JJ began weekend visits with her parents. From Friday evening until Sunday evening she is away with her parents. Jonathan and I realized how our home life has changed since she joined our family. The most obvious thing has been the volume level in our home. When JJ is around there is constant noise. She's either talking, creating sounds with her mouth, clapping, tapping, or banging objects. All of this is usually quite loudly. Sarah sings and talks while she plays but no where close to as loud as JJ's noises. The volume level increase is affected by the girls repeating each other's words and noises often but even when I'm just with JJ, noise is constant. It may be physically impossible for her to be quiet. Even when she sleeps, she snores.
During our weekend we got a chance to remember what our family is like without JJ. It is so peaceful. At one point Jonathan and I allowed ourselves to realize that our life could have been like that for the last 3 months. Peaceful. We also realized that our selfishness could run wild with that thought and so we must take that thought captive and submit it to Christ.
I wish I could glorify our choice to become foster parents but I can't. It just is and we really feel like we should be doing what we are doing because JJ deserves to be loved and live in a safe place.
We are enjoying our weekend respites. I'm quite thankful for the chance to recharge and mentally prepare myself for another week.
Saturday, July 31, 2010
Meet Mama Bear
So, the hardest times for me are when Sarah is affected or influenced by JJ's behavior.
This is a big button for JJ to push. I know this so when JJ seems to be exceptionally mean or tempting to Sarah, I try to contain my internal pissed offness and my mama bear instinct to protect my offspring. I know these feelings are rooted in fear so I try to focus on my fears that are being triggered. That's when dependence on God comes in handy because my human nature and brokeness have been very evident through this foster experience journey as I learn to love JJ and view her the way God views her.
Most recently I had a Mama Bear experience where my reaction was not "pissed offness" but sadness.
One of our fears is that some kind of abuse would occur to Sarah and her safety would be jeapordized. It's one of the reasons people say we shouldn't be foster parents because of this possibility.
Well, this became closer to a reality a week and a half ago.
I asked JJ to put on shoes for the park. She went back to the bedroom and Sarah followed. Within a few minutes I went back to peek on their progress as I went to get my shoes. We have a small apartment and I could hear them the whole time. As I walked by I saw JJ (she was clothed in a skort and tank top) with shoes on lying on her back with her legs bent and open. Sarah was kneeling between JJ’s legs and JJ was holding the back of Sarah’s head and rubbing her face back and forth in her crotch while giving some command about her “Ne-Ne” (which is what she calls her private parts). This was not a pretty sight. My angle . . . was . . . it was not good. That's my baby girl. I rushed in, grabbed Sarah, felt the mama bear well up within me when I looked at JJ, controlled myself with a deep breath, and went out of the room. I closed the door (leaving JJ in there) and started crying in the hall.
When I asked Sarah what they were doing she said her finger puppet turtle was giving JJ kisses. She did indeed have a finger puppet turtle on her pointer finger. I prayed, calmed down, and returned to the bedroom to calmly and nonchalantly ask JJ what they were playing. JJ said, “Sarah no bite my ne-ne,” and asked why I had been crying. I said I was sad about something but I am better now. I asked her to show me with a teddy bear what they were playing. Then Sarah came back in and I didn't want to make it a bigger deal than it already might have been due to my instant reaction crying so I didn't push the issue.
Later, I told Sarah that her face shouldn’t be near people’s privates and to tell anyone that tried to put her face near them to say, "No! Stop!”
I left it at that. Considering I didn't see what led up to the visual I saw (oy, vey), both stories seemed to correlate, and Sarah seemed unfazed (she is quite loud when something is being done to her that she doesn't like and that alarm wasn't sounded during this incident). My understanding is that Sarah was trying to have her finger puppet turtle kiss JJ on the lips (I have seen Sarah do this with her toys recently) and this is what led to the positioning of Sarah and JJ. Then somehow it switched to what I saw. I seemed to have caught it quickly enough. I don't think Sarah realized what was happening. What switched in JJ's brain to make her do what she did, we don't and won't know. I was able to get her to repeat a few times the command she was saying to Sarah but was still unable to discipher what she was saying except for the word "ne-ne."
