppet turtle on her pointer finger. I prayed, calmed down, and returned to the bedroom to calmly and nonchalantly ask JJ what they were playing. JJ said, “Sarah no bite my ne-ne,” and asked why I had been crying. I said I was sad about something but I am better now. I asked her to show me with a teddy bear what they were playing. Then Sarah came back in and I didn't want to make it a bigger deal than it already might have been due to my instant reaction crying so I didn't push the issue.
Later, I told Sarah that her face shouldn’t be near people’s privates and to tell anyone that tried to put her face near them to say, "No! Stop!”
I left it at that. Considering I didn't see what led up to the visual I saw (oy, vey), both stories seemed to correlate, and Sarah seemed unfazed (she is quite loud when something is being done to her that she doesn't like and that alarm wasn't sounded during this incident). My understanding is that Sarah was trying to have her finger puppet turtle kiss JJ on the lips (I have seen Sarah do this with her toys recently) and this is what led to the positioning of Sarah and JJ. Then somehow it switched to what I saw. I seemed to have caught it quickly enough. I don't think Sarah realized what was happening. What switched in JJ's brain to make her do what she did, we don't and won't know. I was able to get her to repeat a few times the command she was saying to Sarah but was still unable to discipher what she was saying except for the word "ne-ne."
According to the social worker, this is all still within the realm of normal. It could mean more but it could be just play. For us, considering a month ago I heard JJ ask Sarah to touch her ne-ne and a few days prior to this instance JJ asked another student at preschool to show her their privates, we are being extremely cautious. We no longer allow the girls to be alone together at all for even the shortest amounts of time even though our apartment is small and doors are usually kept open, we don't want to leave room for any possibilities. They share a bedroom so we have switched up the night-night and nap routines so that JJ goes to bed first and we wait until she is asleep if we are going to but Sarah in bed or we have been having Sarah sleep in our bed. JJ is a deep sleeper. When she sleeps, she sleeps and we have never known her to wake up in the middle of the night except for once when Sarah was crying a lot.
Jonathan and I have been discussing where we draw the line considering our safety and especially the safety of Sarah. What is our theology when it comes to personal safety. At what point would we consider asking JJ to be removed from our home. We know that we are her 5th placement since November 2009. So in the last 9 months she has lived in 5 different homes, 3 almost 4 of those months have been with us, the last transition (into our home) seemed to affect her the most (because her prior placement was with family members that she was really close to), and none of the placement changes have been based on her behavior but due to other reasons. This poor girl has been through so much.
Since this incident (maybe because of this incident), the county social worker has accelerated the reunification process and weekend/over-night visits with JJ's parents started last Friday. Thankfully, she has also begun weekly therapy sessions. Hopefully more will be learned about JJ and the best decisions will be made with her well-being in mind.
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