According to the social worker, this is all still within the realm of normal. It could mean more but it could be just play. For us, considering a month ago I heard JJ ask Sarah to touch her ne-ne and a few days prior to this instance JJ asked another student at preschool to show her their privates, we are being extremely cautious. We no longer allow the girls to be alone together at all for even the shortest amounts of time even though our apartment is small and doors are usually kept open, we don't want to leave room for any possibilities. They share a bedroom so we have switched up the night-night and nap routines so that JJ goes to bed first and we wait until she is asleep if we are going to but Sarah in bed or we have been having Sarah sleep in our bed. JJ is a deep sleeper. When she sleeps, she sleeps and we have never known her to wake up in the middle of the night except for once when Sarah was crying a lot.
Jonathan and I have been discussing where we draw the line considering our safety and especially the safety of Sarah. What is our theology when it comes to personal safety. At what point would we consider asking JJ to be removed from our home. We know that we are her 5th placement since November 2009. So in the last 9 months she has lived in 5 different homes, 3 almost 4 of those months have been with us, the last transition (into our home) seemed to affect her the most (because her prior placement was with family members that she was really close to), and none of the placement changes have been based on her behavior but due to other reasons. This poor girl has been through so much.
Since this incident (maybe because of this incident), the county social worker has accelerated the reunification process and weekend/over-night visits with JJ's parents started last Friday. Thankfully, she has also begun weekly therapy sessions. Hopefully more will be learned about JJ and the best decisions will be made with her well-being in mind.
This is a big button for JJ to push. I know this so when JJ seems to be exceptionally mean or tempting to Sarah, I try to contain my internal pissed offness and my mama bear instinct to protect my offspring. I know these feelings are rooted in fear so I try to focus on my fears that are being triggered. That's when dependence on God comes in handy because my human nature and brokeness have been very evident through this foster experience journey as I learn to love JJ and view her the way God views her.
Most recently I had a Mama Bear experience where my reaction was not "pissed offness" but sadness.
One of our fears is that some kind of abuse would occur to Sarah and her safety would be jeapordized. It's one of the reasons people say we shouldn't be foster parents because of this possibility.
Well, this became closer to a reality a week and a half ago.
I asked JJ to put on shoes for the park. She went back to the bedroom and Sarah followed. Within a few minutes I went back to peek on their progress as I went to get my shoes. We have a small apartment and I could hear them the whole time. As I walked by I saw JJ (she was clothed in a skort and tank top) with shoes on lying on her back with her legs bent and open. Sarah was kneeling between JJ’s legs and JJ was holding the back of Sarah’s head and rubbing her face back and forth in her crotch while giving some command about her “Ne-Ne” (which is what she calls her private parts). This was not a pretty sight. My angle . . . was . . . it was not good. That's my baby girl. I rushed in, grabbed Sarah, felt the mama bear well up within me when I looked at JJ, controlled myself with a deep breath, and went out of the room. I closed the door (leaving JJ in there) and started crying in the hall.
When I asked Sarah what they were doing she said her finger puppet turtle was giving JJ kisses. She did indeed have a finger puppet turtle on her pointer finger. I prayed, calmed down, and returned to the bedroom to calmly and nonchalantly ask JJ what they were playing. JJ said, “Sarah no bite my ne-ne,” and asked why I had been crying. I said I was sad about something but I am better now. I asked her to show me with a teddy bear what they were playing. Then Sarah came back in and I didn't want to make it a bigger deal than it already might have been due to my instant reaction crying so I didn't push the issue.
Later, I told Sarah that her face shouldn’t be near people’s privates and to tell anyone that tried to put her face near them to say, "No! Stop!”
I left it at that. Considering I didn't see what led up to the visual I saw (oy, vey), both stories seemed to correlate, and Sarah seemed unfazed (she is quite loud when something is being done to her that she doesn't like and that alarm wasn't sounded during this incident). My understanding is that Sarah was trying to have her finger puppet turtle kiss JJ on the lips (I have seen Sarah do this with her toys recently) and this is what led to the positioning of Sarah and JJ. Then somehow it switched to what I saw. I seemed to have caught it quickly enough. I don't think Sarah realized what was happening. What switched in JJ's brain to make her do what she did, we don't and won't know. I was able to get her to repeat a few times the command she was saying to Sarah but was still unable to discipher what she was saying except for the word "ne-ne."
According to the social worker, this is all still within the realm of normal. It could mean more but it could be just play. For us, considering a month ago I heard JJ ask Sarah to touch her ne-ne and a few days prior to this instance JJ asked another student at preschool to show her their privates, we are being extremely cautious. We no longer allow the girls to be alone together at all for even the shortest amounts of time even though our apartment is small and doors are usually kept open, we don't want to leave room for any possibilities. They share a bedroom so we have switched up the night-night and nap routines so that JJ goes to bed first and we wait until she is asleep if we are going to but Sarah in bed or we have been having Sarah sleep in our bed. JJ is a deep sleeper. When she sleeps, she sleeps and we have never known her to wake up in the middle of the night except for once when Sarah was crying a lot.
Jonathan and I have been discussing where we draw the line considering our safety and especially the safety of Sarah. What is our theology when it comes to personal safety. At what point would we consider asking JJ to be removed from our home. We know that we are her 5th placement since November 2009. So in the last 9 months she has lived in 5 different homes, 3 almost 4 of those months have been with us, the last transition (into our home) seemed to affect her the most (because her prior placement was with family members that she was really close to), and none of the placement changes have been based on her behavior but due to other reasons. This poor girl has been through so much.
Since this incident (maybe because of this incident), the county social worker has accelerated the reunification process and weekend/over-night visits with JJ's parents started last Friday. Thankfully, she has also begun weekly therapy sessions. Hopefully more will be learned about JJ and the best decisions will be made with her well-being in mind.
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
Foster Parenting Podcast
A few years ago I took a class at my church, A World In Need: Justice for the Poor, taught by foster parent W from the Foster Parenting Podcast (this was all before she became a foster mom). It was a thoughtful class but I honestly can't remember what was taught (until I skimmed my notes again). The thing that left the most impact was the heart and joy that foster mom W had for others. On one of the last nights, we had a conversation about adoption. We are merely acquaintances with some friends of friends but yet I feel like I could sit talk with her for a while whenever our paths cross again.
Wednesday, July 14, 2010
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
Sabotage
Daddy and husband again:
I may not have this completely accurate, but here's how it is in my brain. Attachment is real. It sure seems to me that it's a miracle of creation that when Sarah was born, I longed to hold her for hours and stare into her eyes. Attachment. And here's the nutty thing: all my staring was wiring synapses in her brain that her emotions needed to function as God intended. Kids who don't get that attachment, can't get it back. It's a small window, and after the window closes, the synapses can't be connected. Crazy!
My first thought is: How could God allow kids to go through life without attachment?
But my answer comes back: He didn't intend it that way. He intended for all children to receive the needed attachment from their parents. And when he renews the Earth and brings back shalom and Eden, that's how things will happen for eternity.
But for now, on this side of God's shalom, some kids have attachment issues. Call it RAD. Call it ADD. Call it ADHD. Call it Bombaloo. Call it whatever you'd like, but it's real.
It's what causes our little girl to spaz her head about all twitchy for a few seconds like she got shocked by 1,000 amps of electricity. I don't think I could make my body move that way if I tried. She does it for attention. She so desperately longs to fill that attachment void that she'll do anything to lock on to pure love and she sabotages herself in the process.
Simple example: JJ's hula hooping in the living room, so I lean my chin on my hand and watch her, putting my most adoring facial expression on. She notices me looking at her, and all normal hula-hooping stops. Hoop falls.
"Why are you looking at me, Daddy?" She's fishing for my words. She knows why I'm looking at her.
"Because I love watching you hula hoop."
"Why?"
"Because I love you."
Her eyes lock mine for a moment. Then she flails the hula hoop around her body. Another look at me. She falls to the ground. Another look at me. She stands back up and flails the hoop to where it's smacking herself in the head. Hysterical laughter insues. Stumbling to the carpet.
See, she has my pure adoration, and she longs to keep it forever. But she doesn't know how. And she thinks she can lose it. She thinks that if my eyes leave her, then so has my love. So she goofs off and acts up to keep my love. Which spurs natural reactions in me to not love her. Which spurs more goofing off. Which spurs more reactions to not love her.
It's that attachment void again. Because she didn't get it when she needed it, she might spend the rest of her life searching for it, and the methods she uses to earn attachment will only drive it further away.
God, give me unconditional grace. Incarnational. The kind of love that steps in to her void even when I won't get anything in return.
I may not have this completely accurate, but here's how it is in my brain. Attachment is real. It sure seems to me that it's a miracle of creation that when Sarah was born, I longed to hold her for hours and stare into her eyes. Attachment. And here's the nutty thing: all my staring was wiring synapses in her brain that her emotions needed to function as God intended. Kids who don't get that attachment, can't get it back. It's a small window, and after the window closes, the synapses can't be connected. Crazy!
My first thought is: How could God allow kids to go through life without attachment?
But my answer comes back: He didn't intend it that way. He intended for all children to receive the needed attachment from their parents. And when he renews the Earth and brings back shalom and Eden, that's how things will happen for eternity.
But for now, on this side of God's shalom, some kids have attachment issues. Call it RAD. Call it ADD. Call it ADHD. Call it Bombaloo. Call it whatever you'd like, but it's real.
It's what causes our little girl to spaz her head about all twitchy for a few seconds like she got shocked by 1,000 amps of electricity. I don't think I could make my body move that way if I tried. She does it for attention. She so desperately longs to fill that attachment void that she'll do anything to lock on to pure love and she sabotages herself in the process.
Simple example: JJ's hula hooping in the living room, so I lean my chin on my hand and watch her, putting my most adoring facial expression on. She notices me looking at her, and all normal hula-hooping stops. Hoop falls.
"Why are you looking at me, Daddy?" She's fishing for my words. She knows why I'm looking at her.
"Because I love watching you hula hoop."
"Why?"
"Because I love you."
Her eyes lock mine for a moment. Then she flails the hula hoop around her body. Another look at me. She falls to the ground. Another look at me. She stands back up and flails the hoop to where it's smacking herself in the head. Hysterical laughter insues. Stumbling to the carpet.
See, she has my pure adoration, and she longs to keep it forever. But she doesn't know how. And she thinks she can lose it. She thinks that if my eyes leave her, then so has my love. So she goofs off and acts up to keep my love. Which spurs natural reactions in me to not love her. Which spurs more goofing off. Which spurs more reactions to not love her.
It's that attachment void again. Because she didn't get it when she needed it, she might spend the rest of her life searching for it, and the methods she uses to earn attachment will only drive it further away.
God, give me unconditional grace. Incarnational. The kind of love that steps in to her void even when I won't get anything in return.
Modeling God's Love and Discipline
Husband and Daddy here again:
Let's start this off with a few things that I have learned to strive for in my parenting:
(1) My children to see a model of God's love and discipline through my actions and words.
(2) To be filled with grace and truth and have the wisdom to know which to use and when.
(3) My actions and words to be so much like God's that the more they are drawn to my love, the more they are drawn to his.
This has led to a few Ah-Ha truths.
(1) Some instances require truth and discipline, while others require grace and talking.
(2) With all instances, the goal is to get the child to open up her heart and emotions and even talk about it. This is much more likely to happen when circumstances are handled with complete grace and nothing that JJ might see as punishment.
(3) JJ will do things because she believes something false about herself, and any discipline she receives for that behavior only reinforces in her brain that the falsehood is once again true. This cycle must be broken creatively, firmly, and lovingly.
(4) JJ's discipline and Sarah's discipline might look different and that's still fair. After all, God's word says to "train a child in the way SHE should go, and when she is old, she will not depart from it." There will be times when the fairest discipline might mean different consequences. It might even look like JJ getting grace and Sarah getting truth.
Their hearts are the goal. I want to model that with my heart and lead them into their own. I can't do that unless I love them like God does. And here's the really sucky part: some people still don't let God into their hearts. Translation: even if I love them like God loves us, they still might not let me in.
All I can do is try.
Sincerely,
More selfish than he realized.
Let's start this off with a few things that I have learned to strive for in my parenting:
(1) My children to see a model of God's love and discipline through my actions and words.
(2) To be filled with grace and truth and have the wisdom to know which to use and when.
(3) My actions and words to be so much like God's that the more they are drawn to my love, the more they are drawn to his.
This has led to a few Ah-Ha truths.
(1) Some instances require truth and discipline, while others require grace and talking.
(2) With all instances, the goal is to get the child to open up her heart and emotions and even talk about it. This is much more likely to happen when circumstances are handled with complete grace and nothing that JJ might see as punishment.
(3) JJ will do things because she believes something false about herself, and any discipline she receives for that behavior only reinforces in her brain that the falsehood is once again true. This cycle must be broken creatively, firmly, and lovingly.
(4) JJ's discipline and Sarah's discipline might look different and that's still fair. After all, God's word says to "train a child in the way SHE should go, and when she is old, she will not depart from it." There will be times when the fairest discipline might mean different consequences. It might even look like JJ getting grace and Sarah getting truth.
Their hearts are the goal. I want to model that with my heart and lead them into their own. I can't do that unless I love them like God does. And here's the really sucky part: some people still don't let God into their hearts. Translation: even if I love them like God loves us, they still might not let me in.
All I can do is try.
Sincerely,
More selfish than he realized.
The Holy Spirit
Like Lisa, I (husband and daddy) have been on a journey of learning to love. It ain't natural for me. I'm continuously amazed at how much God loves the unlovables of the world, those people that can be so difficult to love that the rest of humanity gives up on them. These are the ones who often aren't able to love back, but deep down, they're the ones who need it the most. And they sabotage themselves. They are their own worst enemy.
But the more I push myself to love, the more my heart actually loves. It's amazing. And I've been learning to pray for her. Honest, heartfelt, loving prayer.
JJ had a great day that finished terribly. She went completely Bombaloo. Later, when she was lying in bed and our bio-daughter was watching her sight words video before bed, I was staring at the bedroom monitor and began praying for Jenna. Halfway through my prayer, I really wanted to hear from God, so I asked him to manifest himself.
JJ had worked herself up and was 3/4 of the way down her bed, lying sideways beside her comforter, pillows on the floor, bedsheet crumpled up. I prayed that God's Spirit would come down on her and give her peace, that she would feel safety and love and pride and belonging. Then I asked God to show me proof of her feeling his peace.
"God," I asked, "if she's feeling your peace, have her roll toward the monitor and relax her propped-up knees. God give her peace, give her peace." A moment later, she rolled over and relaxed.
"God, help her to feel how much we love her, complete and unconditional love, safety, care. And when your Spirit is coming down on her, have her say, 'I love you, Jonathan.'" In a breathy solid voice, she said, "I love you, Jonathan."
"God, help her to feel how much we love her, complete and unconditional love, safety, care. And when your Spirit is coming down on her, have her say, 'I love you, Lisa.'" In a breathy solid voice, she said, "I love you, Lisa."
Then once more I prayed that she feel complete peace and belonging and home. I asked God that when his Spirit brings that on her that she would roll on her side and put her knees down again and go to sleep. She did all of it.
I couldn't believe it. I just wanted to keep praying for her. Very few times in my life has God's presence and activity manifested itself so vividly and immediately.
May he get all the glory through our lives and love.
But the more I push myself to love, the more my heart actually loves. It's amazing. And I've been learning to pray for her. Honest, heartfelt, loving prayer.
JJ had a great day that finished terribly. She went completely Bombaloo. Later, when she was lying in bed and our bio-daughter was watching her sight words video before bed, I was staring at the bedroom monitor and began praying for Jenna. Halfway through my prayer, I really wanted to hear from God, so I asked him to manifest himself.
JJ had worked herself up and was 3/4 of the way down her bed, lying sideways beside her comforter, pillows on the floor, bedsheet crumpled up. I prayed that God's Spirit would come down on her and give her peace, that she would feel safety and love and pride and belonging. Then I asked God to show me proof of her feeling his peace.
"God," I asked, "if she's feeling your peace, have her roll toward the monitor and relax her propped-up knees. God give her peace, give her peace." A moment later, she rolled over and relaxed.
"God, help her to feel how much we love her, complete and unconditional love, safety, care. And when your Spirit is coming down on her, have her say, 'I love you, Jonathan.'" In a breathy solid voice, she said, "I love you, Jonathan."
"God, help her to feel how much we love her, complete and unconditional love, safety, care. And when your Spirit is coming down on her, have her say, 'I love you, Lisa.'" In a breathy solid voice, she said, "I love you, Lisa."
Then once more I prayed that she feel complete peace and belonging and home. I asked God that when his Spirit brings that on her that she would roll on her side and put her knees down again and go to sleep. She did all of it.
I couldn't believe it. I just wanted to keep praying for her. Very few times in my life has God's presence and activity manifested itself so vividly and immediately.
May he get all the glory through our lives and love.
It's About Time!
I (finally) got a call today from the place where JJ will get therapy. Apparently she got lost in the system somehow. I look forward to tomorrow when we will meet the therapist (yeah) and I will be filling out paperwork (bummer). The social worker shared the irony that she has another child that doesn't totally need therapy and it only took 2 weeks to process and the request for JJ took 2 months and she really needs it.
Ah . . . I know it won't work miracles but I hope it will help us learn about the real JJ and get past the protective barrier she has put up.
Ah . . . I know it won't work miracles but I hope it will help us learn about the real JJ and get past the protective barrier she has put up.
Monday, July 12, 2010
A Lesson in Love - Modeled By a 1-Year-Old
We were at Papa and Nana's house doing laundry. JJ had cracker's from her sacklunch from preschool. She was taunting Sarah saying, "Here you want one," and then eating it. I let this happen a few times and watched how Sarah handled it. She was getting confused, frustrated, and started to whimper.
I explained to JJ that if she was offering Sarah a cracker she, then, must give her one because it is mean to only offer and then not share. JJ started sharing some of her crackers. When there were only two crackers left, she once again offered and then this time slowly ate it in front of Sarah. It was basically evil. Sarah started crying.
I was quite angry but decided to just see if I could find any crackers to give Sarah. I gave her two crackers and almost instantly, with tears still in her eyes, she turned and handed JJ one of the two crackers.
I explained to JJ that if she was offering Sarah a cracker she, then, must give her one because it is mean to only offer and then not share. JJ started sharing some of her crackers. When there were only two crackers left, she once again offered and then this time slowly ate it in front of Sarah. It was basically evil. Sarah started crying.
I was quite angry but decided to just see if I could find any crackers to give Sarah. I gave her two crackers and almost instantly, with tears still in her eyes, she turned and handed JJ one of the two crackers.
Fun Moments
I've realized that my other posts have been real negatives. There is joy and laughter still in our home.
We had a dance party.
We showed The Sneeze: How Germs are Spread video to help them understand germs and now they sing the song and say good-bye to germs as they wash their hands. It's cute and funny.
I bought clothes with JJ and she actually wears them (the Hello Kitty shirt was a real winner).
We were talking about friends and JJ (4) turned to Sarah (almost 2) and said, "Sarah, you my best friend?" I can't remember what Sarah said in response but the realization that Sarah probably was JJ's only real friend right now showed a tender moment of reality for me.
We had a dance party.
We showed The Sneeze: How Germs are Spread video to help them understand germs and now they sing the song and say good-bye to germs as they wash their hands. It's cute and funny.
I bought clothes with JJ and she actually wears them (the Hello Kitty shirt was a real winner).
We were talking about friends and JJ (4) turned to Sarah (almost 2) and said, "Sarah, you my best friend?" I can't remember what Sarah said in response but the realization that Sarah probably was JJ's only real friend right now showed a tender moment of reality for me.
Sunday, July 11, 2010
This Too Shall Pass
I've found peace in reminding myself that "This too shall pass." With both my girls (but mostly JJ) there are actions and struggles (peeing pants, purposeful falling for attention, etc.) that I do not enjoy dealing with. The realization that they are kids and have a lot of growing to do. Just because something happens frequently now, doesn't mean they will grow up and still do those things. My fear behind the emotions rising within me in those moments is based either on worrying about what others might be thinking (ew, your kids smell and are misbehaving, you are not a good parent) or an (irrational) fear that they will never grow out of this phase and it will affect their ability to have a happy, emotionally stable life.
My girls are smart and very capable. They will learn with practice and this too shall pass.
My girls are smart and very capable. They will learn with practice and this too shall pass.
Wednesday, July 7, 2010
I Smell Urine All Around Me . . . but it's not me
I found a post that pointed out the not "normal" smell although I remember reading one that actually said it was a "pee" smell even though bladder control wasn't an issue as much anymore.
Tuesday, July 6, 2010
found this while looking for something else . . .
My hubby and I have found this blog, http://www.welcometomybrain.net/ by Christine Moers, to be very helpful and has helped me stay a little more sane during this foster journey.
I was searching for a blog post about RAD kids constantly smelling like urine even if they haven't peed their pants (because we are trying to figure out JJ's constant pee smell) and I found this blog post instead. It's right along the lines of how I've been trying to remind myself to think of JJ.
I was searching for a blog post about RAD kids constantly smelling like urine even if they haven't peed their pants (because we are trying to figure out JJ's constant pee smell) and I found this blog post instead. It's right along the lines of how I've been trying to remind myself to think of JJ.
Spiritual Parenting
The pastor of Family Ministry at our church, Michelle Anthony, has written a book called Spiritual Parenting: Igniting Faith in your Family.
Some quotations from the first chapter:
So in the things I've read recently I get the theme that we can't control our kids' behavior. I'm finding it difficult to control frustrations and anxiety when their behavior is annoying, disgusting, or unsafe. I get that we need to stop unsafe behavior. Handling of other behaviors without feeling permissive and yet allowing grace and God to work feels confusing and isn't my natural instinct at all.
It's the timing between their behavior and my reaction that I need to breathe and ask the Holy Spirit for wisdom to lead me. I want to calm down. I'm by nature an easy-going person and as a parent of a foster child with some obvious attachment issues, I've felt like I'm losing lots of the person I love in myself. I'm experiencing brokeness and selfishness that I don't like and I am so tired.
Knowing that change does not happen because of our desire for them to change, but by God alone and our dependence on Him to guide us. I need to show myself some grace in this journey or I'm going to drive us all crazy.
Some quotations from the first chapter:
"My goal was to pass on a vibrant and transforming faith, the kind of faith in which:
- My children would know and hear God's voice, discerning it from all others;
- They would desire to obey Him when they heard His voice;
- They would obey Him not in their own power, but in the power of the Holy Spirit." pg. 16
"Furthermore, our purpose as parents is to teach our children about the awe-inspiring wonder of who God is, how to have a relationship with Him, and what it looks like to live our lives for Him and through Him." pg 17
"The danger in merely focusing on our children's outward behavior without the inner transformation is that sometimes our children will align their behavior to our mandates to please us or recieve approval. They can end up doing or not doing these things without true spiritual healing inside. Without the supernatural transformation, we may have moral or obedient children, but we don't necessarily have spiritual children."
"So spiritual parenting reminds me that it's not my job to merely control my children's behavior, but rather it is my job to model with authenticity what I have in my relationship with God through Christ." pg. 21
"We need to model how our lives are spiritual in every decision, erasing the divide between sacred and secular." pg 22
"Perhaps the fullest definition of faith is that I have belief and trust in Christ and I possess firm conviction about Him, but I also have made a personal surrender to Him because of these two things. the corresponding behavior of action defines my life.
Now remember taht one of the nonegotiables for spiritual parenting is that it's not my responsibility to control my child's behavior. However, this definition of faith supports that when one posseses a firm conviction and a spersonal surrender, then the corresponding behavior, inspired by the prior two, will follow. Wow! This is where behavior comes in." pg. 23
"Faith is based on a strong belief from a heart of self-surrender." pg. 24
"So often our temptation as parents is to spend all of our time and energy striving to fix their behavior - a process that is not our responsibility." pg 24
So in the things I've read recently I get the theme that we can't control our kids' behavior. I'm finding it difficult to control frustrations and anxiety when their behavior is annoying, disgusting, or unsafe. I get that we need to stop unsafe behavior. Handling of other behaviors without feeling permissive and yet allowing grace and God to work feels confusing and isn't my natural instinct at all.
It's the timing between their behavior and my reaction that I need to breathe and ask the Holy Spirit for wisdom to lead me. I want to calm down. I'm by nature an easy-going person and as a parent of a foster child with some obvious attachment issues, I've felt like I'm losing lots of the person I love in myself. I'm experiencing brokeness and selfishness that I don't like and I am so tired.
Knowing that change does not happen because of our desire for them to change, but by God alone and our dependence on Him to guide us. I need to show myself some grace in this journey or I'm going to drive us all crazy.
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